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-   -   The clocks all stopped at 1:17... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=19480)

siddhartha 12-29-2011 02:44 AM

The clocks all stopped at 1:17...
 
A long shear of light and then a series of low concussions.

My new secondary, a woman I've known since my time in the Army and with whom I've recently fallen in love, has just informed me that she has herpes. We have never been physically intimate. It doesn't change how I feel, but it is something I will have to tell my wife. I feel numb, like a hollowed-out gourd.

I don't need advice. I don't need attention or sympathy. Reply or don't, I don't care, but I need to put it somewhere.

Why are you taking a bath? she asked.
I'm not.

nycindie 12-29-2011 04:47 AM

Herpes doesn't need to be so scary. Most people have it and don't even know it. There is good info in the later part of this thread on herpes (most of the thread addresses HPV):
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1189

And another discussion on herpes (HSV) here:
Only 6 months for HSV-2

MichelleZed 12-29-2011 05:40 AM

I wouldn't give you sympathy even if you wanted it. You'llbe fine. Herpes isn't a big deal. Do some research on it and you'll feel a lot better.

siddhartha 12-29-2011 06:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 117732)
Herpes doesn't need to be so scary. Most people have it and don't even know it. There is good info in the later part of this thread on herpes (most of the thread addresses HPV):
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1189

And another discussion on herpes (HSV) here:
Only 6 months for HSV-2

Quote:

Originally Posted by MichelleZed (Post 117739)
I wouldn't give you sympathy even if you wanted it. You'llbe fine. Herpes isn't a big deal. Do some research on it and you'll feel a lot better.

Thank you both. I've spoken with my wife and I feel a great deal better now. Assuming my second still knows how I feel about her, we should be okay. We'll see.

SourGirl 12-29-2011 06:15 AM

Hate to break-up the acceptance party, but herpes can be a very big deal.

Even if it`s common, even if many people have it, you have to know facts before you can come to a decision where you feel empowered to make the right choice.

Educate yourself. Some people have very rare outbreaks, other people have brutal ones.

Choosing not to love somebody because of a disease would be a horrible thing, but proceeding wisely and informed, would be a great idea.

I am glad your wife has helped you feel better about it. Still, follow nycindie`s link, and talk to a qualified doctor. Find out the full deal on the types of outbreaks she has, and what type of herpes.

I think it is a great start that your secondary made sure to tell you beforehand. trust is built and destroyed on the level of honesty one receives,..even when it`s hard.

Good luck.

RfromRMC 12-29-2011 04:04 PM

From what I understand, if she takes a full dose of Valtrex daily and you avoid contact if/when there is an outbreak, the chances of getting it in return are minimal.

km34 12-29-2011 04:31 PM

Everything I've heard points towards Herpes being not that big of a deal as long as you're careful UNLESS you are a woman who wants to have kids. Having an outbreak while pregnant/giving birth can cause issues (although they are usually VERY prepared for what can happen).

So, I'm not sure on your age/family status but if you and your wife plan on having a(nother) kid, you might want to look that aspect up before deciding to be physically intimate with your secondary. Either way, I don't think the relationship has to end just because you can't/won't have sex.

Talk to a doctor, keep talking to your wife, talk to your girlfriend... Just make sure you've thought out all the possibilities before making a decision that could affect you and your loved ones forever.

dingedheart 12-29-2011 08:04 PM

lets for a second say its not a big deal....why as a spouse would I want the exposure or possible life long headache. Why would I (the partner with oso with herpes) want to expose my wife or husband to that and have to life with the guilt every time there was an out break ....sorry just wouldn't cut it after the third time. The disease keeps spreads somehow. Here's the perfect reason to throw the veto card.

SourGirl 12-29-2011 09:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by km34 (Post 117788)
Everything I've heard points towards Herpes being not that big of a deal as long as you're careful UNLESS you are a woman who wants to have kids. Having an outbreak while pregnant/giving birth can cause issues (although they are usually VERY prepared for what can happen).

Or, you have any type of cancer, immuno-supression, other health issues. Or, if you receive herpes on a 'non-genital' area. Like thighs, tummy, etc, where viral sheddng can occur. Some people have very painful outbreaks. I know someone who experiences very severe outbreaks when he is stressed. It is very painful for him. My heart goes out to him when I see the anguish it causes him. It is worsening as he gets older.

I know quite a few people with herpes, and most do get by with very few issues, and are careful with their partners. Not everyone, though.

What needs to be 'killed' is the stigma attached to herpes, or people dealing with herpes. Not the reality of what can happen. If you love someone and want to be intimate, be honest, and have as many safety precautions in place as you can. Ask the tough questions. Be prepared to deal with the hard answers.

Just go into it, knowledgeable and accepting you might not win the long-straw on 'easy' outbreaks.

..and back to your regularly scheduled comforting.

Anneintherain 12-29-2011 10:48 PM

I don't know if your wife and you asked them to add the HSV 1+2 tests to your regular tests ever during STI testing, but do read those other threads, and remember that up to 80% of people with it don't know they have it.

I consider HSV-2 to be a virus that I don't want, but really I don't care if I get it, and the only reason I'd rule out a partner based on it is because my boyfriend's agreements with his wife would necessitate a segue into a non-intercourse relationship if I do contract it, and frankly, that would really suck for me, as I happen to really enjoy that stuff :rolleyes:.

I'm glad your talk with your wife has helped you feel better. I just always advise to make sure you do NOT have it before "vetoing" somebody who cares enough about their health (and YOURS) to specifically ask for it, or to honestly share that information and be upfront about something that isn't the easiest thing to share with a potential partner.

I am guessing that lots of times people who refuse to date people who have HSV-2 or HPV (especially men, since they can't be tested for HPV) have a pretty decent chance of being positive for something that they don't even know about. (Remember, about 1/5 women and 1/8 men DO have HSV-2)


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