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-   -   Looking for some advice on polyandry (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1890)

Astador 01-04-2010 05:35 PM

Looking for some advice on polyandry
 
hey there. I have recently found myself in a situation witch is now a polyandry relation. Me and my gf have been together for over a year and about 2 months ago she confesed to me she was in love with another man.
I love her very much and I know she loves me to but now she also has these feelings for this third man (Call him GW).

She is seeing this comming in the future to us all living together and us shareing her.

I love here with all my heart and she makes me happyer than I have ever been. Is there any advice on how I can make this work?

All I want is to make her happy

Edit: Ohh and BTW anyone who has an opinion feel free. I am very rational and will not over react to any post. I just want to talk about it all.

CielDuMatin 01-04-2010 05:59 PM

Astador, understanding each person's needs and desires in a relationship like this and communicating them between everyone involved is, to me, a large part of making something like this work.

Let me play devil's advocate here, if I may...
You say "All I want is to make her happy" - if that is taken literally it sounds like you have no needs of your own over her being happy - you exist in life just to make her happy and it doesn't matter what she does because if she is happy, then you are. Is this the case?

If you had to make a list of your "bottom line" items - things that have to be in place for you to be happy and satisfied - what's on it? (you don't have to share that with us if you don't want to - I just want you to think about the answer).

Oh and a big welcome to the forum - I really hope you can find the answers, inspiration and community that you need!

Astador 01-04-2010 06:53 PM

Thank you for your welcome and I can find what I need here.

It is a hard thing to say. Perhapse I expressed it a bit strongly but her having what she wants (Ie both of us) dose make me unhapy as I want her for myself and that is how I thought it would be. Beeing jellous however and cutting him out would make her unhappy and so me unhappy.

GW however just this minnute has shown his rational side and has admitted that I am the better choice for her. Now we are both trying to work out what to do as he has tryed this before with catastrophic results and is in no mood to do it again.

She says she loves GW but he is beeing more reserved. My relationship with him is cordial but there is no love. (I am not bi. He is but has no interest in me).

dakid 01-04-2010 08:08 PM

the fact that you are not bisexual and that he is not "interested in you" (which i hope only means in the sexual sense?) does not, to me, tell me anything about the possibility of love between you two. that's because i value platonic love, ie love between friends/non-sexual love at least as highly as love between sexual partners.

however this does sound like a difficult or perhaps i should say challenging situation and i hope you find a way through it as you sound like a very caring person.

would it not also affect your love's happiness if she knew that you were not happy? if she values your happiness as much as you do hers, then i have faith that the two of you will find a way through this, either with or without him (or any other lover).

it will probably/certainly involve a whole lot of thought, reflection, talking, sharing, with big doses of honesty, love and tact, but it can be done.

all the very best, x

Catfish 01-04-2010 10:00 PM

WELCOME TO THE FORUM!

This is almost identical to my situation.

My best advice would be to say everything you feel. (which i have trouble with myself sometimes) Be it good or bad, say it. Giving your girlfriend a chance to honestly react to your true feelings is paramount. Anything less is an insult.

Be honest with yourself about what you want out of your relationship and make it known.

Before any kind of poly relationship is possible, your relationship with your girlfriend needs to be as transparent as you can make it. Secrets kill trust. Trust is essential.

All that said, this kind of relationship IS possible and can be a very good thing. There are some members of this forum in a similar situation that just celebrated their one year anniversary as a great big, open, loving family. It makes me smile just thinking of them.

Best of luck to you.
CF

GroundedSpirit 01-04-2010 10:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Astador (Post 18401)
hey there. I have recently found myself in a situation witch is now a polyandry relation. Me and my gf have been together for over a year and about 2 months ago she confesed to me she was in love with another man.
I love her very much and I know she loves me to but now she also has these feelings for this third man (Call him GW).

She is seeing this comming in the future to us all living together and us shareing her.

I love here with all my heart and she makes me happyer than I have ever been. Is there any advice on how I can make this work?

All I want is to make her happy

Edit: Ohh and BTW anyone who has an opinion feel free. I am very rational and will not over react to any post. I just want to talk about it all.

Well - a couple comments seem appropriate ......

Have you two sat down and had any discussions about what it means to love multiple people (we'll say in a romantic sense- I don't like the term though)? How aware are both of you about the issues such a lovestyle entails? Things like this seem easy from a philosophical prospective but are somewhat different in practice. But with love - all IS possible - and potentially beautiful - but never effortless.
The third party (GW) apparently already has reservations - realistic or not. He's going to need some re-education and TLC to attempt this himself.

And, as a side note I feel I have to mention that your expression of total compersion (only caring about her happiness), as lovely as it sounds, raises a flag for me. It's possible - very true. It's also possible that it's a warning sign and cover-up of heavy dependency. I'd have a little talk (honest) with myself some night and see if there's any of that floating around there. Because if it is, you need to work on that, because long term it will destroy ANY relationship you have - mono-poly or otherwise ! Better to identify it now and get to work on it than deal with the damage it will cause lots of people later.

Good luck. We're all hear to help any way we can on these issues.

GS

LovingRadiance 01-05-2010 01:55 AM

Go read through posts by Maca....
Great place to start.

I'm his wife and in September told him that I was no longer able to pretend to be a mono person. He was forced fairly quickly to come to terms with some changes in our life as the man I also love has been my best friend for 17years, our roommate for 5 or so and is the bio-father of our youngest child.

Maca for certain NEVER considered anything but a monogomous marriage and has had to do some major leaps of thought to come to terms with this new dynamic-but his posts may help you find some ground to work from.

Good luck.

redpepper 01-05-2010 07:42 AM

Anything is possible my friend... with a lot of hard work at communicating, loving, caring, respectful, empathizing and being open and honest every step of the way. This forum is made up of people who mean to achieve similar ways of having a relationship to you. We all do that differently and have different dynamics, but the foundation is the same... and what I mentioned above.

I hope you stick around and get a good read, ask questions and add your comments.

Astador 01-05-2010 05:56 PM

The point about worrying about an overdependance on my part is posible but I have never been a dependant person. She is the first person ever that I have let this close in to my life. Every time I see her my heart dose jump in happyness and I think it is love.

As for patience and careing on my part it took me nearly 2 days of solid talking to convince her that I was not going to leave over this. So I think I have ample amounts of compassion, patience and understanding. On one occasion she even thanked me for staying with her through "This confusing time".

From my talk with GW yestarday it seems like we are both trying to figure a way to let her down gently. He has expressed his misgivings about this whole venture. However another potential problem is that he dose not seem to understand the magnitude of her feelings for him.

MonoVCPHG 01-05-2010 08:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Astador (Post 18678)
From my talk with GW yestarday it seems like we are both trying to figure a way to let her down gently. He has expressed his misgivings about this whole venture. However another potential problem is that he dose not seem to understand the magnitude of her feelings for him.

Thank you for sharing on this level of depth and in this turn of events. I hope things work out with as little pain as possible and, selfishly, hope you continue to update us. I don't want this to come out wrong but there is a lot of learning for others in this I think.

Take care
Peace and Love
Mono


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