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-   -   How can I make this better? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=199)

newgirl 05-05-2009 09:34 PM

How can I make this better?
Last night, I took a deep breath and told my husband that I am polyamorous. My husband and I are really close and in love. We have a strong 7-year relationship, few sexual problems, and we communicate wonderfully.

I have developed a crush on someone else. More than that, before I knew there was a word for it, I was attempting polyamory. I've never cheated on anyone or wanted to, but I did have a habit of anouncing to previous monogamous partners that I wanted to date someone else while continuing to see them. And it always went terribly wrong. Because ... I didn't really give them an option, I guess.

I told my husband that we need to consider polyamory, but that we can choose monogamy still. And there was lots of me crying and him being hurt. When he gets hurt, he retreats a little. I'm trying to let him do that, but I'm so afraid I've messed everything up.

I'm reading The Ethical Slut, of course. But do you practitioners have any advice on getting through this?

I'm sorry if this is an amateur question or something that's not appropriate for this forum. I don't know any other polyamorous people really.

Funk2Lopez 05-05-2009 10:02 PM

No cry for help is ever stupid. It's when you don't ask that can really make things worse. I'm still very new to this also and all I can say is keep the communication as open and honest as possible.

Keep reminding him that he is the most important thing and show him that it's true and not lip service. Actions for me speak a whole lot more than words but words are still a necessity. I'm still having problems in my triad that we all are trying to work on to keep this relationship we have strong and moving forward not back.

I know I'm probably talking in riddles and I'm not the best person to give advise on this except about communication. My husband is a person who doesn't like to talk a lot but when he does I know it's time for me to listen.

River 05-05-2009 10:29 PM


Originally Posted by newgirl (Post 741)
....we communicate wonderfully.

.... I did have a habit of anouncing to previous monogamous partners that I wanted to date someone else while continuing to see them. And it always went terribly wrong. Because ... I didn't really give them an option, I guess.

It's important that you know that what I'm about to say isn't meant as an attack, or an attempt to evoke guilt or shame. Rather, this is delivered as an opportunity to explore self-honestly about past relationship tendencies.

You got married to a man with full knowledge that you wanted to live polyamorously, yet this husband wasn't aware of this fact until seven years later when you suddenly sprang it on him that you have a crush on someone else, with whom you'd also like to explore a loverly relationship.... Maybe you have good communication with your husband now, but you didn't have it before you and your hubby married. You were well aware of your polyamorous desires, and have had previous relationships where things went "terribly wrong" when you let your secret out of the bag.

Were I your husband, I'd really want an apology for your failure to communicate a crucial bit of information about who you are and what you want--a bit of information which affects him significantly in his relationship with you.

Polyamorous desires are not wrong, not bad, and no reason to reject a person's love. Perhaps you feared he would reject you if you had told him about your polyamorous inclinations prior to the marriage? That can be forgiven -- but I do think a heartfelt apology from you will enhance your chances of healing whatever hurt he may legitimatly have.

newgirl 05-05-2009 10:51 PM

i hear you
I guess I should add that I didn't really know, within myself, that polyamory was something I wanted. I thought i was bad or something in previous relationships. But that when I met my husband, I loved him so much it would all just work itself out. For the past seven years, I've had no problem at all being monogamous.

AutumnalTone 05-05-2009 11:52 PM

Welcome to the boards.

I'd recommend putting aside The Ethical Slut and grabbing a copy of Opening Up, by Tristan Taormino, instead. TES gets way too frou-frou, in my opinion, and Opening Up is a much better read.

Let your husband read it. I suspect that will go a long way to addressing his fears.

As for getting through it, that requires persistence and communication, skills necessary in any relationship and doubly so when juggling multiple relationships.

AutumnalTone 05-05-2009 11:56 PM

Have you explained that to him?

There's nothing wrong with being confused yourself, nor with working out issues privately as you go along. When you end up springing such a surprise on a partner, however, I think you do have an obligation to divulge why he's just now finding out about it and setting things to right. I won't fault you for not telling him previously--I just expect you to share with him your struggles with the issue and how you arrived where you are.

It's one of those communication things, too.

CDarklock 05-06-2009 04:01 AM


Originally Posted by newgirl (Post 741)
I have developed a crush on someone else.

Then it's too late to open this subject.

Polyamory is like a business network. Your business network can help you get a job. It is better than anything else at getting you a job. And you have to build it... before you need a job. When you don't need one, and have no real expectation of needing one anytime soon.

Polyamory is good at getting you new partners and new friends and new relationships. It is better than anything else at doing it. And you have to build it BEFORE you need it.

Because once you need it, it is too late to build it. The attempt is tainted by self-interest, and will never be seen as honest. It's not impossible to build a polyamorous foundation under these circumstances... but it's very difficult, and calling it "doomed to failure" is really not all that much of an exaggeration.

Expect that for best results, you probably have to walk away from that crush. Your chances go way, way up if you do that.

MonoVCPHG 05-06-2009 11:29 PM

Nicely put. Great advice from everyone. I'll stay quiet now and step back. Good luck Newgirl. I feel for both of you.

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