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-   -   I think i am poly...but i am already married (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=19957)

LadyLeStrange 01-12-2012 01:56 AM

I think i am poly...but i am already married
 
So heres the deal: I have been with my husband for 3 years. dating for even longer. We have a daughter together. Don't get me wrong, i love my husband and i don't want to "break up" with him or anything, but i am not happy. I think i might be polyamorous because its the only explanation i have found that fits the way i feel.

Now my husband has been so insanely jealous even to the point where i was forced to drive away all my friends just to keep him from leaving. When we first started dating my best friend was a guy. My husband was insanely jealous of him and i ended up severing a good relationship for him. And thats not the only time. If i even show the slightest amount of attraction to someone else he flips out, accuses me of cheating...blah blah. Anyways.


I recently made a lady friend that he has a crush on. He likes her ALOT. Ever since she came into our lives He started working out, doing his hair, wearing cologne whenever hes around her, dressing nicer, texting her all the time.... And to be honest it doesnt bother me! He goes to church with her (i am pagan and he is a christian- but he is questioning his beliefs lately)
I talked to him about it and told him that i don't mind if he develops a relationship with her (or another girl), just as long as he is honest and open with me. And he agreed. He thought i was trying to trick him or something at first, but i mean really...i honestly don't mind if he has a girlfriend just as long as he doesnt run off and leave me for her. I am willing to share! He had his doubts about my claim but i have kept telling him and i think its starting to sink in. The wierd thing is is that it doesnt make me jealous when he is with her or texting her or anything, i am happy for him.
So far nothing much has happened between him and this girl (at least physically). I mean i can tell they are growing closer and she trusts him and likes being with him but to be honest its probably because hes married and she doesnt want to make him a cheater or something...we havent talked to her about it.

But what about me? Should i just suffer in silence to avoid a potentially messy confrontation or should i talk to him about my real feelings? What if he can't accept that part of me? Should i wait? I just don't know what to do....any advice would be welcome.


edit: Also, when we were dating we had talked about possibly having another couple join us in the bedroom or even just another woman to join us, but we never found a willing couple and it just sort of dropped. He seems fine with me being in a relationship with another woman, but another man he just freaks out.

ThatGirlInGray 01-12-2012 02:51 AM

Quote:

Now my husband has been so insanely jealous even to the point where i was forced to drive away all my friends just to keep him from leaving.
To me, this is a HUGE red flag. Any time a spouse cuts off contact with friends, that makes me extremely apprehensive.

Quote:

Should i just suffer in silence to avoid a potentially messy confrontation or should i talk to him about my real feelings?
Again, if you feel like you can't talk to your spouse, that's a warning sign to me. It may be a warning sign about you, rather than him, but it's still not a sign of a healthy relationship.

I'm sorry, this probably isn't what you want to hear, but I don't know that poly is the answer to your problem. From what you've written it sounds like there are a lot of issues for the two of you to work on already before you make things even more complicated by adding other people into the mix.

LadyLeStrange 01-12-2012 02:55 AM

He USED to be that insanely jealous. he has gotten a little better. I couldnt take it anymore and started standing up for myself and having friends. I just stay open and honest about the friends i have and he has been much better about it.

ThatGirlInGray 01-12-2012 02:59 AM

Oh good! If honest and open has helped there, maybe it would help here too?

LadyLeStrange 01-12-2012 03:00 AM

I was also thinking that maybe seeing a marriage counselor and working through this with a professional might help? What do you think about that?

AnnabelMore 01-12-2012 03:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LadyLeStrange (Post 119885)
I was also thinking that maybe seeing a marriage counselor and working through this with a professional might help? What do you think about that?

Absolutely. There are lists of poly-friendly therapists out there. You deserve not to be walking on eggshells, not to be afraid to even talk about the possibility of equality in your relationship. :(

It's great that he's gotten better, but the behaviors and attitudes you're describing still seem pretty not ok to me. Who has so little perspective or sense of fairness that they think it's ok to have completely uncontrolled jealousy about other guys, while simultaneously primping and obviously crushing out on another woman?

A neutral third party could only help. Good luck.

ThatGirlInGray 01-12-2012 03:46 AM

I copied this for you from another thread:

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 107652)
There are poly-friendly professionals, and many who specialize in alternative lifestyle counseling are also a good bet.

Some links for you:
Polychromatic: Poly-Friendly Professionals.

Loving More's List of Poly-Friendly Professionals.

Psychology Today: Find a Therapist
. With this one, you can select "Relationship Issues" after you narrow it down for your zip code.

Do you think he'd be open to the idea of going to counseling? Were you thinking of going on your own first?

redpepper 01-12-2012 06:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LadyLeStrange (Post 119869)
But what about me? Should i just suffer in silence to avoid a potentially messy confrontation or should i talk to him about my real feelings? What if he can't accept that part of me? Should i wait?

In a nut shell? Nope, you shouldn't ever suffer in silence. Talk to him and let him know if he wants this, you are going to want it too. If he decides he doesn't because he can't stand the thought of you with someone else then you have an issue. Once you have talked, make sure that you work on your relationship together so that it is really strong before either of you get too involved with anyone. Nothing like adding partners to fuck up marriages that don't have a solid foundation. I would let him know that before he goes any further with the object of his lust. Time to cool it down and work on the two of you I think.

LadyLeStrange 01-12-2012 04:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray (Post 119899)
I copied this for you from another thread:



Do you think he'd be open to the idea of going to counseling? Were you thinking of going on your own first?

I was thinking of going to counseling first, and then him joining me a little later so that we can figure out the best approach to bringing this up to him.

LadyLeStrange 01-12-2012 04:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 119927)
In a nut shell? Nope, you shouldn't ever suffer in silence. Talk to him and let him know if he wants this, you are going to want it too. If he decides he doesn't because he can't stand the thought of you with someone else then you have an issue. Once you have talked, make sure that you work on your relationship together so that it is really strong before either of you get too involved with anyone. Nothing like adding partners to fuck up marriages that don't have a solid foundation. I would let him know that before he goes any further with the object of his lust. Time to cool it down and work on the two of you I think.

Well i think this might be one of the things that is affecting our relationship. I mean i had many boyfriends before him. I was his first girlfriend. But even when we were dating and i knew i loved him, i still sought relationships with other guys and even girls. I didn't really understand why i still wanted more relationships when i was supposed to be completely content with just one. I recently heard about polyamory and it just...clicked. That made sense to me and perfectly described how i feel.
When we were dating and even after we got married, he was resentful towards me. saying that i snatched him up before he could have a relationship with any other girls. At the time, i was incredibly jealous and possessive and i didn't want him being with any other girls. but i have gotten to a point with him that i am not jealous when he is interested in other girls and i trust him completely, because i KNOW that he loves me and wants to be with me. I just don't want him to leave me for someone else, I do love him very much and it would hurt me to lose him- like i said, i am willing to share.

One of our biggest problems was that he doesnt trust me enough because i had still shown interest in other people. Also he is very insecure and jealous. But i think if we could work this trust issue out to where he can truly understand that I DO love him so much, and i don't want to break up for someone else or anything, that maybe we can work this out agreeably.


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