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-   -   Thoughts and ponderings (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=19630)

Moonglow 01-01-2012 06:17 PM

Thoughts and ponderings
So I am sitting here reading through the posts here and reflecting on the past year... I am very lucky where I am but sometimes I know I sit here and suddenly just get a sense of loneliness maybe just because it is the new year. I tried to think that I had this secondary relationship that would transcend time and space but upon the last visit (in early dec) cannot be sustained. I am walking away from that one and rubbing both hands together, all done. It will hurt for a while because the connection was pretty deep and was 4 years in duration. It just isn't ok for one person to treat another with any kind of disrespect and disregard, and I have to keep reminding myself of this. Just sad because it was so nice to have a destination to visit... and this was truly paradise... (sigh)

I was thinking it would be so nice to have a place to post about these feelings anonymously since I don't have time or inclination to go to therapy. Like DearLonelyHearts. Cuz sometimes that's just what I am... Sometimes it would just be nice to have a place to chat in realtime. I guess there's no chatroom type of feature on any poly sites?

So... just my ramblings in the new year... the hopefully not so lonely new year. :)

Take care everyone!


Moonglow 01-19-2012 01:06 PM

Well it has been a little while but I fell back in love with my secondary despite the time and space. Communication is the key to everything. However this time I fell hard for a few days, I realized I am setting myself up. This relationship is a beautiful friendship with common interests and passion. However, time and space interrupt that and I am really trying to get reality back into my mind. I guess it is ok to love, just what I get in return may not always be exactly what I want and I am learning about acceptance.

I think what always bothers me most is falling and then realizing that I may not be as important to someone as they are to me. How to balance that I cannot figure out. In this case for a little while, we seemed to be on the same page and we might even still be.

I am just grappling with trying to keep the blues away. It is working a bit although been so busy at work I haven't had a chance to enjoy my life. I have appreciated the love that I have, just going to work on balancing it. My primary relationship is stable and can't fault it at all. Just I guess when I want passion, I will think of my secondary even though he isn't here and won't be. I wonder how others manage long distance relationships for any length of time but I guess they do.

Vixtoria 01-19-2012 04:14 PM

All of my other relationships have been LDR. With varying results. As we are a married couple that were monogamous for over a decade, an LDR was actually the best way for us to move into poly. Especially with mistakes I made. That's another post though.

I've worked really hard this time to be mindful of what I'm feeling and why. It's been helpful in showing me that a lot of that 'passion' and the feeling that I want to be as important to him as he is to me, is NRE. NRE with long distance. Of course I think more on things like touching him, cuddling, and yes sex, because it's not readily available. My hubby is right here. If I want to jump him, it can happen right now! Of course, because of work schedules, kids and flu that hits and bounces around the house, bad sleep schedules, it just doesnt' happen as often. The face that the LDR is daily communication by text, email and face time makes flirting easier. It's like a break, but sure it gets you revved up. I remind myself that it's easier to get revved up. Sure the longing is there, and it's intensified. I believe part of it BECAUSE of the distance.

When I find my mind wandering too much into passionate thoughts of my LDR I try to turn them. Not to forget or be rude but to remind myself, I have a loving passionate person right here, if I'm really feeling up for some play time, then I can do something about it! I try to gather the energy not just mentally, which is sometimes all it is with LDR online or in texts, but physically so that hubby and I have time together.

Stable is definitely what my hubby is, but that doesn't mean he's not passionate! It's not the same, little sexts and flirts online. It's him running me a hot bath right now because he heard me say I want one later. Without me asking, without a word. SO I remind myself of those things and realize those are passion as well.

Turning some of that NRE into your primary or long term relationship is helpful. As far as the feeling of not being as important to your LDR as he is to you, well maybe that's true, maybe that's NRE, maybe there are times he doesn't feel as important to you as you are to him. A lot of that fluctuates. Especially when what you have are words. It means a lot to be able to talk and tell someone you wish you could be there when life's every day bumps happen, but it's not the same as actually being there. So it's hard. Try to remember that it's a different kind of relationship and not to look for it to feed you the same way or in every way. Take some of the emotion and NRE and turn it into your other relationships. Give them a boost. Especially long term relationships, those could always use a shot of NRE to spice them up and remind us of the giddy teenager feelings we had in the beginning when it was all new and getting used to each other!

ThatGirlInGray 01-19-2012 07:15 PM

I'm in a LDR with TGIB at the moment, and it's really hard. I'm awful at LDR's. I'm good at communication, but I'm a very physical person. If I'm emotionally close to someone (beyond being good friends) I want (need?) to be physically close to them too. TGIB and I started as an LDR, so I thought I'd be better at it, but no. Even before we ever met in person, when the emotions intensified my need for a physical expression of those emotions did too. And it's not just about being horny/getting sex. It's the hugs and cuddling on the couch and just holding each others' hand. Also, my husband is right here, and we have a good sex life, but that doesn't in any way lessen how much I want to be with TGIB. Just like being with TGIB doesn't lessen how much I want to be with MC. If I just need the release that's what battery-operated toys are for. ;)

I think being a LDR contributed to the "break" TGIB and I took (but it wasn't by any means the only factor) but that break also contributed in turn to our being in a relationship now. We've been split up, and we did NOT like it. Hard though it is, we'd rather have a LDR than no relationship at all. I don't know how I'd manage if this were a long-term arrangement. I'd find a way, I guess, since I'm not giving him up, but thankfully I don't have to worry about that. He's moving out here in June, which in some ways makes the current LDR status harder- like a Senior in their last year of high school or college, you just want to be DONE with this part and get to Graduation Day, even if the previous years at school were peachy! :p

Moonglow 01-20-2012 02:40 AM

Well in my case, we had been friends/lovers for over 5 years. He used to live here up until this past summer. Now he is where he has always wanted to be he says, he was homesick. I am not going to be able to stay there any more than he will stay here. It is funny, I had my first poly relationship and I think he was surprised that I asked for it. After that one was over he lobbied hard to be the replacement and finally when it started to happen he ended up getting moved to another place. Even now I was working on a particular project and he used to be on that project. Just kind of like close but no cigar. I don't know if these are signs but I don't know how it will be. I do miss him alot.

I really appreciate your responses. :) They seem very thoughtful.


NovemberRain 01-20-2012 04:32 AM

I'm appreciating this thread, too. I am brand new to this poly stuff, and have an LDR. I went with First bf for a few years, and then went with Current bf, while we all remained friends. First bf moved about three hours away (2 on a clear day with a tailwind and good traffic). He was here to visit when we realized we wanted to 'do' this; and I've visited him once since then. He's very introverted, and the contact just isn't as much as I want. But it wasn't as much as I wanted when I was with him, either. :D

I'm really appreciating what it is, and what we do have. I'm wondering about all that's in store for all of us.

I think what you said about the amping up is true and helpful, Vixtoria. The longing.

It's a little bit about the sex for me, because in spite of the fact that Current bf only lives next door; both of them have exceedingly low sex drives. I'm not even sure that mine is all that high; I think I perceive it as high in response to wanting more than they do. What I know is that if I had a live-in partner who wanted sex more than once a week (and maybe more than that), it would be really challenging and maybe not possible for me. TGIG, I prefer plug-ins. :) more consistent.

I want to be sure that First bf isn't simply FWB or a fuck-buddy. I want to work at making sure we have more than that.

Moonglow 01-22-2012 02:28 PM

I know that wherever he is, he will be looking actively to have someone in his life. I mean I will be in his life but it won't be like it was even when he lived here. I have had time over the weekend to think about this. I am reeling myself in and not setting myself up. Just wait and see how it turns out.

Moonglow 01-31-2012 06:22 AM

I had this thought about my life. It is funny I think really we want to be loved and desired. In my primary relationship I am very well loved and barely desired at least demonstratively. In the other even LDR I get some sense of being wanted and a lesser extent of being loved, but beautiful long conversations on the phone. I don't get reassurances from either. My secondary keeps referring to the guest room in my house as "our room" when he lived here he would stay occasionally and I would cuddle with him and go wake him for work. I am trying hard to focus on how fortunate I was to have in my life when I did and full gratitude for the ability to love both freely and clearly even if not ideal. I also am trying not to yearn so much to be together with him though that is realllllllyyyyy hard, I am muddling. I admire all of you that manage LDR.

NovemberRain 01-31-2012 06:41 AM

You know, I used to think that I was the only one muddling through life. I thought everyone else I looked at was so much more competent, more organized, more sane, more together, more x (x=pretty much anything), better at x than me. The longer I've lived, the more I've discovered that even folks who look that way, usually aren't.

I've also discovered that I'm likely a little bit happier for consistently striving to choose my own happiness over lots of other things. The money I've spent on therapy could've bought me a very nice house by now. I can't even think about the money I spend on medical. But I has a happy, I has quite a few, akshully.

Keep muddling! And know that you're among friends.

Moonglow 02-11-2012 03:42 PM

Well I decided to bite the bullet and go visit again. I was watching Mad Men and the scene with Red and Cooper when he said, "If I had known that was going to be the last time..." really got to me. So, I am going next week when we have the extra day off. We have a bunch of stuff planned and i have to work and stuff too. I also let go of a lot of things I idealize about. I keep remembering how the past was when we were together sitting on my porch watching the rain storm come in, playing music together... etc etc. I just have to accept that I was exceptionally lucky to have the beautiful moments together and hopefully make a few more this upcoming weekend... And just remember that I am so very fortunate to have love in my life. :) I am also fortunate that my husband has been so supportive, in fact wants to go on the next trip. I think he wants to move there actually :)

I am also incredibly lucky to have friends who understand me and don't judge because I am poly. I am eternally grateful for that as well. Would like a few more of those as well. This board has been inspirational as well helping me read others stories gives me good coping ideas.

Thanks everyone!

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