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-   -   Possible move into poly (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=19000)

rationalistguy 12-20-2011 12:54 AM

Possible move into poly
 
Hello!

I have been looking around the forum after some recent events in my life and I'm eager to discuss them with a sympathetic audience, which I probably don't need to tell most of you is not easy to find when discussing poly in the wider world. Also apologies for any oddly placed words anyone spots, I'm typing this on a phone with auto-fill and I might miss something.

For some background, I am a mid twenties male, married with two kids and overall very happy with my home life. I've been aware of poly since my teens, when I explored the internet in great detail. I have always felt that poly just makes sense, logically and, to me, emotionally.

I have never been in a poly relationship before but I have the fortune to be married to a wonderful women who.shares my desire to keep jealousy as far from our marriage as it can get, and who is, like me, not inclined to feel jealous. We have both happily and willingly flirted as much as we like.

My wife recently started a new job and has met a new group of people as a result. On a recent night out with her new colleagues my wife became friendly with a guy she works with (who I have met a couple of times) and some very heavy petting took place. If it had been practical, she tells me they would have certainly gone all the way.

I have previously made it clear to her that I don't have any objection to her being intimate with other people so, although it was a surprise, I am very happy to find that I feel no jealousy. In fact, my overriding emotion is one of happiness for her having found someone to share a fulfilling experience with. She has made it clear she would like to continue things with this other guy and I am more than happy for her to do so. In fact,
I feel somewhat excited myself as if it was me that had clicked with someone and I'm actually hopeful she'll get more out of this.

Unfortunately it isn't likely to be as idyllic as my head would picture it. Firstly, the other guy doesn't know that I know and my wife is not sure he'd be comfortable around me if he did know I knew (which is important as we all work in the same building). He is likely to be more comfortable (oddly) if he thinks my wife is seeing him behind my back. I don't particularly mind either way but hoped someone with experience could share some wisdom.

Secondly he is in a mono relationship with someone. Whilst he, my wife and I may all be happy with the situation there is still the possibility that someone might get hurt and even though I've never met her, and it is his relationship, some advice from experienced polys would be once again welcome on what if anything I should do/say.

I'm a little elated at the moment as I have always felt naturally hardwired for poly but with a small fear my brain would betray me in the event of my partner being involved with someone else and bombard me with jealousy, which simply hasn't arrived. I like a lot this feeling of excitement and happiness on her behalf, which is something that struck me as appealing about the idea of poly from the start.

Any comments or advice as my marriage moves into this new stage are greatly appreciated.

Phy 12-20-2011 12:32 PM

Hey there and welcome.

I think that it is great that you yourself feel that you could be happy with the joy your wife has found in this encounter. As you may already have read, if you really want to do poly, the handling of multiple loving relationships, dealing with unpleasant emotions that may cause jealousy is a big topic among the beginners and poly-experienced people. So congrats on that.

But, (and this but is serious), from what you told here, you aren't doing poly at the moment. You are on the best way to participate in cheating. And that's a severe fault in this process. If your wife engages herself with this guy, she will NOT be in another relationship with him, that could be seen as poly, because the honesty on all fronts is missing here. You could be about to invite severe drama into your marriage and the relationship of this other couple. You can't write their relationship off as something that doesn't concern you. Because if you know that he is cheating on his spouse with your wife, you acknowledge his behavior and take an active part in it. (If we want to stick to the facts: Your wife in an active and you in a passive way.)

Think about the consequences and ask yourself if you really want to hurt another person this much. Ask your wife if she wants to play a major role in something like that. Have a look around the forum, there are numerous threads about cheating and the harm it does to all involved. Broken trust is one of the most devastating things a relationship could face. And this guy is about to invite this threat right into his life. Maybe you could ask what this says about his character/prudence and how favorable it is that your wife involves herself with such a person. (I don't know him but he seems to be all in for this step.)

It's great that you and your wife feel ready to explore new relationship dynamics and deepen your bond along the way and share new and important parts of your life or whatever fascinates you most about the idea. But doing poly means you are connected to those people you invite into your life in an emotional way. It goes beyond physical contact, you want to form deeper relationships with those people and you will participate in their life as they do in yours. And you should want to be as responsible as you are in regard to your spouse. That's why cheating shouldn't be in your book when you think about being/doing poly.

So maybe, if you want this experience to be a lasting and good one, you should sit down with your wife, the man she is involved with (as the persons who are already in the picture) and later on the way his spouse to see where everyone stands in this process of opening your marriage or even the relationship of the other couple. It could evolve to something great and mind-blowing (speaking from own experience here :) ) but there are some traps you should look out for.

These are just my thoughts on your situation, but I hope you will find a way to handle this new experience and reach a successful solution in the end. Good luck.

AnnabelMore 12-20-2011 02:40 PM

I agree completely with Phy. I don't believe in the spiritual dimension of karma, per se, but it's undeniable that when you invite negative things into your life (dishonesty, participating in the damage/destruction of another's relationship), you invite bad things into your own (further dishonesty, drama).

You say you guys have done lots of flirting over the years. That being so, you and your wife will have plenty of other chances to explore outside relationships if it's not right with this particular guy.

If you know that he's willing to pass you in the office and smile at you, while thinking to himself that he's a partner in deceiving you, how can you trust him to, say, be honest with your wife about his std status? How can you trust him at all?

If I were you, I would ask my wife to come clean to him. And if that means she doesn't get to sleep with him, oh well. There are other fish in the sea. I would also recommend not getting involved with a cheater at all. To put it another way, if his own wife, his life partner, can't trust him why should either of you?

But maybe bringing up poly to him will give him a chance to think about doing things another way. Maybe he hasn't done the internet exploration you have and doesn't know of it -- many don't. Maybe this could change the whole course of his life and his marriage in a positive way. On what do you base the idea that he wouldn't be cool with it? Why not give him the opportunity to know what he's getting into?

Poly is defined by some as ethical nonmonogamy, and by others as multiple loving relationships. This ain't ethical as it stands, and, as Phy pointed put, your wife can hardly have a "relationship"with this guy if he thinks he's a secret and doesn't know what the real deal is in her life.

BigGuy 12-21-2011 05:05 AM

This, and sexing at work is generally not a good idea.

redpepper 12-21-2011 06:55 AM

I haven't read what the others have said, sorry about that, I don't have much time and wanted to stress that he thinks he is cheating with your wife, he IS cheating on someone and this whole thing has some less than ethical ramifications for all of you. Not poly at all to me. Poly is about living with integrity, trust, honesty, open communication and empathy.... cheating does not fill any of those things.

If I were you and your wife I would chalk it up to experience (yay, you might not get jealous), and move on. I also would tell the guy, if I were your wife that while the petting was fun it was not right and that I never want it to happen again without full consent from his partner, just as I did. Then I would go find a poly person and skip the cheaters.

It sounds like taking a break to get a grip on what your ethics are in all this might be a good idea. I suggest looking at the lessons learned thread and the foundations thread to see if there is anything that might be helpful in gaining some perspective on where you are going in this.

MonoVCPHG 12-21-2011 07:24 AM

If a person is willing to lie to a partner about having an affair...and this guy is a liar by defintion...then he'll be just as quick to lie about safe sex and a lack there of. Your wife could be exposing you to a world of very real and physical danger. They both need to be a bit more adult about thier actions.

I've been in the other guys shoes...I was a liar, simple and plain. Watch out for yourself and hopefully your wife will find someone who better suits a "poly" atmosphere...the kind that involves honesty and taking other people's feelings into account.


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