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-   -   Wife's bf's wife has a cuckquean and SM setup. Dysfunctional or am I being a dumbass? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=19820)

KindaPOd 01-07-2012 05:10 PM

Wife's bf's wife has a cuckquean and SM setup. Dysfunctional or am I being a dumbass?
 
Thought I'd broaden my horizons and open up on another issue that's been bugging me.

My wife's bf is married. His wife has told me that she is monogamous. The benefit of polyamory for her is that she can watch her husband have sex with other women. The humiliation aspect gets her off. She likes the idea of being inferior.

My wife and I were into BDSM in the past. Sort of lost its "edge" after a while. So I've noticed some similarities between their current relationship and my past relationship.

But from an outside observer's POV, something seems off. The most notable thing is that he publicly and privately disrespects her in many ways. Won't go into it but it's pretty obvious. Makes me uncomfortable.

So, she's clearly the masochist and he's clearly the sadist. What I'm wondering is whether or not this "disrespect" is part of the SM aspect of their relationship. Can't tell if it's all just play to them. I mean, if it's all consensual and this is what she likes, than there's nothing fishy about it.

But I have quite a bit of experience dealing with abusive marriages. Maybe that's why their marriage seems "off". See, I'm getting a narcissist-codependent vibe from them. Very common dynamic in abusive marriages.

I can't look at their relationship objectively. I'm way too emotionally involved to do that. That's what worries me.

Obvious thing to do would be to take the direct route and ask her. I tried that. There were no clear answers. She skirted around the issue. Why?

What do you think?

If you were in my shoes, what would you do?

dingedheart 01-07-2012 05:19 PM

Why do you need to know this ? How will it effect you.

SourGirl 01-07-2012 05:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dingedheart (Post 119182)
Why do you need to know this ? How will it effect you.

My guess, is he is tackling each thing that puts him 'off'.

There is no 'one-reason' that he is feeling indifferent. It takes a shitload of seemingly small things to get to this point. A bit of disgust, a dash of disappointment here, a teaspoon of off-putting over there.....it all adds up.

SchrodingersCat 01-07-2012 06:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dingedheart (Post 119182)
Why do you need to know this ? How will it effect you.

I would want to know if my wife's boyfriend was abusive, wouldn't you?

SchrodingersCat 01-07-2012 06:33 PM

If I were in your shoes, I would probably pursue the matter and get to the bottom of it. Even though it's not your own relationship, it affects you and your wife by proxy.

Side point, sadist/masochist refers to pain, usually physical. What you're describing, if it is BDSM related and not abusive, would be more Dominant/submissive. That's not to say there isn't a sadism/masochism aspect also, but just that the humiliation is not that.

What specifically did you ask the wife? I would probably say something like, do you enjoy it when your husband disrespects you in public?

redpepper 01-07-2012 08:44 PM

If she skirted around the issue maybe she thinks its not your business. Maybe you should ask her directly if this is what she is thinking. She could be trying to politely move you on to something else hoping you will drop it.

I agree that this is your issue. If they are not willing to talk about what is going on for them then I would go about it from the perspective of you and your wife's relationship. He could start treating your wife the same way. I would be discussing with my wife what boundries she has around being treated that way. Perhaps she needs to make sure that he knows her boundaries.

Derbylicious 01-07-2012 09:05 PM

How does your wife's boyfriend treat her? Is he showing signs of abusive behaviour towards her? I would think that it was much more likely an agreed upon relationship dynamic between him and his wife if there isn't any evidence of the same kind of behaviour between him and your wife. I would, however, keep an eye on how you're wife is doing and address it with her if he begins mistreating her.

AnnabelMore 01-07-2012 09:12 PM

Does she seem happy?

Anneintherain 01-08-2012 01:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KindaPOd (Post 119181)
My wife's bf is married. His wife has told me that she is monogamous. The benefit of polyamory for her is that she can watch her husband have sex with other women. The humiliation aspect gets her off. She likes the idea of being inferior.

What do you think?

If you were in my shoes, what would you do?

I really don't see how watching her husband having sex with other women is humiliating, unless he's talking about how much better they are while it is happening, or she's crying and miserable the whole time? I don't think one of my partners are having sex with somebody else, even in a cuck situation, makes me inferior. And yes, maybe she doesn't want to share her personal business with you? Maybe you asking her about it helps feed her kink for humiliation for all you know.

I don't get what people get out of cuckolding (more than theoretically) so I don't have any insight on that. I would file this under the "your kink is not my kink" thing and move on.

Exceptions would be
1. As others have said, does your wife's boyfriend display any of this behavior towards your wife? If so, I'd find it a problem if your wife didn't like it but was putting up with it. If he is and your wife likes it, I'd ask her to keep it to herself and away from me. I wouldn't interfere unless I felt the relationship was hurting my partner.

2. Is your wife one of the women who is having sex in front of her bf's wife to humiliate her? If this is the case, that's something I'd talk to your wife about why she does it, how it makes her feel and maybe you can see if you can make more sense of it. If she is and it's a big problem for you, but something she wants, then maybe you want to negotiate about it if she is willing - OR since you say you consider her your secondary now, you might just go with it being none of your business, as long as it's not affecting your relationship with her.

KindaPOd 01-08-2012 03:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dingedheart (Post 119182)
Why do you need to know this ? How will it effect you.

Damn, that's cold DH. And I thought I was the cynical bastard. I need to know because I am a giant boyscout.

Quote:

What specifically did you ask the wife? I would probably say something like, do you enjoy it when your husband disrespects you in public?
I can't remember exactly what I said. But I was specific. "Do you enjoy this? Is he abusing you? ect."

One thing I do know is that if you ask an abused woman if she is being abused, she's rarely going to say yes. Or she could think that this is none of my business.

Quote:

Side point, sadist/masochist refers to pain, usually physical. What you're describing, if it is BDSM related and not abusive, would be more Dominant/submissive.
True. Then they have a D/S relationship too.
Quote:

If she skirted around the issue maybe she thinks its not your business. Maybe you should ask her directly if this is what she is thinking. She could be trying to politely move you on to something else hoping you will drop it.

I agree that this is your issue. If they are not willing to talk about what is going on for them then I would go about it from the perspective of you and your wife's relationship. He could start treating your wife the same way. I would be discussing with my wife what boundries she has around being treated that way. Perhaps she needs to make sure that he knows her boundaries.
Right. She could've been telling me to FO in a nice way. I would've liked her to say "I'm sorry but that's a bit too personal for me to talk about". Instead she sort of trailed off and changed the subject.

My wife is definitely no longer into BDSM. The relationship she has with her bf is relatively vanilla. As far as I know.


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