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ms74 12-22-2011 06:16 PM

New to Polyamory
This is all new to me and I want some advice. I am a lesbian, my girlfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years, in the beginning she told me she has been in many open relationships. At the time I didnt think of it because she didnt have anyone in mind and to be honest all I wanted was her. Since then she has met someone and at first we did a 3way relationship but I have since broken up with the other person and she has stayed with him. I am having a difficult time with this with my jealousy and insecurities. How can I make this work with my girlfriend? I dont know if I am okay with her relationship but then again I dont want to lose her. Plus since she told me in the beginning about her open relationships I feel I dont have the right to make her choose.

Not all of her past relationships have been a open relationship so I wonder what is it about me that she needs someone else in her life. I know she loves me and I am her number one in this relationship, thats how she explained to me. I am lost, confused, and hope someone can help me with all this. Thanks

BigGuy 12-22-2011 07:32 PM

I suggest you do a tag search "new to polyamory" or "new to poly", or if you think you're monogamous, you can also search "mono/poly"

Do an online search for "polyamory jealousy". There are lots of good articles out there.

And.... welcome.

Don't forget to breath. Your feelings are normal and understandable.

bulrush 12-23-2011 12:37 AM


Not all of her past relationships have been a open relationship so I wonder what is it about me that she needs someone else in her life.
I'm in an open relationship not because there is anything wrong with my gf, but because I like variety and adventure. My gf satisfies me many ways: emotionally, intellectually, and sexually. There is nothing I would change about her.

Your gf may feel the same way. Why not ask her what attracts her to another person? Do not assume you have a problem. Some people simply crave variety. Everyone has something special about them, but every person is special in a different way. Me and my gf appreciate each person's "specialness" as something only they can bring.

RfromRMC 12-23-2011 12:44 AM

It's not about you. She met someone and felt something for him. Didn't mean she loves you any less. Love doesn't have a limited amount for a person to give.
And you are right...she did tell you that open relationships were her thing from the get-go. That's a big piece of info you shouldn't have ignored.

As for jealousy, well, another way to spell jealousy is F E A R. You've got to learn to trust her that when she says she loves you, and that you're her primary partner, she means it.

redpepper 12-24-2011 12:43 AM

Hi there, I'm sorry you are struggling. At least you are in good company. Many people come here with the same concerns in the same situation.

I suggest that you make sure she knows that you need TONS of support to get through this and that it is of the utmost importance that she do her best to stick to her agreements and attend herself to as many of your boundaries as she can. If there are any that are a real concern for her than do your best to adjust to that and find a compromise until such time as it doesn't matter any more or it needs to change again.

The best thing I can think of is to be as honest and forthright with your communication as you possibly can. Ask for their patience, love, support, listening ear and consideration at ever turn. It is okay that you struggle and the more that they attend to your need for reassurance the quicker you will be able to trust and get through these feelings.

You won't be able to, I don't think, unless you are communicating and continuing to ask for your needs to be met. They should be doing the same thing in order for this to work. I know that is hard, but completely necessary. You aren't being selfish by doing this, you are giving them the gift of being able to understand and support you. I'm sure you would do the same no?

I also suggest going about doing what YOU want to do in life. Get going on a project that you love that is for you, find some new friends, go out to poly community events in your area and continue to work on your own stuff. There is nothing like feeling good about your self to get through the kind of feelings you describe in my experience.

ms74 12-26-2011 03:53 AM

Thank you everyone for their advice. BigGuy I will check out those articles. Redpepper I will definetly try to follow your advice with communication and asking for my need to be met. That will be the hardest. My gf does think our relationship has gotten better since she started dating the other person, so thats good.

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