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-   -   Newbie help! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=19619)

jeffnmeg 01-01-2012 05:04 AM

Newbie help!
Hey, my names megan and Ive been with my partner Jeff for a few years now. I have discussed the idea of a threesome relationship with him and I realy want to give it a shot but every time we meet a girl, it seems shes interested in both of us at first untill we try to set a date with her, and then she reveals that she is only interested in me. what should we do about this? We want to find someone who may want a serious relationship but they all seem to be acting like they want one just to get to me. Jeff has started to get offended slightly because he feels they are acting interested in both of us just to get to me.

dingedheart 01-01-2012 05:09 AM

Sounds like he right. You need a better screen process.

jeffnmeg 01-01-2012 07:34 AM

well we look for women who say they are interested in couples and share some things in common with us but once we make contact, they seem to change their mind about being with both of us and just want to be with me. I dont know how to screen out anyone. our profiles on dating sites clearly states thet we come "as a couple so no men or other couples, only single women" and yet we get women talking us up for a while and then at the last minute telling us they only are interested in me.

risingscarlet 01-01-2012 09:34 AM

In my opinion it's very, very difficult for a 'third' to meet a couple for whom they share equal connection to both partners. I think it's important to allow each new 'couple' develop their relationship at it's own pace.

How are you meeting these new people? Who is making the initial contact with them and carrying on the conversation with them before you set your dates? If these women are primarily interacting with you, maybe they are just not as comfortable with Jeff as quickly as you and they hesitate at being with him because of it.

jeffnmeg 01-01-2012 03:32 PM

we are meeting them on dating site and at our local bar and through friends. the both of us are making contact with them

redpepper 01-02-2012 07:55 AM

maybe try and date separately. Its usually what works better in the long run anyway. A couple usually is a nice fantasy but is daunting and overwhelming in the long run for most.

Do a search for "triad" in the tags to read more about what to expect.

Magdlyn 01-02-2012 11:58 AM

Look at it this way: how many mono married (or long term partnered) couples do YOU know where you get along equally well with the guy and the woman? Or if they are gay, both guys, both women? When I think of couples I know, I almost always prefer one or the other. Sometimes I LOVE one of them and can hardly stand the other.

Usually, I prefer the woman, but there is at least one case where I love the guy but can't stand his wife. I've had to stop visiting them because I can't even have a decent conversation with the guy without his shallow needy materialistic wife barging in with non sequitors.

So, with romantic relationships, it's like this, only intensified. Sometimes a triad will work for a while, when new relationship energy is in place, hormones and sexuality are raging, but once that fades, the true affinity may settle on one or the other of the couple.

Most polyamorous people date separately.

dingedheart 01-02-2012 04:29 PM

Does it have to be a female? I bet you wouldn't have trouble finding a guy to have a threeway with.

nycindie 01-02-2012 07:58 PM

Focus more on developing relationships/friendships with people individually, and you will probably have a better chance at meeting someone who is open to being poly with both of you. Try and meet people who do things you are interested in, out in your community. It sounds like you have been focused on the sex (ie., calling it a threesome), and so it seems you are attracting people who have rather shallow goals and aren't being upfront at first about what they want.

jeffnmeg 01-02-2012 09:37 PM

Yes it has to be a girl. my hubby is a straight man and im a bisexual woman so it only makes sense to have a woman join us. Also, it isnt just about the sex to us but I do see your point. I guess ive been putting the sexx part of it upfront a bit more because i dont want to make good friends with someone and think its going somewhere and have it turn out they never had sex on their mind. p.s unfortunately ALL of my female friends are strait and spokem for lol. I also have a hard time finding new friends because im a mother of 2 so i dont have much time to make new ones and im sometimes quite ackward at first. but its all things I can work on so thank you for the advicce!

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