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-   -   A secondary's bill of rights (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1915)

Ceoli 01-07-2010 02:07 AM

A secondary's bill of rights
 
For people who practice heirarchical relationships or find themselves in one, whether they are the primary or the secondary, this is a very good read.

(and this is nothing against hierarchical relationships, just relationships that may not be healthy for all involved)

http://www.xeromag.com/fvsecondary.html#bor

"I have the right to be not just tolerated, but actively wanted by everyone in the primary relationship. I have the right to feel that I am not a problem or a compromise, but that I add value. This may sound unreasonable to some people, but the fact is, if I'm not wanted by my partner's partner, that has an effect on me.

When I am in a relationship with one person, I am in a relationship with all the other people that person is involved with, especially the primary partner(s)--even if there is no romantic connection between us! If I am resented in any way by them, that resentment serves to undermine the secondary relationship and keep it from being 'real'. It creeps into the rules that are created and the definitions that are set in place."

MonoVCPHG 01-07-2010 04:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ceoli (Post 18928)

When I am in a relationship with one person, I am in a relationship with all the other people that person is involved with, especially the primary partner(s)--even if there is no romantic connection between us! If I am resented in any way by them, that resentment serves to undermine the secondary relationship and keep it from being 'real'. "

Great statement...nothing to add.

ourquad 01-07-2010 06:51 AM

Absolutely true. It's something I am having to deal with in some areas.

CielDuMatin 01-07-2010 02:29 PM

Thanks for posting this, Ceoli. I think that when it comes to less-than-healthy poly set-ups, this configuration is the one that is most prone to problems, based on my experiences.

There is some great advice here, and I recommend Franklin's articles to many.

GroundedSpirit 01-07-2010 04:19 PM

Thanks Ceoli,
I think I have seen this, or parts of it before compilation before. Although I haven't time to read it completely yet, I especially like that fact that they took the time to define the term "Right" right from the onset because that's another of those terms that's come to mean many things in different contexts. "Reasonable to expect from all parties." Good.

GS

redpepper 01-09-2010 12:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ceoli (Post 18928)
I have the right to be not just tolerated, but actively wanted by everyone in the primary relationship. I have the right to feel that I am not a problem or a compromise, but that I add value.

Thanks for this Ceoli, I will get back to reading the article later. I am sure it is a good one, Franklin writes some good and valid stuff that a lot of people can identify their own thoughts in. It's great he has a following and people can come together in his thoughts within this community.

Off the top of my head I would add that this above statement is true for any relationship, any configuration and in any circumstance. Even the rights of those of us that chose to engage on this forum have these rights. Mono relationships should practice this, BDSM relationships, the relationship I have with my son and the one I have with my family. Really good food for thought and words to live by as I engage everyone in my life. Thanks again.

LadyMacbeth 01-09-2010 05:08 PM

Thanks for this article! I am forwarding it to by mono boyfriend who is struggling right now...because this article says perfectly what I have been trying to say to him about how I want him to feel in our relationship. My husband and I read this article out loud together yesterday and agreed wholeheartedly with every word, and hope it helps my boyfriend.

Ravenesque 01-11-2010 02:43 AM

I came across this article around this time a year ago. I loved it then and I still do.

~Raven~


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