two mono men... my open heart
i'm a woman who's been in a mono relationship for almost 6 years with a mostly straight man- i'm 26 - "Wolf" is 42.
we're incredibly passionate about each other... our whole story is soul-mate material from our first meeting, to a long-distance first 10months together to me moving to be with him. a little more than a year ago i moved away (10hr drive)- back to Canada to do a masters degree and be closer to my mom. We talked about how we would do a long distance/open (ish) relationship but work to be together. the same month i moved away- he lost his job of more than 10 yrs- the thing that was really tying him in NYC... he was in a bit of a rough headspace but i was clear that i wanted him to move to be with me. he eventually decided not to and i felt really disappointed- like our age difference did actually matter- that we were at different stages of life. i told him it was a boundary for me. that we should separate... part logistical part feeling like its hard to dream together. i'm really mobile right now- i've been abroad (13hr time difference) doing research the last 4 months and spent 2 months previously in the midwest. We still keep in touch- i was keeping an emotional distance for a while even though we would talk sometimes. When we saw each other again after the midwest thing it was sooo amazing, deep, love, beauty... i feel like we're forever if we keep making time for each other- we have this magnetic connection, he's so important to me and yet neither of us is prioritizing the other... now he wants me back and says he'll absolute move if that's what i want...
in the midwest i remet an acquaintance "Turtle", 28, - a friend of friends. we both felt connected when we met a couple years ago but never really followed it because of prior commitments. The last 6-7months we have since been exploring a relationship- also mostly long distance. he came to visit me recently and we had a very comfortable intense thing. i'm not as whoa attracted to him, but we have a sweet, engaging, safe, synergistic thing together, we share alot of current dreams. he says he loves me and its ok so far that i don't love him back.
the thing is i think i do love him (Turtle) but i don't want to let Wolf totally go- both in my heart and in our future dreams with each other. Wolf knows about Turtle- he's super upset that we had a tropical vacation together- that I'm actually pursuing an emotional/sexual relationship with someone else. Wolf's been dating other women- resentfully he says- because i broke up with him...
I guess i feel like i could totally do the poly thing with these two men. Turtle and I talked about it (actually i told him when I was going to go visit NYC that I would stay with Wolf and he was upset - he told me its not what he wants, but that he accepts that I love somebody else for now)
Except that its really not what either of them want. They want children with me (i love kids). they don't want to share.
I don't even really want the poly lifestyle- i definitely wouldn't call myself poly- not out of a moral sensibility- so don't worry- but really because it just seems so time-consuming. which i suppose is fine.. i always think of a partner as someone who really enables me to realize other parts of myself- a synergistic relationship that helps me channel creativity for art, thoughts for revolution, etc... but i feel like the 3 of us could be an amazing team, they just don't yet know;)
My feeling right now is that I'm not making decisions- this is partly because I'm far from both of them and will be for at least 2 more months and likely much longer because i still technically live in Canada (not the US). Wolf is pushing me to make my choice. Choosing Turtle will mean I will lose Wolf.
I have been maintaining that my choice is 'refusal to choose'... is this fair? can i keep loving them both in a limited way (because of distance) where nobody is really that satisfied or should i just cut one out for the sake of cultivating something more with another?
I've heard a lot of people bash Rush, but I think they had it right when they said "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice." You may not have chosen between Wolf or Turtle, but you have chosen to keep everyone kind of strung along presumably until one (or both) of the men hit their breaking point.
My advice? Really try to explain to both of them where you're coming from. You say you wouldn't call yourself poly because it's time consuming. I think you are choosing not to follow your inner-poly because it's hard (which I totally get, but you probably won't feel fulfilled in your life if you just dismiss it entirely without considering what could be). Explain to them that you do love both of them and that you really want to be with them, but if they can't accept you for who you are then it isn't going to work. I know it sounds harsh, but if you dump one of them and end up married with kids with the other you will always have the 'what ifs' in your mind. What if they had come to accept you as poly? What if you had ended up with the other one? What if...? See if they are open to reading about vees and mono people who are involved with poly people. Maybe if they can see that it has worked for other people they will be willing to try it. The worst they can say is no.
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