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-   -   A crush on our neighbors! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=19660)

PolyInFL 01-02-2012 11:36 PM

A crush on our neighbors!
I have a crush on our neighbors and not sure what to do with it.
My husband, 4 year old daughter and I recently moved from Wisconsin to Florida. We moved into our new house in August, as it turns out we moved in only 1 week after the neighbors did. They are a husband, wife and 2 girls close to my daughters age. We have hit it off immensely! In the past 5 months we have grown very close as friends. Wife and I talk a lot, our girls play together almost every day, husbands have gone golfing etc. We have also spent a lot of time together as a group (all family members) and have never had so much fun. My DH and I are open to poly, but have not put it much into practice due to moving a lot and the typical "how to find other poly people" issues. Our neighbors (I will call them Jose and her Saki) are originally from Spain and Japan, respectively. They have been in the US many years, but since their families are not here and they just moved from another city, we have bonded through our mutual "newness" to the area.

Okay, this is getting long so I will try to summarize better. I have thought what a great extended family we all would make and to my surprise, Saki told me that Jose wishes for that kind of lifestyle as well. He knew someone who grew up in a communal household. I have gotten my hopes up, I know. From their varied backgrounds, I even thought an alternative lifestyle might not shock them so much. However when, after a few glasses of wine, Saki and I were talking the other night I let it slip that DH and I are in an "open marriage" she needed me to explain. She had never heard the term polyamory etc. She was not shocked, but I did not get the sense that it is true of their marriage. Now I regret bringing it up so soon. I did NOT tell her that I am intensely attracted to Jose, or that I also have bi tendencies and would happily consider a physical relationship with both of them. The next day I told her I was embarrassed, she told me not to worry, that it would not change our (meaning all of us) relationship at all.

Damn. I would like to change it. But I knew it was unlikely that we would get so lucky as to find out they are poly as well. I think Jose's interest in a communal family does not extend to sexuality (a kernel of hope remains) but I do not want to scare them or make them uncomfortable by pushing the issue. No matter what, I don't want to lose their friendship.

I don't know if I am looking for advice, sympathy or cautious encouragement. But I would very much like to know what others think. Thank you!

redpepper 01-03-2012 06:31 AM

In my experience its best to leave the ball in their court for as long as it takes. If they never bring it up again then I think you have your answer. Who knows, the might, but bank on it taking a long time. If she didn't even know what poly is and starts researching then she will need time. They might ask you for more info though so be ready for some links, books and some idea of what you are looking for that doesn't include them. That way they will know that you are not necessarily looking for them to be your poly dream dynamic... in time they might bring it up and be interested... but its way too early to tell yet from what you have written.

AnnabelMore 01-03-2012 01:34 PM

I agree with RP. Planting the seed of an idea and then patiently letting it germinate can be very powerful. You can't go digging around in the dirt while you're waiting to see the first sprout, even if you're not sure if it will come! Gotta wait, and maybe it will emerge and maybe it won't.

Ok, enough of that analogy. :) The point is, especially with such a radically new idea people often need time to process. There's no rush, yeah? A crush is just a crush, enjoy it for what it is and don't let it distress you more than is warranted.

nycindie 01-03-2012 03:52 PM

Ah, well. If I were you I'd just enjoy the tingly excitement you feel around them and let it go. If they get curious and ask questions, that's great. If they can't be lovers, it is awesome to have friends.

polandrylady 01-04-2012 08:11 PM

Crush on Neighbours
Don't we all have a little crush on the neighbours... haha. Or, is it just the service people in uniforms that give you parcels or fix the hydro pole. I'm sure it's a classic. How did it ever turn out for you?

PolyInFL 01-06-2012 04:39 AM

Of course you are all right. Not that "wait and see" has ever been my favorite advice to accept, but I know you are right. No rush and I AM enjoying the new friendship no matter what. I just wish I did not want to jump him so darn much.

On the flip side of things, we have been doing a lot of family things together. We were all together on Christmas and Saki told me that Jose said this was the best Christmas he has had since coming to the US. That was sweet to hear. We eat dinners together a lot and she and I go grocery shopping together etc. So, we are actually growing together very naturally. I am mad at myself for letting my hormones dampen an otherwise comfortable closeness.

MorningTwilight 01-09-2012 10:00 AM

It doesn't sound like your hormones have dampened anything at all; just that you aren't getting the response you hoped you would get.

Be kind to yourself--if we were perfect, we wouldn't be human.

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