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-   -   I need some help. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=19791)

yogos 01-06-2012 09:37 AM

I need some help.
 
I'm 18 and my girlfriend is 16. We've been friends for a month and a half and are now dating. I told her I had something to tell her and I explained to her how I am interested in polyamory. I explained what it was and wouldn't mind if she had a second boyfriend and I remained loyal. I provided her a page about it and after she read it she said she'd agree to flirt with other guys to make me happy. I brought the subject back up in conversation a week ago and she told me she wants a polyamorous relationship where she is free to talk to other guys without me getting jealous but she doesn't want to date other guys and have sexual experiences with them. This confuses me because the day before she told me this she said she was cool with everything except me having another girlfriend. I told her I wouldn't but I wouldn't care if she had another boyfriend.

She hasn't responded back to me. Now what do I do? She seems both interested and not interested at the same time and hasn't given me a straight answer.

Any help on how I can make her warm up to the idea?


Thanks.

AnnabelMore 01-06-2012 02:17 PM

You can't "make" her do anything, and why would you want to anyway? Does it turn you on to think of her with another guy, or do you hope that if she gets another boyfriend first then she'll be ok with you having another girlfriend? What is this about?

yogos 01-07-2012 03:06 AM

When I asked if there was any way I could make her warm up to the idea, I meant if there was anything I could say about it that would make her more interested. She told me yesterday that she was interested in flirting with other guys but she doesn't want another boyfriend because one is enough for her. Clearly by this statement she is monogamous but why would she tell me she is interested in flirting if she doesn't want to take it further?

ThatGirlInGray 01-07-2012 04:23 AM

Uh, because flirting is about attention, not necessarily about sex, and certainly not about devoting time and energy to multiple healthy, loving relationships.

I'm still confused as to what's going on here. If YOU'RE the one interested in poly then it's about YOU and YOUR relationships. Not hers. If you want more than one girlfriend at a time and she's not ok with that, then it's up to you to decide which you want more- her or the multiple relationships. But she shouldn't be "flirting with other guys to make you happy" nor should you be trying to push her into having multiple relationships. You do sound very confused, but she does not. You gave her the information, she told you her boundaries. You need to respect her choices and decisions.

yogos 01-07-2012 04:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray (Post 119111)
Uh, because flirting is about attention, not necessarily about sex, and certainly not about devoting time and energy to multiple healthy, loving relationships.

I'm still confused as to what's going on here. If YOU'RE the one interested in poly then it's about YOU and YOUR relationships. Not hers. If you want more than one girlfriend at a time and she's not ok with that, then it's up to you to decide which you want more- her or the multiple relationships. But she shouldn't be "flirting with other guys to make you happy" nor should you be trying to push her into having multiple relationships. You do sound very confused, but she does not. You gave her the information, she told you her boundaries. You need to respect her choices and decisions.

I'm interested in poly but I do not wish to be the one engaging in multiple relationships. I'm more of a cuck but I do want her to explore her possibilities. She told me herself that the only thing she isn't cool with is me having two girlfriends. That's her boundary and that's what we agreed on.

ThatGirlInGray 01-07-2012 04:54 AM

Quote:

She told me yesterday that she was interested in flirting with other guys but she doesn't want another boyfriend because one is enough for her
and
Quote:

she doesn't want to date other guys and have sexual experiences with them
Also a boundary. You can be interested in poly all you want. Ask questions of those who are. But now that you've introduced the concept, respect her desire for only one boyfriend. It should be easy for you to understand, since you say you do not want multiple relationships yourself.

yogos 01-07-2012 04:58 AM

Understandable. But why would she tell me she'd flirt with other guys if she prefers a monogamous relationship?

ThatGirlInGray 01-07-2012 05:00 AM

Maybe she likes flirting. As I said before, it's about attention. Or, as you told us, she's doing it to make YOU happy, not for herself.

People do a lot of stuff to make others happy. Some is fine, even good. Some is not.

yogos 01-07-2012 05:01 AM

Thanks for the advice. I wish she was polyamorous but I'm not forcing her into anything. Take care.

redpepper 01-07-2012 07:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yogos (Post 119124)
I wish she was polyamorous but I'm not forcing her into anything.

Geez, don't here that much. Why?

I think she is just way to new to poly and to your relationship together to know what she wants. She likes to flirt so let her at it... the rest will follow. Give her time, let her explore and see where she goes with it. In the mean time just listen, let her bounce ideas around, try stuff out and see where it goes. There is far more to be concerned about than whether she has sex with other guys or just flirts. Just enjoy the journey with this. That's the best part I think.


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