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-   -   Should I speak about it? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1983)

Kraven 01-16-2010 01:11 AM

Should I speak about it?
I've been researching poly for about 6 months or so now and I've come across a few people in and out of the lifestyle! There are some bad apples and some good one...great people and fishy people! I spoken to a few indiviuals who say their relationship started out mono and transformed into a poly one! Of course I've spoken to people who have been in a poly relationship from day one!

So my question is...

is it better to just find someone you like, live mono and then suggest poly in the future after security has been structured in the relationship (even though you know being in a long term mono relationship is something you just can't imagine yourself doing)


Do you start the journey looking for poly minded people and not dating mono minded indiviuals! I mean like just coming out there, being upfront and saying hey, I'm poly and it isn't going to be any other way...take it or leave it? Lol of course i wouldn't be rude about it but I'm just saying!

I ask this because I meet a lot of wonderful women and I really want to date them but some of them are just so seriously and stubbornly against poly when I finally do tell them about it! I've even had people stop talking to me all because I even bring up the fact that I'm into the lifestyle at all!

any advice world....

NeonKaos 01-16-2010 01:17 AM

I think you know the answer already. Trust yourself.

ourquad 01-16-2010 02:05 AM

Why would you want to start a relationship dishonestly?

constlady 01-16-2010 03:19 AM

At this point in my life, any potential partner would be polyamorously identified and preferrably poly experienced.

I've reached a sort of BTDT place with those who have never heard the word before and really am not inclined to go there again.

Though I never say never.....

The bottom line is, the poly dating pool is most definitely smaller than the monogamous one, however the fish are much more suitable to your palate ;)

StitchwitchD 01-16-2010 04:29 AM

I know couples who started out mono and then went poly, and couples who started out poly and are currently mono...But it's best to be honest about what you want when you're first discussing possibilities.

At this point in my life, mono really isn't an ethical option for me, so I'm upfront about that. Theoretically, if I had no on-going emotional entanglements and was going to just start completely fresh in a new relationship, then I would have more flexibility, and might just hold off on bringing up mono/poly until it came up naturally in conversation, at which point I'd be honest about my history and my attitudes, but wouldn't automatically rule out the possibility of mono. I consider myself polyflexible, able to be mono or poly depending on the circumstances.

I don't know anyone who tried playing like they were interested in mono when they really wanted poly and then sprung it on their SO once the relationship was solid- but I can think of a few people I suspect secretly wanted mono going into a relationship with someone who was not mono and had no real interest in being so.

GroundedSpirit 01-16-2010 04:55 PM


Originally Posted by Kraven (Post 20120)
is it better to just find someone you like, live mono and then suggest poly in the future after security has been structured in the relationship (even though you know being in a long term mono relationship is something you just can't imagine yourself doing)

Yes - think about this !
Don't you feel that would be a bit (?) misleading and disrespectful ?
I'm not saying you have to ignore large numbers of people because they 'appear' to have only a mono background/understanding. Reality is, the vast majority of the population falls into that bucket at this point in time. But it's a topic that has to come out VERY early in your explorations of each other. Exposing the option to the unaware is a valuable public service in my mind.



Originally Posted by Kraven;
I'm poly and it isn't going to be any other way...take it or leave it?

My instinct is that you can't honestly make that claim - yet. Not that I couldn't be wrong mind you, just instinct.
I DO believe you have to find this out - both through study and practice.
Poly is not automatically for everyone and a lot of people get easily seduced in the beginning because of what appear to be obvious benefits (which there can be). But it's also a LOT of work - for yourself - and for everyone else. Failure to do that 'work' results in just as much (or more) sadness & damage control as it would in any other model of relationship.
There's no substitute for experience so once you have some basic education under your belt I'd open myself to an opportunity to test the waters if the option presents itself but acknowledging to everyone on day one that you are new at this and to expect some stumbles along the way. Because there will be. It's literally impossible to totally prepare ourselves for the myriad of things that can come up. Asking around and reading will quickly expose all of the major ones but be prepared for the little subtle ones to sneak up on you too :)

Good luck


NeonKaos 01-16-2010 06:42 PM

If possible, you should have an affair with someone already in a relationship without the knowledge of the other partner. That way, you will not only be providing a "valuable public service" to two people for the price of one, but you will also be "helping" someone else's relationship to "move forward into poly". As long as everyone's "needs are met", it is ok to be deceptive and lie by omission.

Good Luck. :rolleyes:

redpepper 01-16-2010 08:03 PM

Haha ygirl, yer funny, :)

I tend to think it's best to treat others as you want to be treated. I want my partners to be honest and open with me and share everything in their lives so that we may be closer. If I don't tell them I am poly or any other interesting fact about myself then I feel less close to them and unable to have a deep meaningful relationship with them. That is just a waste of my time at this point.

I have a mono boyfriend and I chose him for his character. I wouldn't decide to not be with someone because they are not poly. Actually poly folk come with a whole gammit of stuff that I don't have to deal with because I am with a mono boyfriend. Just as my husband comes with a whole gammit of stuff that I don't have to deal with because he is poly. To me it's the person and the person only that makes me decide if they are a fit for me and worth my time.

I sense your frustration in your post Kraven. It is frustrating to find a person that fits with us and us with them, but being frustrated won't help I think... perhaps being a bit more patient and letting yourself shine through when you meet women with the intent of just seeing what happens would work better. At least if something happens then it will from a place of honesty and good communication. A good poly relationship is based on that anyway I think we have established.

will 01-16-2010 08:05 PM

First off BE HONEST! I know you want to hurry up and find someone then flip it into some sort of poly BAIT AND SWITCH... but would you like someone to tell you "HEY yeah I want poly".. only to find that they want you in a mono relationship and then do everything they can to try to flip you to their side.

Honesty in the first place is the best. But you have to be aware, there are women who are looking to do to you what your considering doing to them... and in my opinion its BS.

The lie way is the quick easy and fast way of putting a false relationship together.. yes I said FALSE!, because it will not last because a relationship based on a lie is not a relatinship at all... its simply a ploy.

Build your home on honesty! Tell them upfront.. and PRAY! they are honest with you too...

River 01-16-2010 08:07 PM


Originally Posted by constlady (Post 20131)
... BTDT ...

What's that?

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