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-   -   DrunkenPorcupine: Reflections and Stuph (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1926)

DrunkenPorcupine 01-08-2010 08:07 AM

DrunkenPorcupine: Reflections and Stuph
 
Okay, I'm not sure where I am going to take this, so please consider every post of mine on this forum to be a "work in progress" until I respond later and ammend it.

I do hope to ammend it, rather than correct it. My journey, my relationships and the people I'm in love with aren't correctable, just evolving. So I hope my reflections in this thread will help me and them and all of you voyeuristic readers grow and evolve. :)

Tonight, I want to talk about "crushes" and being male and falling in love and communication. Whoa... Way too diverse. So let me give an example. :)

Several months back, my wife of 6 years and I had an "odd spell". Someone in my political community had flown out from California to New Hampshire to consider her move her permanently (please see http://www.freestateproject.org/ if you're not familiar with why this would happen or would matter to me; it's discussed on a few threads here).

She stayed in a house rented by several (4-10) friends of mine.

I'm completely enthralled by movers here to New Hampshire, and I seem to have hit it off with her pretty well. As drinking and smoking and enjoying each other's company sometimes entails, I spent a lot of time with this lady over these next few days. One of the nights, I spent the evening at her serogate place, sleeping next to her on the couch.

Perhaps a day later, this lady and I and my wife and about 10 other political allies went to a cuddle party. I drank a bit and apparently doted on this lady more than I realized I did. I won't toss her business out there, or the business of anybody else, but one of my (now) friends asked me "It's really tough, isn't it?" and I answered pretty affermatively "I just want her to be happy" which my friend replied "Sounds like a load of bullshit to me!"

This friend saw my affection towards my visiting lady friend and called me on it.

A few days later, the visit ended and I drove my friend to the airport. We got there late and I was very sad as she went through the TSA checkpoint late. I never got to hug her goodbye, with all of the fussing. I spent an hour at the airport, checking the Departures screen every few minutes until her flight left. Once the flight vanished from the screen, I went over to the airport clerk and asked if my friend had gotten on her flight on time, and he assured me she had.

I didn't realize then that I'd doted on this... Why should I be so afraid? I wasn't hoping she was delayed and had a chance to stay longer... was I?

I drove home that night and had a chat with my wife. It was the non-monogamy chat. Not unpleasant, but a little weird. I'll say this... I've spent the past 6 years with my wife, and we've been through some ROUGH stuff together. We even met and intellectually debated monogamy and non-monogamy before. Our marriage (not our commitment to each other, but our MARRIAGE) was a legal formality. I was WELL prepared to eventually have the "practical non-monogamy" talk, but it was still weird as hell.

I spent a ton of time with this lady that I was realizing I was crushing on. Did my wife resent me? Did she think I fucked this lady? Was she waiting for me to mess up to tell me she'd been doing guys left and right? The logical mind prepares for all of these, and defends against it. The emotional mind curls up into a little tight ball and murmurs it's own name.

Fellow men, women, mono and poly friends... I promise you, as scary as this is, if you have these feelings you're in GOOD shape unless you subsequently are handed divorce papers and see the barrel of a .45 leveled at you. I PROMISE you this.

I won't detail the specifics between then and now, since EVERY post I've made between my introduction and this one has touched on it.

My wife had spent a night away from me... the first night EVER since we've become non-mono (I consider myself poly... she might be poly at some point, but so far it's "just sex" for her. Our relationships is open, but we're not both poly as I define them.) and it scared me. I know of two of her partners and nothing this night seemed to make sense. Her "sex kit" was still here, I hadn't recieved a note telling me where she was and she was driving an unfamiliar vehicle. All kinds of thoughts went through my head between "she died" and "she's at her partner's place having fun". (I should note.. I lost my phone... this is a lack of communication but not a lack of trust and responsibility between us...)

This morning, she was safe and such, and told me where she was and told me about how she tried to tell me where she was. She'd spent the night cuddling with one of her partners (that I knew about) and left a voicemail message on my cell phone... Anyway...

I was filled with weird emotions, so I chatted with my friend (the lady from California) about it all. This isn't the first time I'd chatted with her, but my state of mind this evening made it weird. I told her how much she means to me and that I'm attracted to her. I've said this before, but there's a level of honesty now about where our relationship is and where it might go now. My lady friend isn't interested in me sexually, at least, she conveys that she is not. Yet I'm still totally in love with her and that's all okay. I can love her without having sex with her.

And I can chat with my wife about what I feel about her. And I'm amazed.

I asked my wife what she feels about this lady and she responded with answers that blew my mind. So many facets that she analyzed and measured that I'd not really reflected on. I don't think I've EVER felt this close to my wife, and at the same time, I don't think I've ever felt this close to someone I've had a "crush" on before.

Because I've "explored poly" I've had the chance to know my wife better. She's exploring herself sexually in ways that I've not been able to go with her on. And I'm finding myself in a relationship that constantly challenges my notions, myself, my fears and strengths and I feel no fear. I can share whatever I want with both of them, and I'm moved every few seconds by how amazing this is.

This is polyamory. I love multiple people, and am loved in turn by multiple people. Nobody is loved "more" and nobody "less" but each loved differently. Polyamory isn't fucking, it isn't sex. It isn't living quarters and finances.

Polyamory is love. Polyamory is no longer feeling fear in my relationships. Sure, we might disagree now and then and we will, as amazing unique people, but I think my biggest hurdle is past with them now. I love them, and they know it. They're not afraid of me on a pure, deep level. By extensions, they're not afraid of who I love, not afraid of each other. My world is finally coming full circle. :)

GroundedSpirit 01-08-2010 04:07 PM

Hi Porcupine,

That's a heartwarming story ! So happy for you all.

Quote:<I don't think I've EVER felt this close to my wife, and at the same time, I don't think I've ever felt this close to someone I've had a "crush" on before.>

Isn't this amazing. It's really kind of difficult to express this in any way that someone who hasn't experienced it can relate to. Because I/we have it sends shivers. But at least it can be laid out there as a potential for all to experience.

GS

rolypoly 01-08-2010 07:46 PM

Quote:

The emotional mind curls up into a little tight ball and murmurs its own name.
This needs to be in a song. ;)

redpepper 01-08-2010 10:37 PM

I'm so glad that you have found the meaning in your own poly experience. So heart warming, I'm so glad for you.

DrunkenPorcupine 01-10-2010 07:47 AM

Quote:

This is polyamory. I love multiple people, and am loved in turn by multiple people. Nobody is loved "more" and nobody "less" but each loved differently. Polyamory isn't fucking, it isn't sex. It isn't living quarters and finances.

Polyamory is love. Polyamory is no longer feeling fear in my relationships. Sure, we might disagree now and then and we will, as amazing unique people, but I think my biggest hurdle is past with them now. I love them, and they know it. They're not afraid of me on a pure, deep level. By extensions, they're not afraid of who I love, not afraid of each other. My world is finally coming full circle.
Someone sent me a message to express concern over the phrasing I used here. What I was trying to convey wasn't a definition of polyamory. I don't mean to define what poly is to others. I think what I meant and was feeling most when I wrote that line wasn't more about polyamory as a concept but about actually feeling loved in multiple ways from multiple directions. It was intended to be an affirmation of that feeling, not a definition about all of polyamory.

Thanks for helping me clarify. :)

CielDuMatin 01-10-2010 02:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DrunkenPorcupine (Post 19382)
Someone sent me a message to express concern over the phrasing I used here. What I was trying to convey wasn't a definition of polyamory.

When I read it I very much saw it as "your poly" and what you wanted for you - I never once thought that you might be trying to define it for others. :)

crisare 01-10-2010 06:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DrunkenPorcupine (Post 19133)
This is polyamory. I love multiple people, and am loved in turn by multiple people. Nobody is loved "more" and nobody "less" but each loved differently. Polyamory isn't fucking, it isn't sex. It isn't living quarters and finances.

Polyamory is love. Polyamory is no longer feeling fear in my relationships. Sure, we might disagree now and then and we will, as amazing unique people, but I think my biggest hurdle is past with them now. I love them, and they know it. They're not afraid of me on a pure, deep level. By extensions, they're not afraid of who I love, not afraid of each other. My world is finally coming full circle. :)

Aweseome, awesome post. Makes me smile. I know we've discussed a few things in PM as well and I'm happy to see that you're finding a balance and a poly life that is working and making you happy.

And FTR, I don't see this as "defining" anything either. Just as a sort of lightbulb understanding of what poly is in your life and how it makes you feel. I think it's wonderful.

Catfish 01-10-2010 07:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rolypoly (Post 19181)
This needs to be in a song. ;)

on it.

Great post!

DrunkenPorcupine 01-10-2010 08:35 PM

Quote:

I never once thought that you might be trying to define it for others.
Quote:

And FTR, I don't see this as "defining" anything either. Just as a sort of lightbulb understanding of what poly is in your life and how it makes you feel.
Oh, I love that, the "Lightbulb Moment"! Yes, that was what I meant. :)

The person who expressed this concern wasn't calling me out, it was a real concern. She wanted to make sure that I was explaining and conveying what I meant because it could be read different ways. It wasn't someone being all hypersensitive about labels and such. It WAS motivated out of concern, not correction, and I appreciate it.

DrunkenPorcupine 02-07-2010 08:47 PM

I'm in "mindfuck" territory right now.

Someone I've been seeing for a little while and getting very intimate with (emotionally, not sexually) told me last night that she's developing feelings for (and sexual attraction towards) me. I've certainly got feelings for her, but the biggest one is a respect for her values and boundaries.

You see... she's mono-identifying and married. I'm friends with her husband as well.

So, amidst the absolute amazingness of being validated as a desired partner, the fear that I'll be "her mistake", my genuine desire to see her happy, the sexual tension between us and all of that, I'm feeling quite dizzy.

Luckily, we're both very mature people. She has some things on her mind and heart that she wants to deal with between her husband and herself and she's willing to seize that opportunity. This morning, she started opening the dialogue with him about what she's feeling towards him, towards herself and towards their relationship.

I don't know where that will lead to. I suspect a few realistic possibilities and more than anything, I hope she starts feeling resolution and movement soon.

I'm also a bit terrified that the amazing time we've been sharing will be something that she feels, ultimately, she needs to cut out. The downside to loving many people is that there's more opportunity for being hurt.

I'm sure at this point I'm rambling but can ya blame me? ;)


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