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-   -   One night stand vs. Poly? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=19446)

skyfire322 12-27-2011 10:28 PM

One night stand vs. Poly?
 
Hey guys! This is my first thread here... I'm not sure if the title of the thread is correct, but I'm curious to see what your take on a situation I'm dealing with at the moment. My girlfriend and I have been poly for about a year now. We have gotten our feet wet, but have never jumped in completely, because there just hasn't been anyone who's interested, per se.

She started talking to someone online a few months ago. He seemed like a pretty cool guy, so I started talking to him as well just to pick his brain, since we had a lot in common, although there were many red flags going up from the beginning. As the weeks progressed, I found out that he's a flirt by nature and that he's done the same sort of thing (flirting to the point of 'let's meet', then losing interest completely). I also found out from other people who have been in contact with him, for lack of a better term, sucked in, and that he's a compulsive liar. She even said she has lost some trust in him.

He had told both her and I that he's not comfortable being in a poly relationship, and really had no romantic interest in her. One day he said that once I'm out of the picture and once his divorce goes through, he plans on pursuing a romantic endeavour with her. He's visiting NYC (about three hours from where we live) this summer and she wants to go down and meet him. We sat down one night, and she told me that when she goes down, she'll probably have sex with him.

Here's where the problem lies... We agreed that if one person in the primary isn't comfortable or doesn't trust the outsider, nothing would happen. However, she's dead set on meeting him. I have no problem with them meeting as friends, but knowing the type of guy he is and what his intentions are, and I kind of have a feeling that she'll throw everything out the window and just do what she wants.

With all of that being said, do you think that one night stands can be included in the same circle as polyamory?

nixndrew 12-27-2011 11:03 PM

Wow. We're also new to poly, but we've been swinging for years. We've always had respect for each other and our relationship to listen when the other partner is feeling uncomfortable. It hasn't always been easy.

If the guy is as big a toolbag as you think, she may just realize she doesn't want him by the time summer rolls around.

And no, one night stands are not poly. That would be swinging.

redpepper 12-27-2011 11:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by skyfire322 (Post 117554)
do you think that one night stands can be included in the same circle as polyamory?

sure, for some people. Some people have a huge connection and a lot of healing and growth from a one night stand. I think its important to keep to good ethics of inegrity, consideration for all, caring, love honest and open communication and beyond that anything goes.

AnnabelMore 12-27-2011 11:37 PM

"One day he said that once I'm out of the picture and once his divorce goes through, he plans on pursuing a romantic endeavour with her."

Wait... what? He's making plans for when "you're out of the picture"? This is not someone I would be comfortable with my partner getting involved with. And she said she'll probably sleep with him even though your agreement is that neither of you will get involved with someone new if the other isn't comfortable with that person? And you don't trust her to resist his charms either way?

Um, forget about trusting him. Where is the trust between you two? :( This whole situation seems fraught with issues. Am I the only one seeing this?

So, sure, there's nothing that says a poly person can't have a one night stand. There is, however, something saying that no one who knows this dude's MO should have a one night stand with him, and it's called common sense.

SourGirl 12-28-2011 12:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore (Post 117562)
Am I the only one seeing this?

Not likely.


At OP :

The guy is obviously a twit. Albeit for a liar, a pretty honest twit. Him wanting you out of the picture, should cancel-out him even getting into the picture.

Sounds like your girlfriend has a issue with playing-with-fire. Hopefully you both can figure that out before summer rolls around. As this is the type of issue that will pop up repeatedly in a relationship, regardless of exactly which twit is involved.

As for your question,,..it really doesn`t have anything to do with your situation ??? Yes, one night stands can be poly, if things are ethical and people feel honest and good about a situation. I don`t see that happening with twit-face and your girlfriend.

AnnabelMore 12-28-2011 12:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore (Post 117562)
Am I the only one seeing this?

Quote:

Originally Posted by SourGirl (Post 117564)
Not likely.

Yeah, I felt a little silly after I hit send on that one..

Magdlyn 12-28-2011 01:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by skyfire322 (Post 117554)

She started talking to someone online ... there were many red flags going up ... (flirting to the point of 'let's meet', then losing interest completely)....he's a compulsive liar. She even said she has lost some trust in him.

He had told both her and I that he's not comfortable being in a poly relationship, and really had no romantic interest in her.... he plans on pursuing a romantic endeavour with her.

Note the contradiction in those last 2 sentences.
Quote:

...she'll probably have sex with him.
Quote:

I kind of have a feeling that she'll throw everything out the window and just do what she wants.

With all of that being said, do you think that one night stands can be included in the same circle as polyamory?
Wrong question!!!

Reread what you wrote, dude. This is fucked up.

km34 12-28-2011 03:47 AM

I have to agree with most here. It doesn't matter whether or not this would 'qualify' as poly or not. If the guy is talking about getting rid of you, he should be out of the picture. Your gf should get that.

I'm not opposed to people having one night stands. Would her having a one night stand with this guy count as her having a poylamorous relationship with him? No. Poly people can just have sex, too.

redpepper 12-28-2011 03:55 AM

I totally missed that. Ya, fucked up. Not a situation I would want to be in as it would be very unhealthy emotionally and mentally.

BigGuy 12-28-2011 04:32 AM

Sky, the answer to your question is... "it depends".

One-night stands don't fall under the poly umbrella technically speaking. It implies a random hook-up with no emotions involved, where emotional connection is one of the key components that define the polyamory concept.

My impression of the intent of your agreement is for one partner to have some protection if the other is about to bring extra drama into the relationship dynamic by sticking dick in crazy or vice versa.

Your problem is that this really isn't a one-night stand.

She's been talking to him, but you haven't really indicated if she has an emotional connection with him, or if this is purely a physical encounter. If its just sex, then I would say this situation isn't covered by your agreement. Like SourGirl says, (if I'm reading her right) if it's just sex, its a non issue because he wont ever be part of the picture.

Now, if she does have an emotional connection or there is a substantial possibility that an emotional connection could develop, then I would say your agreement does apply in this situation.

In which case, your problem isn't him. Its her.

You are going to have to decide, if she's willing to throw agreements out the window whenever NRE strikes, whether or not the benefit you receive from relationship is worth the additional grief she generates.


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