Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Introductions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=9)
-   -   Is there really enough love to go around? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=19404)

bridget11 12-27-2011 01:53 AM

Is there really enough love to go around?
Hello everyone...
Is there really enough love for more than one person??? That is a question I have been asking a lot lately. Is it really possible?
I have been happily married to a wonderful Man for over 15 years. He has always been my best friend... over a year ago, I met a Man who I fell in love with... I was not seeking a relationship... it just happened. He has been married for the same amount of time. We are so much alike and I am not a mystic, but I feel as if I have known him all of my life... It is interesting in that our spouses are very alike in personality as well. My husband and his wife are both introverted and look to us to take the lead in our families lives... I think that is part of what we bring to one another, a feeling of strength and a feeling of not always having to make things happen as we do with our spouses. We feed each other energy. Yes, I know that it may be "New Relationship Energy"... but it has been over a year now and it has not lessened at all. We started this journey with the premise of a D/s relationship between me and my lover/boyfriend/Dom... not sure what to call him on here... But, soon, it became so much more. My lover and his wife were already in an "open D/s relationship" with him being in control of their experiences with others. I had always had an interest in D/s relationship, but my husband does not have a Dom personality. After my lover and I talked and discovered our mutual interest (he pursued me)… I went to my husband and told him of my desire to have a D/s relationship with this man. He was glad that I came to him, but also worried. We have all gone out together and our children have become friends and often play together. I think it also important to mention that the D/s thing is just fun for my lover and me… we really see one another as equals… We are exploring the poly lifestyle, as none of us want to end our marriages. My lover and I are committed to one another and neither one of us can even imagine not having each other in our lives… It is just not an option. I feel that we are being selfish, expecting our spouses to get on the Poly train (for lack of a better term)… but we do not know any other way to make this work. Obviously, our spouses both realize that the relationship between us is much deeper than casual sex. We are in love… but at the same time, we still love them… and we do not want to hurt them. Is this possible? Is the damage done? Has anyone else found themselves in this situation? I know that the right way to start in a Poly relationship would have been to have the understanding first… is it possible to do it after we have fallen in love???? I never in a million years thought that I would be I this situation. Both of our spouses are wonderful people… are we terrible for falling in love??? Are we just selfish?
Is there really enough love to go around?

ImaginaryIllusion 12-27-2011 05:46 PM

Is a word....Yes.
Love is infinite if you let it be.
Time, energy, and a few other resources, maybe not so much...and that's usually where the juggling act gets complicated. But it's manageable.

But from the sounds of it, your spouses knew what was going on, and there's been openess about the process. So, what damage could possibly be done?

There's no terrible or selfishness in finding love for another. How you let it affect your actions may be a different story, but that's where communication and honesty come in.

Welcome to the Forum.

BlueMoon0 12-28-2011 01:28 AM


Do you know why your hubby is worried? Is he worried about losing you, or worried about your safety (physical or psychological) within your other relationship?

Must admit that whilst I'd be open to my wife having another, having another Dominant would likely be a concern for her well-being. Men are the "protectors" and that mantle is not easily discarded. And it doesn't have to be rational ... an eyes-wide-open D/s relationship can be much safer than straight vanilla sex.

I think it's cool that you're trying to be self-less. It seems your hubby is open to the idea, in theory. If I were him I would likely just need plenty of reassurance... us men are sometimes more sensitive than we let on.

KindaPOd 12-28-2011 02:27 AM

Is there enough love to go around? Looking at the state of the world today...nah. Not enough love for emotional monogamy to work either. Not the answer that you were expecting but there you go.

Like the others said, take it slow, be respectful, communicate with each other, be honest, be caring, reassure each other, stand tall. You should be okay.

^ Actually, that's probably not a bad thing to do in any sort of social interaction.

bridget11 12-28-2011 03:49 AM

Yes, I believe that he is worried about loosing me... not today, not tomorrow, but maybe when our kids are grown... I have no intention of leaving him and our family. I am so thankful for the relationship that we have and have had over the years. I would not and do not treat it that lightly. I guess, the problem is he had a hard time talking about the situation and denial works for him... and, with the kids and holidays, it was easy for me to just not bring it up... that has to change. It is going to be hard... I am not sure where to start... but I have to get my courage up and address this... I am not stupid... relationships change... the new and the old. I am not naive enough to think that my new relationship will be perfect and the end all be all... it will change over time too.. I guess that is why Poly is so attractive to me. I can love, that love can change, and we/I can change with it... If only it were that easy. Thank you for the responses and support.

dingedheart 12-28-2011 04:24 AM

So over the past year how has this been framed...for the spouses. Fuck buddies, friends w/bens, playmates?

Is there resistance from the partners to this new dynamic?

How old are your children?

Carma 12-28-2011 04:51 AM

Are you Okay with the idea of your husband finding someone too? And are there any unresolved issues in your marriage you aren't dealing with? There were in mine. At first poly distracted us from them. But the problems then began to fester as we focused on sex and romance and the unconventional love style of polyamory. I'm certainly not trying to be a downer. There are success stories here. Things work when everyone is honest and upfront. It sounds like you have some good communication going and everyone is clear on things. That's a great foundation. I wish you the best on your journey of loving more! The compersion I experienced in poly was an incredible miracle of the deepest love I've ever felt. Kudos to you for looking for creative ways to live and love!

NovemberRain 12-28-2011 08:55 AM

I'm discovering how amazing it is that being newly in love with my previous boyfriend is helping me to love current boyfriend even more. It helps me a lot that they love each other. But the NRE is huge too, so I could be wearing rose-colored glasses. For me, it feels like I have so much more to give than either of them can take; so with two, I get to give more. AND, I have a better shot at getting some returned.

bridget11 12-28-2011 06:13 PM

At the start, it was framed as a D/s relationship... but soon after we realized it was much more... we started to explain it as a signigicant emotional connection or being in love... That it was deep and meaningful. It was never FB's. The kids are between 7 and 11, there are 4 kids total. We do not act on our feelings with them around... we present it as we are all friends... and truely, we do enjoy each other's company. Our spouses, both have expressed feelings of not being able to meet our needs... and wonder why we need to have them met by someone else. But they do meet our needs... and my lover and I meet each other's needs in a different way...

bridget11 12-28-2011 06:16 PM

I am Ok with him finding someone else too... In fact, I sort of hope that he does so that he can identify with what I am experiencing. We have always had a great marriage... we have always been great friends and enjoy spending time together. This is the first big issue that we have ever had in our relationship... we have had the usual BS like dealing with housework and doing for the kids... but nothing that big. And, I was not seeking another relationship... .it just came to be...

All times are GMT. The time now is 02:22 AM.