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-   -   Unfair family judgement. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=19681)

CautiousLoops 01-03-2012 04:51 PM

Unfair family judgement.
I'm in a tough situation. Long story short 4 months ago a family member (FM) caught me out with the OTHER bf, a concept FM does not and will never understand. He immediately lashed out at me - IN FRONT OF other bf - and made me cry. Now, I'm probably just too emotional and obviously never expected to see FM, however, it made FM believe that what I was doing was wrong and that because I cried I was very unhappy in my relationship to seek out somebody else.

Since that time (that relationship has since ended) FM has made it their duty to reprimand my lifestyle. Previous to poly my bf and I had a dont-ask-dont-tell open relationship. This FM learned of this through a friend of mine (great friend) and is now rubbing THAT in my face. Threatening to tell my bf what I was doing. My bf and I are now in a one-on-one relationship with just us, growing and are doing wonderful! FM thinks we are both insanely unhappy because of the past incidents. I dont need him to keep bringing this up to me OR my friends.

I am a big believer, as is my partner, that whats our business is OUR BUSINESS unless we choose to tell people of our lifestyle. I am VERY irked by what is happening because 1. I am private and feel exposed and 2. I dont need drama in my life OR my partners. My biggest problem is that my partner is being unfairly judged and looked at as the bad guy. He treats me like a queen and is the best person in my life. Poly was MY idea for goodness sakes!! I do not want my family to look at him or at us like we are freaks or that we are unhappy - that is SO not the case.

my FM would like to meet tonight because they said they would like to understand where my emotions are at with my partner. I am doing this alone, as I do not feel it right to drag my partner into this bs. I want to know opinions on how to handle this with my FM and let them know that they need to just stay out of it. I dont want to be a complete B about it, but I want them to know that this is none of their concern, although I appreciate theirs.

Lesson learned: keep the dates in the home!! :o

nycindie 01-03-2012 05:12 PM

Hell, I'd be a complete bitch about it if I were you! Are you an adult or what? Who is this guy and where does he get off telling you how to live your life?

I wouldn't even meet with him, just call him up and tell him that your relationships and how you live your life are your business and do not concern him. Firmly let him know that he has no right nor reason to interfere and you don't owe him any explanations. Then I'd tell him that you are very happy, and appreciate that he feels protective of you, but that he has gone too far and crossed a line where he is not welcome. Then I would deliver an ultimatum: if he continues to preach at me and judge me, he's out of my life. Done and gone. And I'd be ready to back that up for real. Family doesn't get to play that game with me, no matter who they are or how close I am to them.

Stand up for yourself!

CautiousLoops 01-03-2012 05:49 PM

I plan on being it. It's just hit a new level where he told my friend he would like to get together with her and discuss if my partner is good for me or not. Who the F does that? Why is it any of his business at all whatsoever? Im so stunned when people all of a sudden want to get involved in things they know nothing about and want to tell me how to live my life.

I planned on treading lightly but I dont see it going that way.

jasminegld 01-03-2012 10:04 PM

Practice saying these phrases before your meeting:

"You are violating my boundaries."
"Your behavior is inappropriate."

Then you can talk about boundaries - recognizing them, honoring them.


Castalia 01-03-2012 10:42 PM

I am with the majority on this. It is absolutely none of his business and if you continue to justify and defend your decisions to this person, he will just continue to invade your privacy and life. This person will likely never except you; don't let them continue to hurt you.

I have another phrase you should learn and use as needed.
"I appreciate your concern but I am an adult and this is none of your business."

AnnabelMore 01-03-2012 10:52 PM

Involving your bf might help -- he could email FM and set the record straight. But you're right that this is messed up and that involving your bf isn't necessarily fair. You could always tell him the situation and let him decide if he wants to step in... maybe he would very much want to. But it may well make no difference. If FM has their mind made up about this which seems to be the case then no amount of proof might be enough to make a difference.

The lengths I'd be willing to go to would depend on whether this was an immediate family member that I wanted very much to preserve a close relationship with or an extended family member. Are you accommodating this person because youre afraid they will tell the rest of the family? I find the request for a meeting to be pretty bizarre. It's your life and if you need help and advice you're perfectly capable of asking for it.

Unless there was some compelling reason to treat this person with more delicacy I would just say "I've already told you that things are fine. You need to accept that and let this go, or it will damage our relationship."

ViableAlternative 01-04-2012 02:42 AM


Originally Posted by AnnabelMore (Post 118487)
Unless there was some compelling reason to treat this person with more delicacy I would just say "I've already told you that things are fine. You need to accept that and let this go, or it will damage our relationship."

...."damage our relationship", meaning the relationship of the OP with her family member, yeah? 'Cuz The OP certainly doesn't want to give the family member any fodder, for sure. OP, if you use this line (which I think is great), make sure you're clear on that bit.

My sibling and I don't talk much. Sibling thinks my lifestyle choices are Wrong and is vocal that I'll one day "see the light". Certainly that's not as bad as what you're dealing with, but on a lesser degree, I empathize.

I do think it'd be best to let your significant other know what's going on, but I fully agreethat it's wholly unfair to bring them into this unasked-for drama. I, personally, wouldn't even consider asking the significant other to email FM. FM will find something in that gesture to hurt you with, I'd fear.

nycindie 01-04-2012 03:45 AM


Originally Posted by ViableAlternative (Post 118509)
...."damage our relationship", meaning the relationship of the OP with her family member, yeah?

Yeah! So to make it more clear, the OP would say, "Keep your nose out of my business or you will damage your relationship with me."

AnnabelMore 01-04-2012 05:04 AM


RfromRMC 01-04-2012 01:47 PM

My philosophy is, whoever came up with the phrase "Blood is thicker than water" was just coming up with some ridiculous propaganda to encourage nosy relatives to butt in places that aren't their business.
For an independent adult, there is simply no reason to put up with other relatives sticking their noses where it doesn't belong. I've made it a policy to minimize or even cut off contact with any family members who do that. It's made my life a helluva lot easier and less stressful.

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