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-   -   Just been asked to join a poly relationship... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1947)

blueangel2009 01-11-2010 04:59 AM

Just been asked to join a poly relationship...
 
I posted an ad on Craigslist looking for a new guy, and a young M/F couple contacted me instead and asked me if I'd join their relationship. They seem like very nice people, and say that they're very loving and loyal and I've seen their photos and everything. I told them I'd be open to talking about it, but since I've never been in a poly relationship before, am nervous. They live out of town, so won't be able to meet me for a while, so we're emailing back and forth for now and may chat on MSN soon. I'm still not sure if such a relationship is what I want at this moment, but I'm open to discussing it. I'm bicurious and would like to explore that, but am not sure if I'm ready to have a relationship with a girl, let alone two people. I'm still so new to this idea. Advice?

CielDuMatin 01-11-2010 05:03 AM

BlueAngel, welcome to the world of polyamory and to the forum.

I can offer you some reading by a very good writer called Franklin.

Polyamory for the Monogamous: http://www.xeromag.com/fvmonopoly_existing.html
Things to Consider Before You Enter a Relationship as a Secondary: http://www.xeromag.com/fvsecondary.html
Guide to Dating a Couple: http://www.xeromag.com/fvpolydatingcouple.html

Those have some excellent advice, I feel, for people in your sort of situation.

I hope things go well for you!

crisare 01-11-2010 05:04 AM

Hm. I'm not sure what they mean by "joining" their poly relationship, but that seems awful fast to me.

Building a relationship takes time. You meet each other. You date. You learn about each other. And then you decide if you're compatible and want to have a relationship together. IMO, anyway.

How can you know if you want to build a relationship with someone from an ad, a few photos, and few emails.

Yeah, I would be very cautious going into this. If they said they were interested in meeting someone to *potentially* have a relationship with, but to just .. jump in? I'd take it a step at a time.

blueangel2009 01-11-2010 05:12 AM

Well, "join" was my word, not theirs. They said they were "looking for a third." Apparently the wife has wanted this for some time and the husband didn't approve at first, until she somehow "proved" to him that there would be no jealousy issues. I don't know... this is the second time they've messaged me, the first being when I had a slightly different Craigslist ad up a couple of months ago. I looked in another section of Craigslist and they've also posted an ad, seeking either a male or a female for their third. It's a bit confusing... the more I think about it, the more uneasy I become. Part of me is just curious to hear more about it from them. :confused:

crisare 01-11-2010 07:24 AM

OOhhhh big red flags all over the place.

The wife "proved" that there would be no jealousy? And how, pray tell, did she do that?

Look, it's human nature to be jealous. My husband loves me and is perfectly ok with my seeing other men and developing a relationship with other men, but he still gets a bit jealous. We talk about it and resolve it. I am perfectly ok with the fact that my other guy was married but I was still envious of the time he spent with her that he wasn't with me. There is no way anyone can "prove" that there won't be jealous issues becuase, quite frankly anyone who says they don't have a twinge of jealousy is flat out lying. It's human nature and its' going to happen - especially the first time another partner comes onto the scene. People who understand that and say that they'll deal with any jealousy issues that come up in a reasonable manner and communicate about them - that's healthy. But there's no way she can "prove" to him that there won't be issues.

So now you've got a guy who doesn't "approve" ... but has been somehow convinced by his wife through some "proof" that there won't be jealousy?

Yeaaaah. This has train wreck written all over it.

If you have any interest, I'd ask them straight out exactly what "proof" was provided that jealousy wouldn't exist and if he is actually interested in this or just being coerced by his partner.

And then I'd pretty much say "no thanks" and move on to a healthier dynamic.

That's just me and my take. Others may see it differently.

DrunkenPorcupine 01-11-2010 07:31 AM

Quote:

That's just me and my take. Others may see it differently.
Not I, said the blind man.

Poly folk don't have a magical ability to vanquish jealousy. It just happens that (often, but not always) we manage to deal with it without destroying relationships.

I'd be weary of someone who doesn't feel a twinge now and then when someone they love isn't spending desired time with them.

blueangel2009 01-11-2010 12:39 PM

Thanks, everyone! Yeah, I don't know how it's possible not to be jealous. That's one of the biggest reasons my ex never talked me into a threesome, because I didn't know if I could cope with seeing him with another girl. It's one thing in theory, but in practice, might not be so easy. If I ever do get into a poly relationship, I think I'd rather it come about more naturally than meeting two people on the internet.

Ceoli 01-11-2010 01:13 PM

If you're thinking of getting involved with a couple, I'd seriously look and see if they have any practical experience dating in this dynamic. The internet is full of couples looking for that third to "complete" their relationship or because they just want to "share the amazing thing they have". Sadly, most of these couples have no idea what it means to date as a triad and are often looking for that third to fill a very specific role. Often there is an expectation that you will love both of them equally and if you end up falling in love with one of them a bit more than the other, all sorts of nasty ensues.

And yeah, the fact that they seem to think that you can prove that there will be no jealousy issues seems to suggest that they really don't understand jealousy or understand themselves enough to deal with jealousy when it pops up.

I don't know if this specific couple fits this dynamic, but the fact that they are looking for this over craigslist just doesn't bode well. I'd run the other way if I were you.

StitchwitchD 01-14-2010 12:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ceoli (Post 19557)
If you're thinking of getting involved with a couple, I'd seriously look and see if they have any practical experience dating in this dynamic. The internet is full of couples looking for that third to "complete" their relationship or because they just want to "share the amazing thing they have". Sadly, most of these couples have no idea what it means to date as a triad and are often looking for that third to fill a very specific role. Often there is an expectation that you will love both of them equally and if you end up falling in love with one of them a bit more than the other, all sorts of nasty ensues.

And yeah, the fact that they seem to think that you can prove that there will be no jealousy issues seems to suggest that they really don't understand jealousy or understand themselves enough to deal with jealousy when it pops up.

I don't know if this specific couple fits this dynamic, but the fact that they are looking for this over craigslist just doesn't bode well. I'd run the other way if I were you.

*nod*

There's even a flowchart.

Ceoli 01-14-2010 12:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by StitchwitchD (Post 19849)
*nod*

There's even a flowchart.

Oh yeah, I don't even have to click the link to know you're referring to Tacit's HBB Flowchart :)

I've posted that chart around these parts every now and then :D


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