Woman has suggested polyamory to my husband
Hi, I've been browsing here for a few days, trying to understand, trying to learn, but cannot reconcile how I feel.
I'm not polyamorous (though I totally respect other peoples choices and lifestyles). As I said I've read this forum, and others, and although I 'accept' that I may have been 'hardwired', the truth is I am happy this way.
I'm married to a (I'd always believed & been told by him), a monogamous man. He'd been cheated by his previous wife, and claimed to even hate the FFM threesomes they'd had. This is my first marriage.
We had 4 children between us, one grown son each, and we had two very young children, one of whom died very recently.
My husband has met a woman he's become friendly with. We went out for dinner with her & her BF. I found out that night, that he was married, but knew he was dating her. At the end of the evening, the man went home, and the woman came to our house for a drink.
When she was here she suggested a game of strip poker. DH was drunk & played along, whereas I sat there not saying anything, but getting very angry, and uncomfortable. She then suggested a threesome, and her & DH tried to talk me into it. I got my coat & stormed out in tears... DH came to get me & said I was over-reacting. The woman was very sarcastic to me, and made me out to be a prude. She's very intimidating & I'm very, very shy & unassertive. I felt threatened, disrespected - even unsafe, in my own home, and angry that DH didn't stick up for me.
A few days later the woman came round again (though I'd told DH that I didn't feel comfortable with him pursuing a friendship with her). She sat down & talked to me with DH. She told me that she'd explained the concept of polyamory with him, and that he was interested.
I was floored by this, had never heard of it, and lots of questions.
She explained a lot of what is on this site, but when she started talking about how love isn't finite, and used how the love for existing children isn't diminished by the birth of a new one, I got angry - whilst that it is true, it is still *changed*. When our youngest child died, a part of us died too, and the way I related to my surviving child was different - especially to our toddler, I had been close to her, but was very distant from her, and still am in a way.
She explained how my DH was probably always polyamorous, and that she'd explained to him that it was normal. I told her that as far as I was concerned he could divorce me then, she told me how selfish I am. That I cannot control or possess my DH, and that I'm emotionally stunted.
We've only just been offered bereavement counselling, and she wants to come to, and DH supports her. The reason being that she wants to 'support' him. I feel this is totally unacceptable - this is *our* loss -nothing whatsoever to do with her, even if he *does* pursue a relationship with her. It is also very personal & intimate between us - we conceived our child - it should be us - and us alone - that goes to counselling. I feel that her going there is just opening him up to emotional intimacy with her, and I don't even want him sharing in private, his feelings about our loss, that should be preserved for us. I feel as if she is preying on an emotionally vulnerable man, and in trying to share our grief, she is building an emotional bond with him.
I feel distraught right now. My husband & I have an emotional bond that this woman (or any other woman) can NEVER share - we lost a child, and unless he loses a child with this woman, then she can never share the intensity of our emotional life.
She has also said that she may like a child with my husband in the future.
I don't know what to do. I don't want to open up our marriage - period. If DH wants to he should first have the balls to leave me, then do what he will, not try to get me to change the parameters of our marriage.
I also feel that this woman is far too pushy. I don't like her, DH sides with her instead of me, and I don't want him to even stay friends with her - not with someone who knows she has the upperhand with my own husband.
I don't know what I'm looking for coming here, just some advice really - I'm so upset and distraught
In short..this women sounds like a nut job and a bitch based on what you've written here. Hopefully your DH doesn't let his dick take control of his thinking brain. If she wasn't so judgemental/manipulative and aggressive about this now that she knows you don't want it, I wouldn't be so harsh.
I hope your husband is smart enough to see that temporary excitement can ruin a good relationship. I also hope he is strong enough to let you go if he is poly or just wants to have an open relationship.
"She wants to have a child with your husband????" - fuck her and not in the good way.
If some guy came over to my house and spoke to me this way (called me emotionally stunted), I'd show him how stunted I was and stuff a foot in his ass...and then I'd be single anyways because Redpepper hates that stuff ;)
Welcome first of all. I am so sorry that you had to suffer such a loss.
And secondly: What the ...?! How long did he know her? She really got some nerves inviting herself over and right into your bed when you don't really know her and never heard or thought about something like swinging before. At least as long as you are in the picture, that is what this was about, polyamory is about love, not jumping into bed with strangers.
And thirdly: Again, she got some nerves there. How on earth did she get the idea to go to counceling with you two? That's just so rude and uncalled for. You are absolutely right, it's the loss of your husband and yours to mourn, not her place to get involved at all.
To me, she is invading your relationship and privacy on every possible level, totally disregarding you and your needs. But what is really worrysome here is the behavior of your husband in my opinion. How can he act like that? Maybe this is the aftermath of the loss he experienced or whatever brought him to think that it would be OK for him to do something like this in such a situation. His reaction and demands seem to be kind of extreme.
Have you been able to talk to him about his reasons he wants to pursue this woman and polyamory? And why he can't give you at least some time to think about the concept theoretically? It's highly unreasonable of him to expect you to be OK with something major like this over night after one evening he and a stranger talked to you about it.
First of all, I am so, SO sorry for your loss.
Second, I wouldn't be at all surprised if your husband's reaction to this woman and her proposition is at least in part due to his own unresolved grief at the loss you two have suffered.
The woman is way out of line. There is no way she should be trying to get your husband or you involved in something so potentially life-changing so soon after another life-changing event. You need time to grieve and process and get back to a place in your life that you are okay with. Then, MAYBE, tell your husband that if he wants to discuss the possibility with you -and only you, to start- you can't promise you'll change your mind but you will listen. Only if you want to, of course.
Grief counseling should NOT include her unless it's beneficial to BOTH of you (obviously not the case here). If he wants to talk to her on his own perhaps that's his right, but I would see it as VERY dangerous given the rest of the situation. You absolutely have the right not to have her present, even if it means having to go to counseling on your own.
I wish you all the best in dealing with this incredibly emotional situation.
What? The hell?
Nothing about this is ok, obviously. Your husband is displaying a shocking lack of respect for you by giving this woman a voice in your lives over your objections at such a vulnerable time, when she's already:
- tried to shame you into sex (one strike and you're out when it comes to that in my book)
- insulted you repeatedly for your very natural concerns
- tried to insert herself into your life in highly inappropriate ways (I would never, EVER, try to intrude on grief counseling over the death of someone with whom I was not deeply personally involved, and she didn't even know your child... both she and your husband should be ashamed at this suggestion)
If she's willing to act like this when she's not even involved as more than a friend, what might she be willing to do if she actually had a relationship with your husband? It is NOT OK for your husband to invite someone so disrespectful into your lives, and I can only see it getting worse if it were allowed to continue.
An interest in poly doesn't make your husband a bad person. But he should have brought this to you himself rather than letting his potential new girlfriend explain it to you while telling you what a bad person you are. Jesus Christ, who is that insensitive???
So, what to do now?
Invite your husband to come here and read this thread, and see that experienced polyfolk are appalled. Then tell him that he has crossed a major line and that if he doesn't stop seeing this woman immediately you don't know if you'll be able to stay with him.
So very sorry for your loss ...I can't even imagine having someone talk to me that way....like mono said it most likely would end badly hospital for them jail for me.
Where did this C...t come from? Don't tell the fucking Internet.
Take care of yourself and the kids. The universe will take care of those idiots.
I'd tell that stupid fuck husband he 's making big life decisions that will effect more than just him and his dick.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through.
Even if you decided you wanted to be poly at some point, that woman is the last person on earth I'd want near me or my partner. I understand your husband's behavior does stem some from grief, but I'd find his behavior unacceptable. Hopefully the counselor will set him straight, I might even contact the counselor and tell them what is happening, maybe they will tell your husband how inappropriate that it is to bring an unwanted third party to a session, and at least they will be prepared to deal with the situation in case the unthinkable happens and your husband lets this person show up.
I really don't know what can make your husband see the light and stop supporting her behavior. I'd tell my husband that I was hurt that he was accepting her behavior of you, and that even if you accepted him having other partners, they sure wouldn't be ones who were rude to you.
If you are interested or willing in poly at all, I'd say that conversations about that are something that should be put off after you have had time to cope with the grief over losing your child, and you should tell him as much.
Nevertheless, she is pushy, and she is cruel, and the nerve to talk about maybe having a child with your husband is insane at this point in time. I have no idea how long your husband has known her but really, if he is going along with this, he must be in a really bad place mentally, and shouldn't be making any life altering decisions. I don't know if he has been like this before to you in any way (letting people treat you badly) but I am hoping it's just because he is feeling so lost.
I wish I had some more useful advice but I hope that this is just a really short phase and he comes to his senses. I hope you are able to refuse to talk to her again or to admit her into your home at the very least, your husband should respect that. You deserve better than to be subjected to that. And really, if he insists on letting her in, I might call the cops to show them how serious I was (unless you live in a really high crime area that can't spare them to visit your house) or get a restraining order if my wishes weren't respected. I think I'd rather either move out or have my husband move out than be subjected to that when I was going through so much.
(edit: I would get a restraining order if she came around a second time after I told my husband I couldn't be ok with her in my home, and find it unlikely I'd call the cops unless they put their hands on me, but I won't delete it because... under these circumstances, with the sexual coercion, verbal abuse and the stress it is causing, I can't say I wouldn't, so I won't pretty up or apologize for saying something so drastic)
I am sorry for your loss.
It is hard to give advise because I don't know their side of the issue. It sounds like they are both being disrespectful and controlling.
I think you should decide what you want. Do you want to be with your husband? Ignoring this current women, could you be ok if he did date other people?
If going poly (with you being poly or mono) can work, then I think you will have to be more assertive. Say what you are comfortable with and what you are not. Read some poly books with your husband because that will help show guidelines for polyamory that tend to work. Tell your husband to cool it with the friend until you possible feel more comfortable with the situation. And insist they both treat you with respect.
Thanks for your replies.
He's known her for about 6 months. I'd only heard of her in passing, and never by name, until very recently.
DH & I had a long conversation last night.
I told him that this was *our* marriage, and any decisions about it would be taken & discussed together, and not in the presence of, or any deference to, a third party. Sure, I'm on here asking for advice/trying to get my head round it, and fine if he'd spoken to someone who is polyamorous - but preferably after he'd spoken to me about his feelings, especially not confiding in a woman who'd be interested in having a relationship with him - 'cart before the horse' comes to mind there, and it's natural that my defences would go up, as to me all I heard is 'this woman and me want an intimate relationship, deal with it'. Unless he'd discussed the possibility of being polyamorous before, then to me it sounds like he's found someone & wants to legitimise cheating.
They'd exchanged several emails, and he showed them to me (OK so I did push him when he told me that they had, as I will not tolerate some relationship decisions being talked about, when I'm the one in the relationship & not her).
To start with she was a supportive friend, someone who he confided in when he was intially very, very down. Whilst I appreciate her support, and can understand why he was drawn in, it upset me that he confided in her things he didn't with me. That in itself feels like a betrayal - sure he may have not wanted to upset me, and she was an objective outsider, but she was a *woman*, and that upset me, opening up - emotionally - to another woman, which in this case was always going to be fraught with danger. If I'd confided in another man at that time, that would have been just as wrong.
Fact is I needed him at that time, and he needed me, and instead he betrayed me by confiding & building intimacy, discussing things of such a personal nature, and of course she encouraged it, and not once did she tell him to talk to me (which is what you should do in bereavement - talk to each other, not to 'friends'). Instead she seemed to revel in being his confidante.
She then started flattering him, talking about how much she admited him, how the fact that he & I didn't talk, was proof that one person is not enough.
She spoke disparagingly about our marriage, picking fault, reminding him of arguments we'd had that he'd told her about. Very subtly planting seeds in his mind about 'us'.
Then she brought up the idea of being in love with more than one person at a time, and confessed that she'd fallen in love with him and told him that he'd fallen in love with her, although he was scared to admit it.
To be fair DH actually told her he loved me, and wanted only me, but still she (very subtly), kept on about loving him, about him being confused, but how we all are when we fall in love with someone else.
Eventually he did confess that he 'thought' he loved her.
I've told him that I don't want him to speak to her anymore. He's not happy, but has agreed, or else I'll move out with our toddler.
I'm really not sure about polyamory. I guess I'll be flamed here, but no, I don't think I will ever accept it. I have great respect for you guys, but I know it's not for me.
If DH decides he truly is polyamorous, then we will have to end our marriage.
I have asked him to think long and hard about it. Will he be happy to be with just me for the rest of our lives? I'm not stupid, I know that situations can develop, that we can't know the future, that we can only promise to try to do what we feel today; I know there are no guarantees.
But I'd also rather just move on with my life, and DH move on with his now, if he feels that polyamory is something he wants to explore, than to live with resentment.
I don't know what else to do really
No one is going to flame you for thinking poly is not for you -- we see enough stories here from people who couldn't make it work to know that it's truly *not* for everyone. And even if you *could* make it work, you're under no obligation to... while we could tell you all about the ways in which it can be great, it's also a lot of extra emotional work and no one should be forced to take that on if they know they can have an emotionally satisfying relationship in the way they're used to and want that instead.
If you and your husband are able to move on from this, but it still seems like it's something he needs (which I would in no way be sure of, since It sounds like this woman was really manipulating him... but it could be, nonetheless) and you decide you want to at least consider it, there are lots of good resources out there for "mono/poly" couples. But none of them will tell you that it's easy or that it's for everyone.
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