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-   -   working it out? and needing a witness (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1938)

spectaculove 01-10-2010 02:14 AM

working it out? and needing a witness
 
Hi. I'm hoping for advice, inspiration or just to be heard and understood.

I'm very new to the idea of polyamoury, and indeed even to monogamous relationships. Since the spring I have been blessed to grow and share life with an amazing partner, my first. We moved to the city for winter and grew a little stagnant; we talked about giving eachother more space for clarity. We always knew that, should some important connection with another person come up, we would discuss it first and then let our hearts lead the way.

Then, very suddenly, my partner and a mutual friend discovered a deeper connection and shared very intimate space...They told me almost immediately, giving themselves a day to deal with their fears. The problem was that the night before they slept together they kissed, but they didnt contact me then....

Since that time my partner and I have been more connected, invigorated and passionate than ever. He is still very in love with me, and my core feeling has been that it is silly for me to deny my love for him. We tried to take space from eachother out of town and ended up spending all that time together.

My partner is a wonderful creature who has alot to offer everyone he comes across. He is undergoing huge personal growth right now and I fully support his journeys. I want him to be able to spread his wings and go where his heart desires. He feels he needs to explore and understand many different types of connections that he often holds back on. I understand this. I also understand how appealing he is to so many women, and men, we meet. I had always know this, but it hadn't become a problem.

That being said, it is extremely difficult for me to be making this transition, if that is what we are doing, into an open relationship. He is confused too- he sees my pain and wonders if it is the best thing for us to continue.
We are taking this all bit by bit, understanding more as time goes on. I feel that this challenge, a beautiful lesson in itself, could further strengthen us should we continue our journey 'together'.
I don't want to be attatched to him, to hold him back. I dont want to keep myself in a situation that i may not be up for, one that causes so much pain for me.
The three of us all talked the day he told me, and I hugged her and eased her fears. But since that day, I have been very angry with her. I have released this so many times, but it comes creeping back in different forms. I feel betrayed and repulsed by my sister, who told me only days before sleeping with my partner that she was in love with someone else, after i shared with her a deep secret of a new joy i had found with my partner. I know she has her own personal issues with confusion in love right now. She is also experienced in polyamoury. But I wonder what this girl thought of me when she asked to kiss my partner. My partner is curious of their connection, but also of others he comes across. I have had much guilt over my anger with this girl, and the fact that i have lost respect for her. I am slowly releasing that as well.

I'm not sure if I can handle an open relationship with my love, but I dont want to turn my back on love either. What if by continuing I somehow dishonour myself?! But this is not how my core feels about it... I don't have a one question, I only want to share with people who have wisdom of these things and hopefully gain insight and therefore peace. Thanks for reading all these words.
Bless

StitchwitchD 01-10-2010 03:28 AM

So, it upsets you that she was in love with someone else? Can you explain why? Would it be easier for you if she was in love with him, or only in love with him? Or would that make things worse?

As for honor/dishonor....I see that in terms of whether you are treating other people as you'd want them to treat you, and showing care in how your actions will affect others. So, taking the nuclear option and demanding a return to monogamy would be dishonorable, IMO.

Ceoli 01-10-2010 04:10 AM

It certainly seems that you've been blindsided by this whole thing and are doing what you can to make sense of it as you're going through it. Lots of people spend time making sense of it before they go through with being open. Either way, bravo to you for remaining insightful.

I also love how you're taking responsibility for the hard feelings arising as yours to deal with. That's just fantastic. That's not to say that there aren't legitimate things to be angry at, but owning your emotions definitely makes it easier to tell the difference.

Good luck in your crazy roller coaster ride, and hope you do find some bits to enjoy!

GroundedSpirit 01-10-2010 04:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by spectaculove (Post 19362)
Since that time my partner and I have been more connected, invigorated and passionate than ever. He is still very in love with me, and my core feeling has been that it is silly for me to deny my love for him. We tried to take space from eachother out of town and ended up spending all that time together.

Hello Spec,

What you mention above seems pretty common between two (or more) people who really love each other and it seems this is one of the dreams and hopes associated with polyamory. Because when you think about it - this really IS a 'shared' journey and there's nothing that binds us to others like sharing special times - be they all glittery and warm or painful. It's something we go through TOGETHER. So happy for you guys !

Quote:

Originally Posted by spectaculove;
I dont want to keep myself in a situation that i may not be up for, one that causes so much pain for me.............

But since that day, I have been very angry with her. I have released this so many times, but it comes creeping back in different forms. I feel betrayed and repulsed by my sister, who told me only days before sleeping with my partner that she was in love with someone else, after i shared with her a deep secret of a new joy i had found with my partner. I know she has her own personal issues with confusion in love right now. She is also experienced in polyamoury. But I wonder what this girl thought of me when she asked to kiss my partner.

Change is usually painful for us humans. There's something built into us that likes to have everything all nice & predictable (more in some areas than others - such as this). It's a fear thing. But as we recognize more and more that the fear was largely unfounded, the pain goes away. This isn't unique to polyamory - we deal with it all the time in other areas as we stretch ourselves. Maybe you should think back to some times in your own life where you've had to struggle through something - only to finally conquer it.

And, IF I'm reading your writing correctly, there's a bit of sensitivity to the "timing" thing. The fact that something went down without prior notice or discussion. In case I'm right - it's something I've heard others voice concern over too. Here's my thoughts on that....

One we decide between us that we are going to open our lives to others and acknowledge the fact right up front that is has to be open & with honesty to work, this sometimes get's interpreted as some for of "pre-authorization". Now, there's a couple of concerns I have with that and some of it depends on people's lifestyles such as travel and work/social engagements etc. There's a certain element of "control" in there if you don't keep things in realistic perspective. I hope that makes sense ?
In this lovestyle, "control" can be a limiting condition and add complications and power struggles where there shouldn't be any ! What I'm trying to say I guess, is that in an ideal world, we'd probably like to have the opportunity to "discuss" potential new connections in advance, maybe all meet together, get some form of consensus etc. In reality, for some that's not ALWAYS practical, and for some it totally removes the possibility for spontaneity and I'm sure many will agree that spontaneous connections can end up being some of the most beautiful ones.

So anyway, good luck to you ! You seem to have a wonderful thing started and the right attitude.

Thanks for sharing.

GS

spectaculove 01-24-2010 10:54 PM

Thank you all so much for your support, challenges and insights. I feel like posting a little update.

I spoke to the friend involved a week ago and we cleared the air; she admitted to me that she was not acting in her highest integrity, which was more than i expected or needed to hear but really helped me let go of the fact that they didnt communicate with me until afterwards. I feel incredibly free after releasing all that frustration and jealousy - Real Ease. It is good to have my sister back, for the most part.

Most exciting, I have shared a wonderful connection with a close mutual friend of my partner and I, who is an open and loving creature who has been honest with the both of us about his attraction to us. Even my partner, not used to exploring with other males, is very curious about this connection, although he is currently struggling with jealousy (it didnt really occur to him until recently that i might actually start playing with other people). The last few days this friend and I have taken new steps in our appreciation of eachother, and I am opening myself to the world with a billion new possibilities and discovering more about myself. Sexual and romantic play is very new to me other than with my partner, so this has been challenging and enlightening. Our time together is very grounding and incredibly aware, which is in great contrast to my current relationship with my partner, even though we love eachother more and more each time we meet now.

I am practicing unconditional love towards everyone I come across, and the more I do this the more the universe gifts me incredible bounties....

I'm so grateful for the support of you lovelies in this forum. It's quite an interesting journey I'm embarking on, and I'm incredibly excited!!! Blessings


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