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trvlngypsy 12-31-2011 08:34 AM

Hi..
 
Hello,

I found this group and thought I'd jump in and try to figure out a little more about who I am and where I'm at in my life.

So the basics first for intro's sake. I'm a homeschooling mom of 3 and have been married for almost 7 years and am perfectly happy with home life and my relationship with my hubby. We are a military family and moved to a new area 1.5 years ago. Getting involved in the local community has taken some time for me but just recently I've found a really awesome Pagan group and I feel very welcomed and fit right in.

I found this group after meeting a new friend, she introduced me to the group and we hit it off really well. She is poly and lives with her husband and her boyfriend and they've been in this relationship for a long time. It fascinated me, because my brother was poly, and besides him I haven't met anyone else. So I'm excited to know some one else. I told my husband that she was poly, because we talk about everything and he was accepting of it, but of course made a few jokes.

So let me back up some, sorry I know this is getting long, when I was pregnant with my second child my husband and I started talking about exploring swinging, but of course because I was pregnant we didn't really explore it just because we didn't want to add any extra stress or anything. But over the next few years we discussed maybe just bringing a third person, another guy, in bed with us because I'm interested in that a bit and after talking more swinging as a couple just isn't something my husband is interested in. After having my third child I've been pretty unhappy with my body and we never really talked about any of it again.

So fast forward to last Thanksgiving (2010). Every holiday meal I like to have hubby invite all the single guys from work for holiday dinners, mainly the guys who don't have anywhere to go or can't make it home. So last Thanksgiving my hubby brings home one guy he worked with, the guy was super quiet and I had to joke with him a lot and we sort of hit it off. He came back for christmas dinner; between the two meals I had talked to him a bit through facebook and we became friends. After the holidays I hung out with him some and we went out to eat a time or two and I thought I just really like him as a friend, I had been craving the male friendship because back before my husband (and my exhusband for that matter) I had a lot of male friends. It was nice to have this connection. Hubby even joked a bit about him being my boyfriend, but I always blew it off saying it was just nice to have a male friend again. But one night I dropped him off and we talked and then hugged and we were both carrying stuff so we had to switch sides how we normally hug and there was a split second where it almost became a kiss instead of a hug... but it didn't happen I just forced the hug and pulled away blushing and said good bye. I distanced my self from him for a long while, but always craved the attention from him when he'd come over to hang out with hubby or what not and we always hugged (I hug everyone, but hugs with him are always a second or two longer).

I've come to realize that I think I might love him, I always wonder how it would be to kiss him, how it would be to have a deeper relationship with him. We went to an Oktoberfest event as a big group and while there I saw him kiss a girl (he is single, it was just a random girl he met that night. nothing more happened other than that one kiss, I know because we were all staying at the same house), I was walking up to him when she grabbed him and kissed him, and I zeroed right in on his mouth and was very turned on... that's not normal for me when I witness other people kissing, but with him I wished I had been the one receiving that kiss.

So I don't know what to do, I have very strong feelings for him but no one knows. Meeting my friend who is poly has given me a bump in further understanding and realizing my feelings, but now I feel that my husband may feel that I'm just saying I think I might be poly and want to explore, it because my new friend is poly... even though I know he knows that I am not that type of person (to do things simply because others do). That is actually the biggest fear I have, but of course I wonder if he would feel offended by it because it's his friend/coworker and if he would feel like maybe I love him less because of my feelings.

I know I don't love him any less, I just want to expand on my relationship with our friend. But the other thing I'm scared of, is if hubby says it is ok, what if I try to bring up my feelings to my friend and he turns me down for what ever reason, I don't want to be heart broken. I know I'm not the typical women he looks for. I'm 7 years older than him as well....

Sorry for the LONG intro, but that is me and where I'm at in life today... lol

ImaginaryIllusion 12-31-2011 09:07 AM

Quote:

Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.
--Dale Carnegie
Welcome to the Forum.

trvlngypsy 12-31-2011 09:17 AM

Good quote, I like it! I'm a sucker for good quotes, they always seem to make so much sense. :p Now if only I can gather up the courage...

Phy 12-31-2011 10:10 AM

Welcome,

this courage-thing can be hard. I understand why you are scared of the consequences, but all I can say: don't take as long as it took me to finally sort your thoughts out. It has taken me more than 3 years :) Just talk about it with your husband, he seems to be quite likely to actually understand what you are talking about really quickly. My husband was able to wrap his mind around the whole business within weeks, I was really surprised by his speed.

This doesn't has to be the case but your husband has at least thought about a possible connection between the two of you if he calls this other man your 'boyfriend', even if it is just a joke. Was the exact same situation with my husband and me back then.

Therefore: wishing you some sort of conclusion to come your way and good luck ^.^

trvlngypsy 12-31-2011 11:07 PM

Thank you for the kind words and the encouragement. I do hope that when I do talk to my husband about it, that he does understand and is supportive. It is nice to hear that you've been through a similar situation.

Castalia 01-02-2012 06:32 AM

If your husband is making jokes about him being your boyfriend he might ok with the idea.
My partner (Gamerboy) made similar comments about our friend (MadScientist). One night last year Gamerboy and I were very drunk and I finally gathered the courage to explain about polyamory and my feelings. He was more than ok with it, turned out he's poly too. In fact he was the one who pointed out I had feelings for MadScientist that I had previously been oblivious to.
There are a lot of wonderful resources here and elsewhere to check out and good luck with everything.

trvlngypsy 01-05-2012 08:21 AM

So I tried to talk to hubby about it a few nights ago and it was a flop. lol I tried starting off with how in our past we had been interested in swinging or bringing a third person into bed with us, and he seemed to get a little uncomfortable. So I tried to explain that he didn't have to worry because I wasn't going to try to drag him into something that he didn't want to do (as in swinging) and it really had nothing to do with that anyways; and he immediately brought up my friend's name who is poly. Then I got defensive and said it had nothing to do with her, that it was just a coincidence that I met her; And then I just stopped and said never mind, because he was joking around and I know it was out of defensiveness on his end.

I told him I didn't want to hurt him and I love him and it doesn't have to do with him and I and our relationship at all, and he said to continue, but still had a smirk on his face and I just gave up.

I get really frustrated because I don't know how to say what I want to say without him joking with me. He's not the type to normally joke like that, so I know he does it as a defensive thing or when he is uncomfortable.

Since that crazy conversation nothing has changed with us, so I don't think he is worried about anything. Maybe it is all in my head I don't know.

However since then our friend (I'll call him Guy) has come over to split some wood with hubby this was his second day out here (can I just insert here, that there is nothing more sexy than watching two men I love be so ... manly. LOL It was very nice, and the best part.. this is the mom in me speaking now, he was so awesome with our kids. He reminded me of how hubby was with my son when I first met him. That tugged on my heartstrings.) . Both days he came over around noon and spent the rest of the day with us, eating dinner and watching a movie, before he headed home. I feel so comfy with both of them in the house.

Hubby's work schedule changed recently, and so did Guy's and it's going to change again soon, but in the mean time hubby and I had some time set aside where we were going to have a sitter for the kids and usually hubby and I go out to eat and catch a movie. But because the work schedule has changed I decided to go out on a limb and ask if he minded if I asked Guy to go to a movie with me, because I don't like going to the movies alone. He said he didn't mind; I'm pretty sure I think he was going to say something else or he was thinking about something, but he didn't say anything else. Maybe I was just anticipating something to be said, I don't know... It's going to be a completely platonic night out, I don't have any plans to do anything or let anything happen (if it were to even go that way, which I'm sure it won't), so I don't feel like I'm hiding anything from hubby or going against his wishes or any of that.

I asked Guy if he wanted to go to the movies with me and he said sure, he knows hubby's work schedule so he knows it is just the two of us. I don't know if he even thinks anything of it, I don't know if he knows how I feel about him.

I have not brought up my feelings and do not want to until I brought it up and out in the open with hubby. I think Guys trusts me that hubby won't be mad, a long time ago we all went out drinking and hubby started talking to some other people and I grabbed Guy's hand and drug him to the bar with me, on the way he stopped and said 'don't get me in trouble' (obviously talking about hubby) I looked at him and told him 'don't worry, I wouldn't put him in that position'. So I know he knows I wouldn't do anything that would hurt hubby or put Guy in a position where hubby would be angry.

I honestly just want someone to go to the movies with and he's just the first person I know who is free and doesn't have to find a sitter (all my friends have kids so they usually can't do anything). I actually didn't think he would even say yes when I asked him; I figured he'd have other plans or just turn me down, but he didn't. :)

Am I just digging myself a hole? How do I just put it all out there for hubby? I want to make sure he knows that I'm not going to go running around on him, my biggest fear is him worrying about me while he is out of town (when he is out of town Guy goes with him). What do you guys suggest, anyone who has been in my position from a totally Mono relationship and one just finding out they may be poly with a love interest? I know part of it is me over thinking everything... I'm pretty good at over thinking stuff :o

Castalia 01-05-2012 06:12 PM

I'm sorry that it was such a flop. It took me awhile to be able to tell Gamerboy too. He did the same thing that your husband did, althogh joking is a regular defense mechanism for him, so that didn't make it any easier.

Although it wasn't the first time we had discussed non-monogamy, we had never discussed it in regards to our relationship. When we first got together, I had just gotten out of a three year relationship and was really questioning monogamy and and the the perfect "one" idea. Honestly, lifelong monogamy had never made sense to me and I made that very clear when Gamerboy and I started talking. I have no idea what posssessed me to be so up-front but I was just really tired of 2.5 kids, picket fence ideals. I had no desire to be fenced in or tied down forever;it goes against my personality. Long story short, he said ok and we've been together since. For awhile we were having a lot of trouble because I was still trying to fight all of those feelings and he was struggling with the same feelings I was,monogamy and society's standards. It took four years and a lot of strife before we finally managed to be honest with each other and things have been significantly better since.

I agree with you on the guys doing manly things together; it's a lovely isn't it? Madscientist was here helping Gamerboy cut down and pull out a tree on Moday and I may have peeked out the window once or twice:D
I think its great that you and Guy go out and do things together. I would love to spend more time with Madscientist, just him and I, but I just don't know how to go about it. That's a whole other story though.
Love the screenname by the way:)


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