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-   -   New Boyfriend...Fizzled out? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=19232)

nixndrew 12-23-2011 04:43 AM

New Boyfriend...Fizzled out?
 
Hey all! New to poly. Been married 5 years. Just started dating a guy 6 weeks ago. Here's the deal...

It's been nothing but roller coaster emotions with the new boyfriend. There was an immediate sexual spark. There was a brief infatuation period. Then there was the "OMG I'm in love" period. Now there's the "walls are up and maybe I need my space period." And this week? The sex tanked. Now I'm not sure if I love him at all...much less want to see him anymore if the sex stays where it's at. I'm a very sexual person and if the sex isn't great...then I move on. But I love chatting with him...and snuggling...and watching movies...and spending time with him. I'm just afraid that our spark is gone. For him, the spark is still there and he's head over heels in love with me. Am I wrong to say there HAS to be a sexual spark?

Husband is really cool about everything. He's glad to see me happy. So no issues on that front.

But my question is...how long do I give my relationship with my boyfriend a chance before axing it? Is this just a normal roller coaster of emotions for someone in a relationship with 2 guys and perhaps some expectations on the sexual front?

MonoVCPHG 12-23-2011 08:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nixndrew (Post 117066)
Am I wrong to say there HAS to be a sexual spark?

Husband is really cool about everything. He's glad to see me happy. So no issues on that front.

But my question is...how long do I give my relationship with my boyfriend a chance before axing it? Is this just a normal roller coaster of emotions for someone in a relationship with 2 guys and perhaps some expectations on the sexual front?

Do you still have that spark for your husband?

nixndrew 12-23-2011 08:55 AM

Yes, I do still have that spark with the hubby. But it's different. It comes and goes....it's more of a deep love and friendship than an intense sexual chemistry. If that makes sense.

kamala 12-23-2011 06:36 PM

Whoa, 6 weeks? :) Maybe you are still just getting used to each other.

It took 6 MONTHS for me and my boyfriend to sync sexually with each other, and I hate to think that we would not have been together if we decided to just call it quits after a few unsuccessful... attempts.

But you're right, chemistry is important. Just let it evolve as it will, you don't have to stress this early on :)

OpenandCountry 12-23-2011 06:45 PM

I agree with kamala, just give it a little time before calling it off. Who knows? If the spark really is gone you could just be friends. How did you meet? (i.e., were you friends first, do you have mutual friends, etc?)

nixndrew 12-23-2011 08:15 PM

I just wasn't sure if that was a clear sign that it's not going to work. I'm not a very patient person :) And I've been out of this dating game since high school. It's exciting and scary.

Thanks for the advice Kamala. I'll give it some time. How often do you see your boyfriend?

And yes, OpenandCountry, we would make great friends, so I'll hang in there a little bit. We met through a mutual friend....who introduced me to him for poker nights. It QUICKLY evolved from there :D As cheesy as it sounds, I had an intense connection from the first time I locked eyes with him.

redpepper 12-24-2011 01:36 AM

I think if I were in your position I would say my good byes. Why waste time with someone that you seem pretty clear is not going to be someone you want to be with for the long haul. If the sex was great then yay, tell them that and add that you just aren't into it any more. If you like to sit and cuddle and watch movies now and he does too then yay, but I think I would be honest and say that you don't consider him a bf any more but a friend. Maybe he will be cool with that, maybe not, but at least you can do him the honour of deciding for him self. I know I would feel very disrespected if I knew someone was hanging out with me and fucking me out of a sense of obligation. No thanks. I'd rather they be honest and then we can go from there.

Next time I think I would remind myself to let any new sex partners know that I am fickle when it comes to sex sometimes and that it might be better to wait to commit to the bf/gf thing until the sexual NRE wears off. I think I would assume each time that its just exciting to fuck someone new and be honest about that with them. That way they are dually warned and if it goes somewhere more then great and if it doesn't then at least you have warned them. Maybe not warned them so much as been honest about the way things work for you.

nycindie 12-24-2011 01:51 AM

I really don't think it's that big a deal in such a short span of time as six weeks to experience a few sexual liaisons that don't seem as great in comparison to previous times. I mean, really, six weeks is nothing. Now, if the sex is mostly bad over a long term, like several months, that would be something to indicate it's going nowhere. But at this early stage, it's no big whoop. Everyone has an off night, and people don't always connect the same way every single time they get together. It sounds like you two have lots of other cool and positive things going for you, so I wouldn't write him off yet if I were you.

nixndrew 12-24-2011 02:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 117123)
Everyone has an off night, and people don't always connect the same way every single time they get together. It sounds like you two have lots of other cool and positive things going for you, so I wouldn't write him off yet if I were you.

Great point. We were both having off nights this week anyways. So I'll pick it back up again next week and see how we feel. Good advice. Thanks nycindie.

nixndrew 12-24-2011 02:53 AM

Update: we talked it out and he actually felt a little off too. I like him so much (and I'm really scared that I love him) and I freaked out. Gosh, this is such new territory. Sigh.


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