I hope theres help 4 me here!!!!
:confused: I AM KNEW 2 ALL OF THIS AND I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO IT. I DON'T THINK I AM STRONG ENOUGH 2 SHARE MY HUSBAND. I TRIED ONCE BEFORE AND IT ENDED BADLY, I WANT 2 DO IT FOR MY HUSBAND GOD KNOWS I'D DO ANYTHING TO MAKE HIM HAPPY BUT IT TRUELY KILLS ME 2 SEE HIM WITH ANOTHER WOMAN AND THE FACT THAT I HATE HER DOESN'T HELP THINGS EITHER. I LOVE THE SHOW BIG LOVE I REALLY DO AND I THINK WOW HOW GREAT WOULD THAT BE 2 NEVER BE LONELY 2 ALWAYS HAVE HELP AND FRIENDS BUT WHEN I TRIED IT I HATED IT OF COUSRE MY HUSBAND LOVED IT BUT ALL I DID WAS CRY 4 THE 3 WEEKS THE OTHER WOMAN WAS HERE I COULDN'T HELP IT I SENT HER PACKING REAL FAST. NOW MY HUSBAND IS STARTING 2 TALK ABOUT GIVEING IT ANOTHER TRY. I HONESTLY DON'T MIND HAVEING A 3 SOME I LIKE 4 THE MOST PART BUT I JUST DONT WANT 2 LIVE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN I'M SO CONFUSED I DON'T KNOW WHAT 2 DO? I HOPE SOMEONE HAS SOME GOOD ADVISE 4 ME I SURE NEED IT.
First of all, please take the caps lock off!
Second, be honest with him about how you feel, and try to figure out why.
Even if you try to go along with the way he wants things, you're going to be miserable, and you're going to take it out on him and her in little ways that will make everyone uncomfortable.
Better to stop things now and prevent anyone from getting hurt more than they already will be--- which you should know that retro-active vetoes are viewed by many poly people as the nuclear option, because there is fall out.
The person who got vetoed is going to be heartbroken, and it's likely that the partner whose second relationship was ended (in this case, your husband) will be hurt by having the relationship end and resent his partner for ending it.
So, your choices boil down to
A) Pretend that you're okay with it and let your jealousy and hatred fester
B) Demand he ends things and deal with the radioactive fall out in your marriage, and knowing that you broke the heart of a woman whose only crime was loving your husband with your permission.
C) Be honest, ask for some time, and use that time to work through your jealousy and figure out if your issue is with him having another relationship or if it's his choice of partner.
There are as many variations of polyamory as there are flavors of ice cream!
Not everyone is comfortable with practicing poly.
TALK to your husband. Explain your fears. Spend some time looking deep within yourself to find out where these insecruities are coming from.
Above all COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE!
What I found most helpful when dealing with my own jealousies is a couple of the articles on http:///www.xeromag.com/franklin.html more specifically this http://www.xeromag.com/fvpolyrefrigerator.html article.
Good luck to you. Really, it is ok if you discover you aren't meant to be polyamorous.
thankyou for your advice
wow that was hard to read it was like getting hit in the face but you had alot of great points thanks for your advice.
It sounds like you're a good lady and loving wife, JLynn but emotional/internal conflicts make the situation difficult .... though maybe you feel threatened in your relationship with your husband by the other woman for some legitimate reason(s)?
I took my wife to meet a lady I'd met on-line and knew for quite a while. My main concern was that she and my wife got along and that my wife didn't feel too uncomfortable or left out. It was primarily just a platonic/friendly visit to see how everyone got along and it went fine, though I know the relationship may not have been ideal they really did get along surprisingly well and I was happy to see it :) Things didn't ultimately work out with her, but for me, I became even closer to my wife and appreciated her more because, similar to your comments, I realized how much he cared about me.
I'm just curious if there was some reason you might have felt threatened by this other woman. Yes, I agree that in many ways a poly relationship can be better all around if everyone gets along well, but of course if there's some conflict then that's something that needs to be resolved, but I'm curious to know if you think it's just a matter of it being difficult for you to "share" your husband (though hopefully gain a companionship with her as well) or if you feel legitimately threatened in your marriage by her. It would seem if you and your husband have a good relationship that she shouldn't be a threat to that and that if you're not inherently opposed to having someone else in the relationship then there would be no reason for him to leave. The main issue would just appear to be if there was something specific about the other woman that caused a conflict.
As a disclaimer, I have to say that I haven't had any serious long term relationship with anyone other than my wife, though hopefully I've helped give you something that might resemble your husband's perspective some.
For me and my wife the main things I can think of that might cause a problem for our marriage would be 1) if somehow I bumped into some absoutely incredible woman who seriously tried to pull me away from my wife (this is something that seems unlikely ... I already did a lot of "shopping" finding my wife and we have, other than some rough periods, a very good relationship, 2) if a long term relationship with more commitments developed that initially went without major problems but later some conflict between her and my wife occurred, then it would be harder to resolve or 3) if my wife simply opposed any and all female company for me (that would be a tough one and I think in the long run would cause ongoing conflict in our marriage).
Anyway, I hope my two cents worth was actually worth two cents. :D I also wish you well, and again it seems like the major issue is in knowing what specifically causes the conflict for you (is it her specifically or just any woman) and seeing if you can work with your husband to resolve it.
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