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-   -   Queer expat newbie (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=19940)

expatexpat26 01-11-2012 12:52 PM

Queer expat newbie
Hey Folks,

I am not new to open relationships and have been in more or less successful open relationships for two years prior to moving to Berlin and meeting my partner. We have been together for a year and half and married for 8 months. She is the woman of my dreams and I want to be old and crusty with her. I have never loved someone so much. We have also been monogamous.

about 3 months ago we met a girl, and my partner began developing a crush on her. My partner wanted us to have a threesome with her after we all made out one night a month ago. I didn't want to and the next day I began developing a lot of anxiety and fear. I had a panic attack etc... I worked through some of my feelings for a couple of days and decided that maybe it would be a good idea to open our relationship. I knew that I trusted my partner and know with all my heart that she loves me and has done so much to show and prove that. It made sense and my jealous feelings were unfounded. I then opened up to the other person and we all had a drunken 3some on christmas eve. after our second threesome a few days after I began to develop a serious crush on the other person. My partner feels threatened and afraid as of a week ago. She feels threatened by my crush even though I have been more affectionate and more happy in our relationship. I feel terrible and want to assure her, but I don't know what to do. Initially, I asked my partner if she wanted to end our 3 way and she said no. She also has a crush on the other person. I don't understand. How did we completely flip 360*? Since NYE, the other person and I have been chatting lots of facebook and texting realizing how much we have in common. We even met up yesterday(no hanky panky) to organize a film screening project she wants to help me with. My partner knows everything. I have never kept a secret and include her in on our conversations.

Ideally this could potentially be a great triad or something. I am super open to the idea of loving this other person eventually. This in no way or form threatens my love for my partner. I feel even more in love and we're having even more romantic/ kinky sex. I now know that i dont want to give up the other person as a lover, and I also don't want to compromise my relationship with my partner. Help?

AnnabelMore 01-11-2012 05:19 PM

Take it sloooooow. It's nice that you have a new lover and that there's potential there, but don't let the hormones and excitement overwhelm your priorities. If you move forward with an unstable base, it will all crumble and you will either a) lose the chance at this new relationship anyway, b) lose your current relationship, c) manage to keep them both but with a lot of avoidable angst and pain along the way.

Pull back, do a lot of talking with your partner, and don't rush into anything. It's like if you're heading off down a fun and exciting road and you hear a scary sound like maybe your tire just popped. Stop and check it out before you go on or you could crash! It'll be much easier to pause now than to have to pick yourselves out of the wreckage later. It may seem like I'm being melodramatic, but it happens all too often when one partner is excited and the other is scared and it doesn't really get resolved in time.

Wonderful resources on jealousy and more here: www.morethantwo.com

redpepper 01-12-2012 05:53 AM

Sex in a threesome and a poly traid or vee are very different things. Perspective and going slow is the best bet. It sounds like you have experience in being open, but not necessarily poly. Take this as open and see where it goes I think. Don't put the cart before the horse so to speak. :)

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