Advice on New relationship
Hi I'm new to forums and pretty new to open relationships. I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 6 years, living together 4 and last year we opened up our relationship. I've been having some jealousy issues recently and not sure where to go from here.
Since we opened up the relationship he was with an old friend of his from home the two times during the year he went home and I was was with an old friend last time I visited home as well. He also was with a work friend once. I didn't have any problems with that. Then I met a guy, we slept together but then I wanted to just keep it as friends so we meet sometimes for coffee/drinks and text each other but no sex.
Around the same time I introduced my boyfriend to my work friend and they really hit it off. They both checked with me if it was okay to take things further than friendship, and I said it was fine but I guess I was surprised at how much further its gone. I assumed that they'd be a friends with benefits the odd time but actually he sleeps over once a week and then they meet for a daytime meeting maybe once or twice a week. I was also a bit thrown that when they meet up even during the day that they don't just hang out like friends they are more couple like, they hold hands, cuddle up to each other. They also text each other every day.
I've been trying not to let it bother me, but its been two months now since they first hooked up and I still feel uncomfortable. My boyfriend has said its understandable to feel a bit jealous but also that I have to realise that him and this girl are a separate thing it doesn't change how he feels about me and maybe I am crossing boundaries by concerning myself about him and this girl because it is not my place to define their relationship.
I have to say I'm still friends with this girl and really have no problem with her, just uncomfortable with my boyfriend being so close with someone else.
I must say also I really happy with the time I spend with my boyfriend, am I being unfair on him (and the girl) if I want him to cool things off with her somewhat? Any advice, on how I could maybe kerb my jealousy and be more supportive of this second relationship?
Well then, it seems you have gone from "open relationship" of just sex with others to "Poly relationship." It sounds like a whole new set of boundaries is needed. I think if I were in your position I would get about being as open and honest as I can with myself and in my communication and request some of my needs be met to clarify where I fit in and what their position is on one another. This should take care of most of your jealousy issues. Usually jealousy is fear or threat and needs being unmet. Figure out what the specifics are and then break it a part and deal with it bit by bit.
I don't think you can ask for it go much slower than it is now. What they have is perfectly reasonable for a budding relationship. Once a week sleep over, a couple of day time dates and texting every other day is not a lot and the usual in most poly relationships at the best of times. You could ask I guess, but it sounds like you mostly need to catch up on where they are at. It sounds like doing your own work, with their help, would be your best bet.
Have a look at some of the other threads on "jealousy" (do a search in the tags) and maybe this thread on lessons learned and this thread on foundations of poly.
Thanks, for the advice I guess when we opened up our relationship we said neither of us wanted a second relationship so I was unsettled when this developed. Also while we were both eager to share our experiences with the other people we have been with I am feeling more left out in this new relationship.
Because I'm friends with this girl we agreed that she would be uncomfortable with me knowing details of their sex life, and she has a right to privacy. Whereas before sex with other partners was something me and my boyfriend liked to share and bond over. I know communication is important in this situation, and while we are good at talking about our own relationship, I guess I'm unsure about how much I can know about his second relationship, I'm trying to balance their privacy with wanting him to share more with me.
I will discuss this with him and like you suggest talk about our new boundaries. Thanks also for the link.
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