Lost and Wandering- Don't Know Why!
My nesting partner and I have been together for a year come the new year, 9 months of which time was spent long-distance between KY and OH. We have been nesting for 2 months in AVL NC. While we have termed our relationship "open" since the start, once he moved back to OH from KY and we became long-distance, and realized the nature of our relationship as being primary, we "closed the doors" until we could be in a nesting situation. And here we are, at the daunting beginnings of polyamory.
I have had nightmares over the course of our relationship concerning his ex-partners. When he briefly reconnected with an ex-lover, I dreamed she told me, independent of him, the "inside information" that he was incapable of loving. When I awoke, I was mortified. Having such a vivid dream almost convinced me of its content. But my logic defies these emotion-based beliefs.
I know my partner is honest with me. He has told me truths about his feelings and actions that have hurt me, just to maintain transparency with me. My personal philosophy is that this is the best behavior, the most nonviolent and intimate interaction available. This means that, if he tells me that he loves me, and that I am his nesting partner, and that none of his other interests threaten his love for me, he is being honest with me.
But I keep having these dreams! And emotional reactions to them! I want my emotions to match my sense of logic and my personal philosophies. What can I do? Should I encourage interactions with secondary lovers in order to expose myself to these feelings? Should I simply bide my time, in the hopes that when a secondary interaction arises, I will be ready for it? Or should I take this to mean that what I believed to be my personal philosophies and my own truths are not, and I need to reevaluate who I think I am, and how I believe I love, and my entire life approach!?
My gut reaction is that while logically, you're comfortable with the concept of being in a polyamorous relationship, there is still nagging doubts in the back of your head. Most likely remnants of being conditioned into thinking that this is wrong and that anything other than 100% monogamy is thus him cheating on you and leaving you. It's natural---these are feelings just about anyone will experience as they are first dipping their toes into the non-monogamous waters.
I would say give it some time and ease your way into this. Developing some local poly friends and see how they live their lives in happy polyamorous relationships could certainly be beneficial.
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