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-   -   quandary (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=19583)

ozatyr 12-30-2011 11:52 PM

I'd like some advice, if anyone has some good ideas.

I've been married to a wonderful woman for 22 years. We both declared ourselves polyamorous when we started dating. Last year, when I started an extensive professional training program that keeps me away from home a lot, my wife suggested that I should "get a girlfriend" so that I wouldn't be so stressed out. It sounded like a great idea to me, but how to do it?

I hear rumors all of the time about my professional colleagues having flings here and there, but I just don't know how to broach the subject myself. I mean, how does a married man approach a woman (whether married or single) and let her know that he's interested in her without looking like a jerk or offending her? I don't want to lie about being married, but I'm afraid that all of the women I'm attracted to would feel insulted if someone implied that they would fool around with a married man.

I know there have got to be women out there who don't mind playing the role of mistress, but how do I find them?

What strikes me as cruelly ironic, too, is that whenever I hear through the grapevine that two people have had an extramarital affair, they are always church-going folks whose religious beliefs clearly prohibit such behavior as a sin, but here I am, someone who doesn't think that there's anything inherently wrong with it, especially since I have my wife's approval, and yet I have no idea how to get there. Do people just want their lives to be like little soap operas, where they're always plagued by shame and guilt and betrayal? Are these women who have affairs getting some kind of kick out of playing the "home-wrecker" role?

I'm just stumped, and please believe me, it's not that I'm really ugly or awkward or anything like that. I'm in extremely good shape for my age, very athletic, and very confident and personable. So what's the problem?

redpepper 12-31-2011 07:53 AM

Cheating is more culturally acceptable. Unfortunately that is the way it is as far as I can see. Its more of a threat to know that the wife is okay and that everything is above board than to sneak around behind peoples back. It can also be threatening to think that it might last longer than a quick fuck and that there might some expectation of committing to something more.

If I were in your situation I think I would not think of this in the same realm as people who are cheating and especially not in the realm of your colleagues who are cheating. If your wife is okay with you having a gf or even the occasional "open marriage" fling, then that is completely different than cheating and should be treated as such. You can be confident in that, stand tall, go about finding a gf from a place of integrity, honesty, respecting those you love and the women that you are interested in. Market yourself that way because that is something to be proud of. Sure, you likely will get some that frown on that, but whatever, they are just ignorant and undereducated. I would do my best to educate them and if their remarks continue then they are likely jealous that you have it so good.

Maybe try looking for local poly groups, go to dating sites that you know are poly friendly such as OKC and start a profile that mentions what you are looking for. Invite women out that you know are single and start talking poly up to them and those around you openly. Chances are there will be some interest eventually. Things that matter take time, affairs take less time because they don't matter.

Anneintherain 01-01-2012 12:55 AM

I'd probably be using OKCupid.com too, to write to women who are in the areas you travel to that are already poly, or in open relationships, or at least can see that you are married/available on your profile, so they can decide if they are interested or not in that dynamic (if you happen to hit the same cities regularly at least), get to know them online, meet for coffee when you're there and see if anything springs from that.

If your wife puts a profile up too and you can link to hers so people know you are above board that's all the better.

Both my husband and I have had people write to us who don't live here, that planned on moving here at a future date, scouting out potential friendships and such with people in advance.

risingscarlet 01-01-2012 08:40 PM

Let me just throw in here, that in my experience as a professional student 'getting a girlfriend' does NOT reduce stress. I'm not saying you shouldn't do it, just that having that expectation might be unreasonable.

As far as how I date... generally I've had the best luck meeting compatible people through OKCupid. Joining local poly-friendly interest groups is also a good way, but I find my time is a little limited for attending events.

When you write your profile, or contact people you'd like to date, make a mention of your relationship style early on. A lot of people won't be interested, but in my opinion it's better to figure that out right away than spend the time and heartache on people who won't accept it. You don't have to (and I don't recommend) laying your whole story out on the table immediately, but do say something to the effect of 'I'm already in a relationship and she knows I'm dating other people too.' Answer questions as they ask them or you feel the desire to share more info.

Good luck to you, Blessed Be.

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