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-   -   Need some advice.. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=19120)

melblankenship 12-22-2011 08:14 AM

Need some advice..
I had never heard the term polyamory before I met my husband. As soon as I met him and we talked about his past and how he was wired, I immediately began reading everything I could get my hands on. The concepts and things that I read about rang very true for me. We talked about what we wanted and what we were interested in and realized that we both agreed. We were both interested in a triad if we happened to meet a girl that we were both interested in. About a year after we had made this decision we met her. She is witty and sexy and we are both attracted to her and are both falling for her. My problem at this point is two fold (even though they are kind of related). The first issue is that she is newly bisexual and has almost no experience with women. She is very hesitant with me sexually. I realize that this may be that this is just a new thing for her, but it is starting to be really frustrating. I have tried to talk to her about it and she continues to say that she is going to work on it, that she wants to give more, but she just doesn't know how. My issue is that is has now been several months and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. My second issue is partially tied with my first. While I logically have no issues with my husband being with her, (we have some experience swinging and I have never had an issue with him being sexually involved with anyone else), I have had some issues with how sexually compatable they are. My husband thinks it is because I am not being satisfied with her. I am not sure how to describe what I am feeling, I don't think it is jealousy, (even though it may be, I have never really experienced jealousy before). I am curious if anyone else has dealt with any of this. I know I am kind of rambling but I would really appreciate any feed back here!! Thanks!!

melblankenship 12-22-2011 08:19 AM

One more quick thing, I feel like there is a lot of pressure on my husband right now to be the only person who is sexually satisfying me. He is a very giving lover and our girlfriend tends to be kind of selfish in bed, so I feel like he is being put in a really unfair situation.

km34 12-22-2011 05:38 PM

Have you and the gf connected much emotionally? Until recently I always felt rather inexperienced with women. I really wasn't, but because I'd never really had multiple, fulfilling encounters with the same women I didn't feel comfortable initiating or really being that forward about giving. As soon as I got comfortable with my now gf, that all changed. I WANTED to give, I WANTED to initiate, I WANTED to be intimate. I really think the change came when I started to really care about her. Granted, that is my personal history and I am quite sure it is different for everyone, but I really feel like she would be getting more comfortable sexually after a couple of months if she was comfortable with the relationship in general.

Also, what does it mean to be 'newly bisexual'? Does it mean she just realized she was bisexual or she just suddenly started being attracted to girls? Also, did you two meet her TOGETHER or did one of you meet her and then introduce her to your spouse? I guess my concern would be that she might not actually be bisexual but thinks the only way she can stay in this situation is by saying she is. I may be waaaayyyyy off there, though. You may want to back off sexually until you all figure out more definitively where you stand. It seems like everyone is feeling pressured by the sexual relationship (your husband by being the only one to satisfy you, you by having to see how compatible they are AND by not being fulfilled by your relations with her, and her by feeling pressure to be more giving with you). Maybe the emotional/intimate connection needs to be the center of attention for a while.

AnnabelMore 12-22-2011 07:31 PM

Hey there!

It is a very common scenario for newly poly male-female couples to seek a woman who will be into both of them. The problem with seeking a triad in this way is that there is almost always a stronger connection between the new person and one partner or another, and that's where the problems begin. Successful, awesome triads do happen but they tend to happen serendipitously. When you set out with it as a goal, all too often you're trying to fit a relationship into a box that ends up making one or more people involved uncomfortable and feeling like they're not shaping up to the "ideal", or like things are unequal, or like they're moving too slow or too fast. It's hard enough to handle things in a way where two people feel good, when you expand it to three it has to come naturally, if there's any stress it will break apart.

The best advice I can give is this. Let go of your expectations around this woman. Accept what's happening in place of pining after what you envisioned, because it'll never be just like you envisioned, human nature and the nature of intense interpersonal connections are too variable.

It may be that what is developing is more of a "vee", in other words a relationship where two people (you and this new woman) share another person (your husband) with varying degrees of closeness between them (in some vees the "wings" of the vee are extremely close, nearly indistinguishable from a triad except for some differing internal dynamics, in some they're merely cordial).

Or it may be that the relationships here simply need more time to evolve into what they want to be.

Either way, this woman doesn't have an obligation to give you what you want from her sexually in order to "make up" for how compatible she and your husband are. That's a heck of a lot of pressure to layer on top of the sometimes-scary process of figuring out a new aspect of your sexuality. And pressure ain't good for the libido, so in addition to being unfair it's counter-productive.

It seems like the sexual dynamics here are really bugging you, but the thing is you can't force them in any one direction, you can only make sure everyone is being fulfilled within the dynamics as they are. Are you and he still getting ample alone-time together? Would it be easier for you if she and he had sexual alone-time, since their intensity together seems to distress you... that way you wouldn't have to see it? What if you and she had sensual alone-time together, then you could explore your level of intimacy in a way that was just about the two of you, and not about comparing? Poly as a joint venture for couples is great in theory, but dyad dynamics are important to budding relationships and not to be ignored.

redpepper 12-24-2011 12:35 AM

I agree with a lot of what Annabel says and wanted to add that you could have a look at the tags in the search engine to read about other triads that have come along here. Try a tag search for "triads."

It sounds to me like your triad is more about the sex than anything else, although that could be because that is all you have written about. I think that just letting the sex go and creating a vee might help. Find yourself a woman that clicks and let your hubby get on with it and be the hinge to your vee. There is nothing that says this HAS to be this configuration it sounds like you could be close loving friends that share the same man. Start making time separately in the form of date nights that are separate and get yourself out there again before you REALLY feel left out by this obvious (to me) lack of connection. Or worse, before she starts pushing to be something she isn't.

melblankenship 12-24-2011 06:06 AM

The only problem is, my husband is not interested in a v at all. He has been burned really bad in the past and only wants something we can both be involved with together. She and I have a much stronger emotional connection than anything else. I posted on here about one problem, that is all. There is a lot more to the relationship than sex, but it is an important element.

nycindie 12-24-2011 08:13 AM


Originally Posted by melblankenship (Post 117143)
The only problem is, my husband is not interested in a v at all. He has been burned really bad in the past and only wants something we can both be involved with together.

Well, it sounds like your husband has imposed a concept on your relationships, based on his fears. It sucks that he was burned before, but you can't drive a car forward if you're only looking in the rear-view mirror because you're afraid the car behind you will smack your rear bumper. It's inevitable that looking backward will make you crash. When you say you must all always be involved together, do you mean sexually only, or do all activities and emotional investment have to be all three of you all the time? Obviously, that is unrealistic and will likely make things worse.

If your triad is going to survive, you have to nurture all four of the relationships that are part of it: you and him, him and her, her and you, and all three of you together. Each of these relationships will have their own dynamic, and you can only benefit by acknowledging that all of you are three autonomous individuals (NOT a couple plus one) who have differing needs, wants, desires, and rhythms. Each pair should go out on dates and get together for activities that are non-sexual, as well as having private intimate times. And if it turns out that she's not really as compatible with you as she is with him, let their relationship develop and you go date someone else. Your husband's "rule' is unrealistic and is probably contributing more to the problem than either of you realize (it sounds more like a swingers' rule than a poly thing) and should be renegotiated. Also keep in mind that your gf just might be biamorous but not really bisexual.

redpepper 12-24-2011 07:16 PM

Quite often vees are more than just a hinge with two arms. They are an emotional connection between all parties. Mine certainly is anyway. All y relationships in their many configurations are close emotionally. That's the way I like it and what I have always sought. It doesn't mean that everyone is one big pile of sex and partnership. Things happen as they happen and there is no pressure to fit in a box.

I am not suggesting to your husband that you stop all contact with her and that you never enjoy closeness again, I am suggesting that the pressure be taken off that your relationship with her be one of a partnership. Women can be very close friends and that is to your benefit if you share a man. To his benefit also. Metamour love can make or break a relationship dynamic. You have a huge head start. I think its naive to think that anyone can control who is in love with whom and stick to that forever out of fear that it might break it up. I just think that forcing something that might not be comfortable might make your relationship implode rather than strengthen it.

AnnabelMore 12-24-2011 08:45 PM


Originally Posted by melblankenship (Post 117143)
The only problem is, my husband is not interested in a v at all. He has been burned really bad in the past and only wants something we can both be involved with together. She and I have a much stronger emotional connection than anything else. I posted on here about one problem, that is all. There is a lot more to the relationship than sex, but it is an important element.

I can't help but think that It's kind of ironic that your husband insists on you two engaging with others as a unit because he had been burned in the past, when many have been burned by exactly that. Any relationship structure can burn you if it's not right for the unique grouping of people involved, there's no one way of doing things that will save you from that.

As for the slant of our advice, it's hard to give more nuanced comments when you've only given us a very limited slice of the picture. We're responding to what we see, y'know?

It sounds like you guys have a really good thing going. Pressure, rigid expectations, and a predefined "right way" to do things is likely the surest way to ruin it. I base this on my own life, the lives and stories of the people I've known personally, and the many stories that get posted here. If I knew a magical way to make her more sexually open to you I would tell it to you, but I truly believe (and so do the other posters, from what I can tell), that 1) there is no such thing, and 2) the lack thereof is not, in fact, the problem, 3) the only real problem is the idea that she needs to be for this to work.

Maybe your husband could do some reading here and think about opening up the options? It occurs to me that this essay might be of great interest to all three of you: http://www.morethantwo.com/coupledating.html

Best of luck.

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