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-   -   struggling as second girl (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=19589)

Mintcar 12-31-2011 04:38 AM

struggling as second girl
I am new here so forgive me if my post is inadequate. I will try to keep this concise but I do ramble. I am a 30 year old female and have been in a polyamorous relationship with a married couple for four years. They have been married for 13. The wife and I are best friends and I love the man like a husband. I live with them. The thing is I cannot helpbu feel like he loves her more and shows much favoritism. I need your perspective please. Although I am the only one with adegree in this hh they both treat me like I am not as intelligent as she and he constantly refers and deferrs to her for advice. When he.and I go out he calls herr nonstop and does not me. He pays more attention to her and when I get upset he says I'm too needy. She is very particular and her needs are attendedd to while I must go along for the ride. Both laugh at me often. In general he has more deference for heer and I feel like the goodtime girl. I get more sex I think and that's about it. Am I being unreasonable? What are your thoughts?

bookbug 12-31-2011 05:33 AM

Wow! I was in a triad that deteriorated quickly due to insecurity of the wife. Her husband, who I also loved like my own, also deferred to her, but in our case it was in an effort to try and reassure that eventually failed.

However, this behavior that you are describing sounds very similar. Could it be that she was initially insecure and that this deference became a habit?

Has it grown worse over the time you've been with them or remained about the same?

Or is it possible that this deference was how their relationship was before you entered the picture and so they are behaving as they always have? In which case they probably just regard it as normal. If this is the case, then I agree, their interaction should have been modified somewhat to accommodate you better.

In any case, it sounds like the issue needs to be discussed.

NovemberRain 12-31-2011 05:52 AM

Thank you bookbug, you helped me understand what I wanted to say here.

If I heard this story, about those behaviours, and you were in a relationship with only one of them, I would say it sounds abusive. I would not be happy in a relationship where I got laughed at, and my needs were not considered.

I am all new to this, and my experience has been almost exclusively mono. But that was my first thought upon reading it.

vanille 12-31-2011 06:00 AM

I do not have such experience. However, I have been with my husband for ten years. I wonder if something similar could happen. I imagine if it did, it would only be out of habit (frequent calls, seeking advice, etc). If this is new, he may be going out of his way to show her she has nothing to fear, that he loves her the same as he always has.

dingedheart 12-31-2011 06:26 AM

Besides the dismissive comment about being too needy, what is his response.
Was there an agreement to equal time and focus?

Maybe you are just the good time girl. What's your gut tell you. Actions speak louder than words.

dragonflysky 12-31-2011 07:03 AM

Were you coming into this relationship with the understanding that you would be in more of a "secondary" role? Regardless, NO ONE deserves to be laughed at!

I stepped into an established poly MF relationship with the clearly stated and agreed upon expectation that I would be treated as another primary...never a secondary. It never happened. When I would raise similar concerns to your own about not feeling included in decision making, having my opinion heard and taken into consideration, and/or wanting a commitment from him/them to spend more time together with him/them/extended family, e.g. once a week minimum, I was told I was "too needy" or often ignored and told I didn't seem to understand poly relationships very well! :confused::( I eventually chose to leave the relationship as I knew I wanted and deserved differently and better. It's been a year now and I still miss him...her....the extended family. But...NOT enough to compromise what I want, need and deserve.

Yours is not a new poly relationship. You've been together for 4 YEARS. If the excuse is that he needs to give her more time, attention and consideration to "reassure" her....I can't imagine that she will ever be reassured enough!

Please take good care of yourself as you make a decision about what you want to do. You deserve to be treated minimally with courtesy, respect and kindness.

vanille 12-31-2011 07:09 AM

Out of curiosity, is it common for there to be two primaries? I guess I find it hard to picture two primaries in a relationship where you have been together for a very long time, and another where you have been together for a short amount of time.

I'm not saying it's excusable to be rude and treat you like you are worth less. I'm just trying to grasp the idea of multiple primaries.

Edit: I don't mean the OP in particular. Four years is quite some time.

redpepper 12-31-2011 08:09 AM


Originally Posted by vanille (Post 118034)
Out of curiosity, is it common for there to be two primaries? I guess I find it hard to picture two primaries in a relationship where you have been together for a very long time, and another where you have been together for a short amount of time.

I live with my two primaries. I call them that because when push comes to shove and there is a need for support financially, care for my child or care for me, these two men would be who I depend on. One I have been married to for 10 years and the other I have been with for three. The time and marriage I have is not worthy of more of a position in my life. I don't subscribe to that, and many don't. I alos have another bf and a gf and they are just as important but in different ways. It is possible to have a situation as NovemberRain. Its possible to have any poly dynamic you choose as long as there is responsibility to honesty, open communication, consideration, integrity and a loving base with which to start from and nurture... at least that is what I subscribe to. The rest is up to interpretation.

NR, is this a vee you describe? You say you have been "involved with them," but that the romantic relationship is with him. That would mean a vee, but perhaps an emotional triad.

What kind of agreement do you have with them? It sounds like you aren't getting your needs met. Is it possible if after addressing how you feel and if they are unwilling or unable to change you could find yourself another partner that would show you more attention in the way you deserve or perhaps leave them and find someone more able to fill your needs? It just sounds like this relationship is either done or in need of a big over haul in terms of having some deep conversations and some really honest and open communication about what is okay and what isn't okay as far as you are concerned. They sound emotionally abusive and dismissive, never mind neglectful. How would you feel about telling them that is how you feel (provided you agree of course)?

Phy 12-31-2011 08:30 AM


Originally Posted by vanille (Post 118034)
Out of curiosity, is it common for there to be two primaries? I guess I find it hard to picture two primaries in a relationship where you have been together for a very long time, and another where you have been together for a short amount of time.

I treat my two men in a way that you could call them primary. My husband of 11 years and boyfriend of now about 6 months. The second relationship is obviously much shorter but I can't 'do' relationships otherwise. I need this level of commitment, involvement, everyday life to feel at home in a relationship. Someone that comes along every other day, isn't involved in the important decisions of my life and so on, wouldn't satisfy me. We have complete mingled our lifes and we plan on continuing like this.

Granted, it has been difficult to adjust to this situation for each person involved, the most common and understandable fear of being replaced or loved less, was that of my husband when the exclusive status he had claimed up to that point in my life vanished into thin air. But that fear was shorted lived (it was topic for hardly 3 weeks) and isn't around any longer. They feel more secure in our relationship(s) than I am in fact most of the time.

To the OP: I am really sorry that you have to endure such treatment. It comes across as unloving and -caring to treat you like that. Why didn't you speak up earlier? A partner that laughs at me? Doesn't look out for my needs? Doesn't support me? Sorry but that sounds horrible. If you haven't spoken about how you feel in this situation more than once or twice during those 4 years, do it now. I can't really believe that this is possible but maybe they don't recognize what they are doing to you every day.

Mintcar 12-31-2011 08:37 AM

Yes I was told I would be a primary. An equal wife. When I explain how I feel I am told that I am too needy and that I am just jealous and crazy. I am constantly reminded of how much she does and how I should be more like her. Her and I are friends but opposites. I would say he and I have more passion for eachother but he def respects her more and she is the bottom line. He had kids with her btw. I want kids so badly but he says no more which I feel really messes up the ultimate power play in the dynamic. Oh and thank u so much everyone I appreciate it so much. I finally feel not alone!

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