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primo 01-03-2012 01:30 AM

Advice please..
A little about me first. I am new to this polyamory forum although I have been reading this forum over the last few months. I have been married for six years and my wife and I are totally still in love. I mean it's far from perfect but I guess we are perfectly imperfect for one another. She understands me so well and never wanted me not be me. She has let me sleep with other woman and is totally supportive.

In the beginning it was wierd cuz she was so cool about it I mean I wandered wow this is too good to be true. I even asked her if she ever wanted me to stop and she was like NOT at ALL . You are who you are and I dont want you to change. I knew what I married.

So anyways I have the best of both worlds. I tell my wife all. I never hide anything. But recently I met this girl online. She lives faraway. We have been chatting and writing emails. She is very attractive and is bisexual. We have very sexually charged chats at first but somehow it turned into more. I mean we have this strong connection which I only had with my wife. I mean its the same but different. I dated many girls before my wife but although girls wanted to get really serious I just wasn't feeling it. At some point I got depressed since my friends had found the girls they wanted to marry and I felt like settling if I chose to get married. But I said "F.. It!" I am not settling even if it means I remain a bachelor. Well then when I met my wife after only a few weeks I wanted to marry her and I proposed to her and never regretted it.

Well this girl has done the same. The whole time I have been chatting with this girl my wife (Maria) knew. I told this girl let's call her Alexis in the beginning that I was married. My wife has chatted with her a few times. I actually put her online and they video chatted in the beginning so she could meet her and I wanted Alexis to know that I was being truthful about my relationship with my wife. They have chatted a few times since. Alexis finds my wife attractive but my wife is not bi. Well she may be bicurious but I don't think she even knows herself but that is a different story. Well eventually we fell in love. She is planning on moving closer to me so we can have a better relationship.

Anyways one day the poly conversation came up and I was like hmmm interesting. I was definitely interested after reading some more and then it was like how do I mention this to my wife. well it bothered me for 2-3 weeks and I just wasn't sure how to bring it up. Then all of the sudden I just mentioned the idea. By this time she knew I was in love with Alexis. To my surprise she was like I think that would be a good thing. Alexis seems like a nice girl. In fact she was like she could work in my office if she wants a job. She was totally into the idea. This is why I love my wife! She just surprises me even after these years. I just felt this liberation of my soul or something and my love for her all of the sudden just explosively grew in an instant if even possible. I told her we should discuss pro and cons. And we did and I played devil's advocate and even then she was like this is something I want as well.

So ...there we are. Like I said Alexis means alot to me. I mean if I was not married I would marry her and not look back. I told my wife that and she was like Good. I was not expecting this I told her but I was not expecting YOU and there you were and now we have 2 young kids. The plan is for Alexis to come down to where we live in 2-3 months. She has a lease still and has grad school to finish up plus she is saving up money. She will move to an apartment nearby at first and we will get to know each other better with time but she is not going to live with us immediately. Plus I think its good for her to have a place for her and me time that we can call our own. Anyways Alexis has asked me if that in the future like a year if it would be possible to have like a ceremony where her immediate family can come and have her dad walk her down the isle and we can exchange vows. I mean she know legally we cannot get married but wants a "fake marriage". My wife would be there also and maybe say a few words. My wife is totally okay with this and I want it to. I want to show her my commitment and also to her family as well.

AND THIS IS What I need advise or suggestions. Obviously I cannot get a marriage liscence..I don't want to go to jail. Anyways thanks in advance. Sorry also ofor the long post. I just sometimes want to share this with other people and other than my wife and Alexis I cannot. I tried to mentioned to a friend of mine who is a girl and who I considered to be one of the most open minded people and she chewed my head off. My dad doesn't know but I am sure he would not get it and neither would my wife's family. My dad is very old and I don't care what my stepmom thinks although I know she would think I am going to hell for my "sins" if I mentioned it and the rest of my family would probably ostracized me and my wife;s family would do the same. It felt good getting it all out.

Moonglow 01-03-2012 04:20 AM

Welcome to to forum. Best wishes with your poly family. :)

MrsRockwell 01-03-2012 06:59 AM

What an awesome story! Your wife sounds amazing. A ceremony would really be a great way to bring "Alexis" into the family and even if it isn't a legal marriage,it is in all of your hearts.

Phy 01-03-2012 09:40 AM

I know how complicated this question of commitment and official vows and such can be. I am in a similar situation, even though we never spoke about such detailed actions yet. But I know that the thought of 'how to make this situation we are in to have a more legal and 'fixed' character' has crossed the mind of everyone involved. Along the lines of children, illnesses and responsibility we discusses the downsides and possibilities already at least once. So congratulation on having such specific ideas of how to act on the wishes of the persons involved.

I am a bit astonished about the reaction of your wife. I thought that my husband was surprinsingly ok with everything that was and is going on with my boyfriend, but your wife seems to top even that. Good for you and her:) But I am wondering if there was never a situation where she was having trouble with opening up to the thought/practice? I have never met a person in her situation who seems to be naturally ok with the state of affairs.

primo 01-04-2012 02:40 AM

I knew my wife is special but she just raised the bar! I am lucky and I never expect to win a powerball cuz I think all the luck in the universe was used up in finding and marrying her . I tell her that everyday and I mean it. My love for her has grown exponentially over time. I also love Alexis. I could see my love for her grow to. I was looking into alternative weddings in Vegas like for gay couples with a certificate marking the event. I think it would be reasonable to do the same even if we are not a gay couple...right?

ThatGirlInGray 01-04-2012 03:17 AM

I would think so. A commitment ceremony is whatever you want it to be, as long as you can find someone to officiate it. My partner and I have talked a little bit about a handfasting or something similar, but that's likely quite a ways in the future when we can be "out" about our relationship. For now I wear a ring on my right hand that symbolizes my commitment to him. I know what it means, he knows what it means, and my husband knows what it means. That's what is important to me, so I'm quite content.

We are lucky, though, that we don't have to worry about a lot of the legal aspects. He's not planning on living with us or being directly involved with finances or children. At some point I'd like something that gives he and I spousal rights to see each other in the hospital, but probably not decision-making rights and that's probably farther down the road anyway. At the moment he's long-distance and won't even live nearby until June.

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