Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   not quite new, but finally having to deal (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=19182)

laz0rama 12-22-2011 07:44 PM

not quite new, but finally having to deal
 
hi all,

i am not new to polyamory, at least in theory. i have done much reading and discussing of it, mostly many years ago. i am 51 years old.

10 years ago, i got into an extremely intense and incredible relationship with a poly woman. i should mention that before that i had only been in monogamous relationships. we are still hanging out, as involved and in love as ever. thing is, neither of us has, in the entire 10 years we've been together, actually met anyone we really wanted to get involved with. and so in practice, our relationship has been open but not actively poly.

well, someone we recently met turns out to be someone she thinks she wants to get involved with. i know the guy is interested in her, and knows about our relationship and that we are not monogamous, and he is being completely respectful.

the problem is, this situation has awakened in me the most intense feelings of fear, paranoia, abandonment, mistrust, etc. it has spun me into an intense depression, and i am actually having trouble functioning.

the easy answer might be that i am simply not capable of being in a non-monogamous relationship. but i am not going to go there too quickly. i am trying so hard to delve into where these feelings are coming from, so far completely unsuccessfully. i am an anarchist, as is she, and so each of us remaining as free as possible (in this fucked up world) is very important to us. i am not free, but in this context my prison is the cop in my head that have yet to fully identify. i am trying so hard.

i have no money for a therapist, and so i am somewhat blindly seeking support from any sources i can find that are not confined to traditional views on relationships.

if anyone here is, or can suggest someone that is, in the taos, new mexico area and open to talking with me about this, i would love to maybe get together for coffee or something.

thanks in advance. and any comments or suggestions here would be welcome as well.

-laz

Sonic 12-23-2011 09:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by laz0rama (Post 116979)

the easy answer might be that i am simply not capable of being in a non-monogamous relationship. but i am not going to go there too quickly. i am trying so hard to delve into where these feelings are coming from, so far completely unsuccessfully. i am an anarchist, as is she, and so each of us remaining as free as possible (in this fucked up world) is very important to us. i am not free, but in this context my prison is the cop in my head that have yet to fully identify. i am trying so hard.

i have no money for a therapist, and so i am somewhat blindly seeking support from any sources i can find that are not confined to traditional views on relationships.

Welcome :)

I feel for you. Mostly because I'm in a similar situation, though my partner is the one struggling and I'm the one who wants to get involved with someone.

And even though we've been talking about it a lot, and even though in a political level he feels it is right to let someone be free, it still hurts like hell when it's the real deal.

So I would suggest that you take things very slowly. In baby steps, and maybe negotiate on a timeline that you could follow (if that doesn't feel too much of a pressure to you). Like for instance you try to reinforce your relationship and mutual trust for 1, 2 or 6 months before your partner tries to engage in a relationship? So you would have a bit of a time to cool off, but then your partner would know that you are willing to make polyamory work.

Because if you are willing, you have to let her know that it is truly what you want, even despite the bad feelings. She must be struggling with this as well.

Maybe this check-up list would help? http://sexgeek.wordpress.com/2007/06...relationships/

I wish you all the best :)

Phy 12-23-2011 09:29 AM

Hello and welcome.

Some questions first: How long into this new situation have you been up to now? How fast is their relationship developing from your point of view? What triggered your intense responses? Situations, words, actions, ... ?

I was having some really tough months when we needed to sort out all that was required for a actual start into polyamory. It always takes time to adjust, even if you covered the basics theoretically. It mostly feels quite different when you get to the point practically.

redpepper 12-24-2011 01:10 AM

Well, we are never entirely free are we ;) I try and think of it as that I am committed to certain things, people, places, whatever and not see it as lack of freedom... but that is another story. Still, it has helped me with my jealousy. My investments are huge when it comes to people, I have expectations of them and myself and assume much... its only human after all. I need them. Bottom line. I spent years denying that and just as many trying not to but truth is that when other people come into their lives that they obviously love as much or more than me that is very threatening to my inner self. Sure, I can rationalize it to death in terms of theory, but the fact is, its a human thing to feel threatened in this way.

If I were in this situation I would be getting to know my new metamour, deciding if they are someone I can find a way to bond with and if not accepting that I might not and finding peace with that. Knowing my metamours has helped me walk through the jealous/envy feeling the most.

I also do my best to entertain myself and do all the things I don't get to do because my time is taken up by my partner. I do a LOT of self care, self reflection and work on self love. Sometimes that means going to visit old friends or spending time with friends that love and cherish me the most.

The other thing I do is make sure I am on top of communicating every little thing that comes into my head. Even if its to say, "yup, still in this feeling" to my partner. I make sure they know every little thing that could help me feel reassured, right down to the words I need to here. I don't leave them assuming or expecting anything and don't assume and expect anything in return. EVERYTHING must be out in the open in order to have conversations about how to move forwards.

Then its about waiting.... sometimes for a long time. This feeling you have will dissipate and it will get easier. It will likely happen faster if you put all the hard work into it you can. Things will come up that you hadn't expected, deal with it, get through it, don't leave any stone unturned, because in my experience, those stones can be thrown in moments where there is the realization that hiding from such things is just not going to work. Even the smallest thoughts come back to haunt.

You might want to write in the meetings and events section about finding community in your area. Maybe you should start a group that meets to talk about poly and relationship dynamics. That is how I found my closest friends and found a huge support network. So worth the effort! :)

Good luck!

laz0rama 12-28-2011 06:53 PM

thanks!
 
thanks all for your thoughts on this, and keep em coming. i only have a moment online, so i'll just say i appreciate the feedback. will post an update soon.


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:53 AM.