To Poly or not to Poly
Hi all, I was so glad to come across this forum. I am a 38 yrold married mom of two and have been a mono wife for the last 15 yrs. Before getting married I had one other boyfriend who was my only other love, and through a chance encounter (we live on other sides of the country) we have re-connected.
I have always known that I still loved him, but I love my husband too, it's just different. I have always been attracted to and wanted intimate connections with more than one man, but I remained dutiful until now. My husband has been accused of cheating (denies) before we were married, has had a porn addiction, had an emotional affair, and finally a physical affair last sept 2010. After learning of the last affair I took a trip to LA and bumped into my ex. We began talking daily since and it actually helped spice things up with my husband, although I couldn't wait to see my other. My husband found out through searching my phone,(he has been searching through my stuff for years I found out). He confronted me, and I explained everything and told him that I was going to see my other during my next trip to LA. He begged me not to, but I had to I couldn't help it. I admitted having sex with my ex and even in couples therapy was not "sorry". I was sorry to hurt my husband, but not sorry for my actions. My experience with my ex is different, amazing, it feels like a piece of me that was missing was found. We currently talk almost daily, but I am hiding my feelings from my husband. I haven't seen my other in 9mos, and it's awful. My husband doesn't know (I have found safer ways to communicate) but continues to have his own issues, most recently trying to hire an escort.
I love my family life and the relationship I have with my husband, but he is not enough anymore. He comments jokingly about "sharing" me, but I'm not sure if he could. Am I just being greedy? I am considering leaving the marriage so I can be free, but I know even then I would still want them both. :confused:
Welcome to the forum! I'm new here so I don't have much to add but I wanted to say welcome to the forum.
Being Poly isn't a default setting you can (our should) switch to when your relationship isn't working out. It takes a very strong and stable relationship to survive, let alone flourish. If your mairriage is already in crisis, opening it up to other potential lovers will only make it worse.
What you need to understand is that it is possible to cheat while being poly. Any relationship that doesn't respect your partnership with another (or others) is cheating. The infidelity you and your husband repeatedly inflict on each other is negating any chance of having a healthy traditional relationship, let alone a poly one.
Try following this course of action:
- Step 1. Put your other relationship on pause and fix your situation at home, to include stoping all communication wth the other man. Emotional infidelity is just as dangerous as the physical version, and it undermines the intimacy you need to invest in your marriage.
- Step 2. Honestly (and I mean HONESTLY) discuss what both of you will need to open your marriage safely.
- Step 3. Maintain honesty, and respect each others feelings as you migrate into your poly relationships.
- Step 4. Repeat Steps 2 & 3 when things go wrong (and don't worry, they will.)
This has been my humble and unqualified opinion. It's worth what you paid for it. I wish you and yours the very best of luck.
What Park said :)
Well I am new here and although we both are researching how Poly can work but it's not that hard to see "cheating" plain and simple :(
Even as we are new to this, we knew as soon as the subject came up there NEEDED to be rules, set by all parties involved and followed by all parties. If your situation could work out as a Poly relationship that may be all best outcome for all involved. But at this point it sounds like each of you are following your own feelings, fulfilling your own needs without being 100% open with the other in the marriage and likewise hurt feelings are the result.
I know this may be weird coming from another "male" but I think "he" is the one who needs to work on your relationship/marriage. I believe it's common for many of us to have feelings for ex's since while being apart we tend to focus on the good times and not whatever reason they became ex's in the first place. From what you'd stated here he is overstepping whatever rules you have for your marriage, so you feel justified to also overstep.
I admit it's just a gut feeling, but it says it's unlikely there would be a Poly relationship between your husband and your ex unless you and he really really opens up to communicate... Then eventually bring your ex in to the talk and set up what the rules are so everyone feels at ease.
Overall it sounds like hubby just wants to play on the side, but he doesn't enjoy hurt feelings when you play on the side.
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