The wife was encouraging me...
So I figured I'd come on here, introduce myself to some real people, and have some real discussion regarding the Polyamorous lifestyle. So hello! In truth I probably should have posted in the introductions section first, but this couldn't wait.. well, maybe it could, but instant gratification for me doesn't come fast enough.
For starts, I am male and married with a loving and wonderful wife, and two loving children. My heart, my soul, my everything couldn't ask to be more blessed then I already am. We live in the Pacific Northwest so we never need to find a reason to go snuggle up on the couch and just be, of course rainy days always have the possibility of ending with another child... but that's a story for a different forum.
So to dive right in: I have to be completely honest, The Poly way of life seems to me like it would be more natural then what western civilization has carved out as 'workable due to circumstance'. We are all human, we are flesh and blood, some of us affixed with indoor plumbing, some with outdoor, and we meet in the middle. Some of us are lucky to fall in love and be with the one that makes our hearts feel like it was bullet proof, others have a harder time searching the ranks and files until we find that 'one'. That is pretty much what happened to me. I lost my first love at a young age, that lesson in my life has done wonders to the whole 'never forget to tell people how you feel about them' trigger in my brain. But then I have to ask myself... why one?
To make matters more difficult, I am also a recovering Christian. I didn't realize until I took a good, long look at Polyamory that my programming was flawed. The truth for me is that it's retarded for me to think I could not ever be attracted to another woman as long as I live, but I have fought that part of me since I was old enough to realize what my penis was for. My wife noticed one day that I was sort of mock hitting on the waitress and started poking fun at me, to which of course I wasn't meaning to so I came down kinda hard on myself. It really bothered me that I let my subconscious mind go there. So she did what anyone who loved their mate would do. She looked me dead in the eye and told me 'It's okay if you find her attractive, it's totally normal'.
So I've come here, I'll share more of my story as we go, but I didn't want to flood you poor people out of making you read this biography. I realized a few things about me that have really come to stand out, and for which my wife has been trying to help me with. One of the biggest to come to mind the most frequent is that I am completely afraid, no, panic'd, nay, scared shitless of touching another woman. I am trying duefully to deal with this problem, and to tell you the lengths that we've tried to corrupt my program so I could re-write it. I had a half naked from the waist up woman sitting on my lap the other night... and I just sat. didn't touch. Didn't look. Ignored it completely. To further that, I had a spiritual experience with a Professional Dom, she pierced my chest several times. Here's where you might think I'm a little 'off'. I felt only the greatest respect for her. She was not an object to me, she was not a 'hot item', there was no lust, nothing impure in my head... only that this woman was able to bring me to a special and spiritual place with her actions.
My wife and I are talked once about kissing other people to see how that door would feel once we propped it open. I've had many opportunites to do so, but I can't bring myself to do it. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. and i know it's stupid because I shouldn't feel that the light of another soul would contaminate my world so much. I believe in living in balance. In order to find my balance, I must move beyond where I'm at, but I'm a little scared to do so.
I know I'm not the only person who felt apprehensive about this going into it. I'm curious to know how you got over it, maybe helped each other past your insecurities and on to the next step. I would never wish to risk what we have as a couple.
Thank you kindly, and I look forward to getting to know some of you on a personal level (if your up for it)...
Welcome to this forum and our little online community. I think you should read around the forum and see what topics seem relevant and interesting to you.
It is natural and normal to be attracted to numerous people, as your wife told you, and yes even if you are partnered. That isn't a poly thing, it's just a human thing. There are things like pheromones and hormones and all sorts of chemicals at work, besides different levels of attraction - attraction isn't always sexual. Ever just pass someone on the sidewalk and get the feeling they'd be someone you could befriend? Or see an elderly person and adore them instantly like they were your grandparent? I have. And so when it comes to flirting with waitresses and having that sexual component to attraction, well, that's just as natural, because human beings are social animals and we always seek connection.
So... also, there really isn't any specific poly way of life or "lifestyle" -- it is what you make of it. Polyamory fits into a myriad number of differing lifestyles. I think it's a lot simpler than people believe. There's no protocol to get started, it's just being open to loving more than one person and seeing what happens. It's not about sex, though of course that's an important part, but you don't have to have sex with someone to have a loving relationship with them. If you hit it off with someone and your spouse consents, just take it slowly and see what happens. As long as everyone makes an effort to be honest and communicate, you're off to a good start.
Thank you for the reply. I have been giving it more thought as time goes on, We have friends who are polyamorous relationships, and they joke with us all the time about how open we are to other people, and maybe that's why this has come front and center... maybe it's the next logical step. But I know in matters of the heart you can't lead with logic unless you want to derail the train before it even starts moving. I've only ever loved one person openly... I guess I've hidden the love I have carried toward a very select small number of people, but I have hidden it away from them. The only one that knows about them is my wife. Funny huh? I tell her that I love these other people and that they are a big part of my life, but I don't dare tell them.
If I may ask a question though... when you went from 'mono' to 'poly', if you had to name something, and I hope this isn't too personal, but what were the biggest obstacles when you went through it? Were you nervous at all? I have a big fear of it, not just because it doesn't quite jive with my program, and I guess you could say that a lot of the fear is irrational, and probably caused by being closed minded. Of course the wife is taking it in stride... I seem to be the only one with an issue. Again, thank you for getting back to me :-)
I know what you are talking about in terms of worrying about doing some harm to the happiness you are feeling now. I was so scared when I pondered over the possibility to start the 'poly-journey' to lose what I got before everything started: love and happiness with my husband. It took me almost three years to wrap my mind around poly. If you are interested, part of my initial struggle is noted in my blog on this side (see signature).
I wouldn't call it closed minded, I just need to know what the downside of things could be. And I need to think about them to feel save to face them. And there are many possible downsides to poly, if you read a bit of the stories that have been told here, you will find plenty. I can't throw myself into things without having them meticulously sorted out.
Fear can be something quite healthy, as long as it helps you process things in a way that make you feel secure and save at last. Listen to your fears as long as they don't paralyze you completely.
Good luck :)
When I first had sex with another person whilst in an incredibly loving, respectful, supportive and open relationship I suffered terrible guilt. The person I slept with was more of a one night stand...and to be honest, I choose a one night stand so I could explore my feelings about having sex with someone who was not my love...and actually seperate that from any emotional aspect.
Kinda a bit wierd in retrospect. But it was a little like dipping my toes in the water. I basically set this up so I could gauge my feelings about sex with another...
I have deep love with another where it's basically a non sexual partner type arrangement...so I'd already explored loving more than one..
So...without directly combining the two (love and sex) I started exploring having
a. Love outside a primary relationship
b. Sex outside a primary relationship
I felt terribly guilty. My love was fine, he was supportive and understanding and encouraging...but I was really surprised at how guilty I felt.
The programming that I was cheating on my darling was very strong, I was taken by surprise. But, the more I thought about it....it actually had nothing to do with the actual intimacy with another.
I became aware my guilt was about taking part in something that had the capacity to damage my relationship. Choosing to lie to a partner - That's something that has the capacity to damage the relationship. Being disrespectful to a partner - that's something that has the capacity to damage the relationship.
I want to be very clear that I'm not equating anyone's poly to lying or disrespecting. I'm talking about capacity for damage only.
Now, of course...it didn't damage our relationship. But the capacity for damage is there for sure. And well, it's evident all over this forum...there is capacity for relationships to be damaged considerably, and for people to end up very, very, hurt.
But ya know...I've also travelled through war zones. Is there a possibility of getting hurt ? Yes. So, being mindful of that and taking precautions is very important
"Do you want a UN security escort?"
"Yeah, that would be great...thanks !"
Why did I do that ? I thought it might be interesting, I thought I might learn something. It was interesting and I did learn :)
You know, the first time I read this, I didn't think I'd have anything to contribute. But having just had my first experience, I guess I do.
I was a little surprised, a lot surprised, to find I didn't have a lot of guilt. I'd been open and honest and so far, so good. I'm expecting things I'm not expecting, and I have no idea what, but I'm pretty sure at least one of us is gonna have weird feelings eventually.
I think knowing they both love me so much made it easier to move through the fear. SLOW. So slow, I didn't even know this is where we were headed slow. I don't think I could have done this four years ago.
But I have spent most of my adult life overcoming fear in general. Rebirthing was the first thing I did that helped fear go away. if you consider it, choose your facilitator wisely. It's deep and wonderful. I like it because it's a full body experience, not just a mind/talking head thing.
EFT is great for fear (emotional freedom technique ~ all over the internet); and I'm very fond of hypnosis.
In recovery from sexual abuse, I had the very good advice to prepare for fear ~ to create a safe space, in advance, before I got into a bad place. A stuffed animal, a list of people to call, a favorite blanket, a corner of a house or a room or whatever. It was good for that, and it's good for life. To think about what might make you afraid, and to think about what will comfort you and make you feel unafraid again. Maybe it's coming home to loving words and kisses from your wife. Maybe it's certain words. Maybe it's coming home to pot roast.
I was surprised to find I wanted some transition time. I was feeling so close to Current bf as I drove home, all I wanted was to see him and share all my crazy NRE. Fortunately, he was at work, so I couldn't call and couldn't get to him. As I got to my apartment, I realized I needed transition time.
So, there's some things to consider about fear.
Speaking of "programming," I know all too well what that is like. For all my life what I have known and thought it best to do when in a relationship with a woman, was to shut out all other women but her, save my mother and sisters. I have only realized after much conversation with my wife that this may not have been or be the right manuver to do. So in the least I can understand part of how you feel. My only problem, which my wife is very aware of, is that I can be a bit of a letch, which is usually focused towards my wife. As for the problem with fear, the only cure I have known to fix that is to face it. It only serves to make you stronger when you do. Just my two cents. :D
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