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-   -   Not exactly happy (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=19037)

cheryl 12-20-2011 07:17 PM

Not exactly happy
 
I feel stuck and don't know what I want anymore. I'm still living at home because I cant afford a place on my own and child support, and my husband, (who I don't sleep with) would have a hard time making the mortgage payments. Also I hate the idea of not seeing my daughter. I'm still in a vee with my BF and his GF. My BF says he wont tolerate another man in my life - he'll just walk. It's that simple.

On the one hand, the lopsidedness of all of this kind of drives me crazy. I know i would be a lot less jealous if I had someone else too. I'd have someone else to think about, something else to look forward to, someone to make happy when he's with her. On the other hand, I dont know how I would have enough time for another person, and getting into a relationship just to "balance things out" probably isnt a very good idea anyway. It should be because you really like that person. Besides, the average person would think all of this is pretty nuts to begin with, me living at home and having a boyfriend who has a girlfriend.

I still dont know how close is too close. At first I had kind of a morbid curiosity and wanted to hear everything about them -was his relationship with her like ours? Now hearing stuff is wearing me down, and its hard to have a normal conversation. When he calls in the morning he always asks me how my night was, what I did. But I can't really ask him the same thing unless I want to hear that she spent the night, it was great, she had four orgasms, was totally wild in bed. Or there's just this big awkward silence. I almost wish he wouldnt call during the week so I could stop thinking about it.

The other thing I hate is she often says she's breaking up with him, usually before I'm about to visit, and then he's all mad and depressed the whole time I'm there. I'm pretty sick of that.

All of this either makes me jealous, or I just feel like my feelings are slowly fading away to nothing -what does it even matter, anyway.

I would really like to hear from anyone in a vee about how they deal with some of this. Thanks.

SNeacail 12-20-2011 08:02 PM

You would willingly leave your child for this guy? Is he really worth all that? This same man that doesn't want you to have any other men in you life, even your husband, although it's ok for him to have multiple women?

Personally I think you need to take some time to seriously decide what you really want in your life. Are your actions getting you to that place? That you left your husband and child to chase this other guy, then came back because YOU couldn't afford child support is ... (can't even think of the right words here). I feel sorry for your husband and your child.

cheryl 12-20-2011 08:22 PM

I feel sorry for them too, and I have a lot of guilt about my past actions. I left because I couldnt stand the idea of lying and cheating and pretending anymore, and I had never heard about anything like polyamory. I came back because my daughter did not like traveling back and forth. And when I say I couldnt afford it, I dont mean I would have to live without certain luxuries, I mean my wages literally wouldnt cover $700 in rent, $600 in gas, food, etc. and still provide for her. and my husband was struggling too. But the marriage is too far gone to save, so we're basically co-parents. I dont know if he's seeing anyone or not. It's none of my business.

It's hard to live without any close adult bond, though, especially after you've grown very attached to someone. Its pretty hard to just let go and not look back, but I'm getting older anyway, and maybe I should really should keep to myself and consider the romantic phase of my life over. People do it all the time. They just completely give up.

km34 12-20-2011 08:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cheryl (Post 116642)
Its pretty hard to just let go and not look back, but I'm getting older anyway, and maybe I should really should keep to myself and consider the romantic phase of my life over. People do it all the time. They just completely give up.

I don't think anyone would tell you to completely give up having adult connections/romance. I think most people WOULD tell you that THIS romance probably isn't a wise one to cultivate. Abandoning your child shouldn't be an option. It just shouldn't. Your marriage may be over, but you will always be a parent and your daughter's needs must be considered. This guy, your bf, obviously isn't making you happy. He is imposing strict guidelines that aren't supportive of YOUR needs and he expects you to go along with without any discussion whatsoever. You should be able to tell him that you aren't comfortable hearing about his sex life with his other gf without totally cutting off the ability to ask how his night was. If ALL he can talk about is sex when you ask that question, I would assume he doesn't have emotionally supportive priorities in the first place.

I'd recommend dumping the bf and like SNeacail said.. Take some time just to reflect and to figure out what you need to do to have a fulfilling life. After figuring that out, put yourself back out there and meet someone new. Personally, I'd try to talk to your husband to see how you can make your home life more comfortable. I understand that the two of you may never have an romantic relationship again, but you do have a daughter that will always bind you together so you should at least try to be friends.

SNeacail 12-20-2011 09:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by km34 (Post 116644)
I don't think anyone would tell you to completely give up having adult connections/romance. I think most people WOULD tell you that THIS romance probably isn't a wise one to cultivate. Abandoning your child shouldn't be an option. It just shouldn't.

Quote:

Take some time just to reflect and to figure out what you need to do to have a fulfilling life. After figuring that out, put yourself back out there and meet someone new. Personally, I'd try to talk to your husband to see how you can make your home life more comfortable. I understand that the two of you may never have an romantic relationship again, but you do have a daughter that will always bind you together so you should at least try to be friends.
This!

opalescent 12-20-2011 09:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cheryl (Post 116635)
My BF says he wont tolerate another man in my life -he'll just walk. It's that simple.

It is simple. Let him walk.

You already have another man in your life - your husband and the father of your child - and will for the rest of your life.

The bf knew that when he became involved with you.

You need people around you who can support you supporting your daughter, making co-parenting work with your husband, and getting your financial house in order.

Let the ultimatums, gf drama and other drama walk out the door with him. I suspect once he's gone you may find your way still difficult - it's so hard to be financially strapped - but much more manageable.

AnnabelMore 12-20-2011 10:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cheryl (Post 116635)
I would really like to hear from anyone in a vee about how they deal with some of this. Thanks.

I'm in a vee, so I can address your question. I deal with being handed an unfair set of rules with no flexibility, and having my partner dump the emotional negativity of their other partner's instability and jealousy on me, and being made to feel like I'm not respected and like the relationship is destroying my ability to feel, by...

Oh wait. I *don't* deal with those things because I would immediately dump anyone who tried to treat me that way. I respect myself enough to know that I deserve better. I know that it is better to be alone than to be with someone who treats me poorly and drags me down. I know that I am a lovable person and that if I leave one partner it doesn't mean I will be alone indefinitely, because I will find a new partner or partners when the time is right. So I only attach myself to people who treat me the way I deserve and make me feel good.

With all due respect to your difficult situation... why does it seem you can't you say the same?

BigGuy 12-21-2011 03:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cheryl (Post 116642)
maybe I should really should keep to myself and consider the romantic phase of my life over. People do it all the time. They just completely give up.

I am also in a Vee, well actually, it looks like the symbol on a "share" button, but close enough.

I think what you said here is a BRILLIANT idea.

Many times, it is only when we give up on the notion of romance, that we are able to focus on making ourselves healthy. Honestly. You need some time to reflect, learn, and grow into a person who doesn't believe she deserves the treatment you've been receiving. Because honey, you don't deserve this.

Take a break. I did.

It's better for you, and, its better for your daughter.

redpepper 12-21-2011 07:38 AM

I'm the hinge of a vee and while I sometimes need a sec to vent out some shit about one partner before carrying on with a partner I do so and move on. I don't expect them to solve it or even respond.... just let me vent so I can put it aside and allow myself to focus on the person I am with. Moping around is not an option EVER. That is entirely unfair. If I need to mope then I do it on my own time.

I also don't talk about the details of my sex life with my partners. I have certain routines but I don't feel it is respectful to brag, or be awe struck about how many orgasm a partner has with another partner (etc.) unless they get off on that kind of thing. Certainly not if they struggle with it. Really not respectful.

Lastly, no one tells me what to do when it comes to whether or not I can have other partners. If I agree because I want to give a partner time and want to investigate myself within their boundaries then I do it. When its done though its time to do my thing. I am not partial to being manipulated and controlled. I don't think anyone should be. Especially in a situation whereby they are doing so as some form of One Penis Policy (OPP) or ultimatum. There is a term for this actually that we just had a thread on. I can't remember what it is now.

Ya, I would be sitting him down for a serious talk about my boundaries to see if there is any way that an agreement that is balanced and fair can be reached. If not and he continued to pull an ultimatum based on withholding love if I didn't do as I was told, I would say good-bye.

nycindie 12-21-2011 09:28 PM

Cheryl, your bf sounds like a total ass. Why wait for him to dump you? Make a pre-emptive strike. Time to take out the trash, honey.


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