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confused1and2 12-23-2011 12:52 AM

new and confused

I want to start off by saying I'm extremely new to this type of situation and have no real prior knowledge of the polyamory view. I am married and have been with my wife for 15 years. We recently had an encounter with a very close friend of both of ours that I have known for as long as my wife and she even longer. My wife and I had previously talked about this possibility and both of us have had pretty deep feelings for this woman for quite some time. The two of them have often pretended to be a couple in public, she has often slept with us and has been very affectionate with both of us but nothing serious has ever happened. Recently that changed and we have had several encounters which have been amazing. Now I'm extremely confused and I believe the other two involved as well. I've never even kissed another woman since I've been with my wife 15 years ago. Now I feel my feelings for this other woman growing and even feel myself falling in love. I've expressed these feelings to my wife and she is okay with this and I don't feel it has changed how I feel for her, quite the opposite. I've also told the other woman for the most part how I feel but I think she is holding back on her feelings and I'm not sure if we can get past this. I think she is scared of the situation since it's not “normal” and what most people would expect. I definitely didn't expect to fall in love with anyone else but now that I have opened up I am scared to let it go. At this point she is somewhat pushing away physically but still talks to us daily and hangs out. I don't want to loose our friendship but I also can't stand the idea of not finding out what this could be if it was more. At this point I think she is pretty clear on what we would like from the situation but I feel she has been pretty closed to talking about the situation. I feel she is scared that if she really opens up that one of us may get hurt and also scared of coming between my wife and I. How do we proceed with this, do we just give her space and let her decide if she wants something more all on her own? Has anyone else had a similar situation of such close friends work into something more like this? Again I don't want anything to come between our friendship with this woman but I'm also not sure how to just bottle up these feelings and now just be friends. Thanks for reading my rant, really just needed a place to get this all out, and any advice is appreciated.

BigGuy 12-23-2011 03:32 AM

Really, unless she tells you what she is thinking, you really don't know. If you've asked her what she's thinking and she doesn't want to tell you, then you're kind of out of luck.

From what I understand, you've gone from friends to FWB. She was ok, until you expressed deeper feelings. Not all FWBs want to take the relationship to a deeper level, mono or poly.

I'd say, slow it down. Let things progress at a pace she's comfortable with. Try to get her to open up, but don't press the issue.

You may end up with unrequited love, which sucks. But she's not leaving the relationship altogether, which is a good sign.

confused1and2 12-23-2011 04:19 PM

Thanks for the response BigGuy I appreciate it. Think you are right in that we should slow down and not press the issue. Sometimes I really believe she has deeper feelings by her actions and little things she says but I continue to feel that she is holding back. Guess I will have to let time decide what's best, either way I want her to be a part of our lives forever and she has expressed the same in that regards. Not sure if maybe I'm just being selfish for wanting more in the first place, she's been such a huge part of our lives already, but now its just hard to hide the deeper feelings.

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