Poly and me, and us
Where to start, what to say?
There is a lot to our story (as there is to everyone’s story), so I will just share some highlights and an overview.
My wife and I were raised in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (otherwise known as the LDS or Mormon 'religion'). We were married young (I was 3 days past my 20th birthday and she was 18). We did the 'Mormon thing' and started having babies right away and jumped on the hamster-wheel of never ending Eternal Servitude. We both grew up in Ontario Canada.
Over time I began to learn to think critically (a social work degree really helped in that regard). Sadly, I didn't learn to think fully for myself until I was about 34 years of age (I'm 39 today). Eventually I could see the 'religion' for what it was: made up, man-made, harmful, toxic and soul-sucking (not to mention $-sucking) and I could see that my children were being programmed and were believing lies. Eventually I snapped and couldn't pretend anymore (my way of coping and not having my wife leave me with the kids) and I "came out" to my wife as a non-believer.
This caused months of pain and issues for us. During this time we went to see our 'leaders' so they could re-assimilate me (her wish and hope). Happily they were quite abusive towards me (and, not so strangely, to her as well -- for she was guilty by mere association). Eventually my dear wife began to question. And question. And question. And then she was severely abused by her 'loving leaders' and she too could see the 'religion' for what it was.
Along her journey out of LDSland she realized something about herself. She liked women -- a lot. She was unsure what to do with this 'revelation'. She felt guilty. She was sure she was evil and satanic and that God was going to send her to hell and even kill her for these bisexual thoughts and feelings that just would not stop.
After helping with her anxiety, and being a giver personality, I thought she owed it to herself to explore things. She agreed. So I helped her find and watch girls kiss on YouTube during an 'intimate moment'. She'd never really watched girl-girl (or any porn) before. It was like, hmmmm… imagine packing 500lbs of fireworks in your bedroom and setting them all off at once. It was a bit like that, but even that fails to describe it. She had found what works for her (women): she had become liberated sexually.
This didn't go well for me. I reflected that for the first 16 years of our marriage sex was bore and a chore for her and she'd rarely ever orgasm despite me doing my utmost to help. Now all of a sudden she’s capable of orgasming 10+ times a session and other fascinating things and is all hot and heavy... and it had nothing.to.do.with.ME. The cause for her sexual awakening was: women. So the story I told myself of course was that my wife is a lesbian.
What REALLY happened though was a lifetime of sexual repression was lifted and her ENTIRE sexuality went through the roof, towards women and towards me; true it's more towards women, but it's quite high for me as well, I just utterly failed to see that aspect during my pity-party-mindset.
So after months of rough challenges due to my leaving our religion and her world falling apart about that, now my world was falling apart in realizing my wife was gay. And being the helper that I am I realized that I was not what she needed nor what could fulfill her; she needed a woman in her life and I needed to leave. So during one day in September 2008 we were officially going to divorce. I had a place to go. We cried all day and held each other. She said she'd miss me. My heart broke and something in my head 'woke up' and I stayed.
I / we worked at helping her to connect to women for social supports (99.9% of her (and our) friends left when she left the church), as well as connections for 'experimental fun'.
Looooonger story short:
- She kissed a girl or two (and LOVED IT)
- I held her door wide open for fun and relationships as she so choose for about a year and then for the next year she tried to open my door as well so that I could have relationships with women
- Her jealousy and fears and anxiety run very deep so she had trouble with me being with others (she still has this trouble sometimes)
- During that year I had to walk away from some very dear relationships and or close my open door completely to alleviate her fears, pain and anxiety
- The past year or so she's valiantly held my door solidly open and allowed me the same complete freedom she's had from me for the past 3 years.
- It has not been easy for her. I sometimes have been a fool (sometimes I get so engrossed in the NRE and 'candy store' that I forget her needs and our connection... I own that and I am working on it and doing much better but yeah, I sometimes didn’t put her first (where she absolutely belongs)
- Today she is "selectively poly / open"... she wants real friendship connections with women (and perhaps a select man or two -- she is VERY picky with men as she is about a 4 or 5 on the Kinsey scale). She’s dated a few men and women and had some wonderful experiences, and some not so wonderful experiences. She’s still open to more though so that’s positive :)
- My wife also has a personality that is completely happy to just stay home with me and the kids and not have a single other soul involved in our relationship (though she does love and crave women and connections and friendships)... so it does appear to be a bit inconsistent and contradictory (for it is)... she's still on a journey, discovering what she likes, loves and finds acceptable, or not, and when and why and or why not.
- Along our journey we've also tried swinging (I / we find it to be too shallow and hollow), though, well, never say never. It's really just not a preference.
- I prefer the connection, friendship, NRE and even love connections when they arise in poly. I'm not about the sex. Well, ok, I like the sex; however I'm usually just as fulfilled spending 3 hours on a couch talking to and connecting with a woman as I am spending 3 hours in bed with her. Historically as a teenager (way back in the 1880's) I had 3 girlfriends at once (different cities). It just felt right. The multiple connections. I find that need that in my life; I love that in my life.
- We joined a poly group nearby but didn't really connect all that well unfortunately; we hear there is another group in the area and we may check that out one day.
Today I am dating a bit. I’ve had a ‘girlfriend’ for 7 months now whom I quite love, value and appreciate, though things are, well, life situations always change don’t they? I am blessed to have loved and been loved more than most in my life, so I’m holding onto the positive and staying away from the jealousy monster the best I can. My wife is dating a bit too; recently she's reconnected with her ex-boyfriend from 20 years ago (and his bisexual wife) and she occasionally flies out to visit them and is quite happy with this arrangement.
So, that’s me and a bit of our story in a nutshell.
The end. Or, is it the beginning? Depends on your point of view (if you’ve not seen the movie The Gymnast, you so ought to).
All the best.
Your struggle with religion sounds familiar as does your wife's emergence from her sexual repression.
Love your nickname. :) Glad you're here. Enjoyed your story.
In just the past year we've been approached by about a dozen LDS/Mormon women who are struggling with their bisexuality and or faith and or with their relationships due to their bisexuality / loss of faith.
Most Christian 'religion' that we have experienced is repressing, limiting and lacking in humanity and love.
We are so blessed to be 'out' of LDSland. My wife is doubly 'out': she's loud and proud about her bisexuality and everyone knows (her family, our kids, her friends).
Anyway, yes, it is a familiar story.
So, so nice to read a story that has developed so well. Congratulations to you both. I did wonder though, since it seems so many people end up here when they are struggling on their journey, what it was that brought you here.
I was here months ago for a while, reading people's stories and learning about their journey.
Recently I've wanted to again learn from others' journeys and thought perhaps it would maybe be helpful if I shared a bit of my own.
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