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-   -   Hello from Central New York (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1888)

JessieNY 01-04-2010 04:47 PM

Hello from Central New York
Hello all! I just stumbled upon this website and am happy I did. I am married to a wonderful man who happens to believe in polyamory as do I but I am finding it hard at times to get over the jealousy and insecurities that I have. We have had one relationship -not really serious 10 years ago. Just recently we talked about finding a serious relationship. My hubby loves to help other people and I love his way of thinking. Though, we have been together for over 10 years it is hard for me to overcome this insecurity that i have since we decided about possibly adding another woman to our home. I love the idea of having a friend and a bond with another women, yet the idea of sharing my husband emotionally is hard. Will I ever get over these feelings? I just hope that I can and also hope that we can meet the right woman with whom I can fall in love with as much as I am in love with my husband.

PittDruid 01-04-2010 07:53 PM

Welcome to the forum. You will find a lot of good people that have been there and can help.

HappiestManAlive 01-04-2010 07:56 PM

Welcome! As PittDruid said, your situation is one we see and help each other through frequently (not elittling your situation in any way), and you will find plenty of advice here!

CielDuMatin 01-04-2010 07:57 PM

Jessie, welcome to the forum - hope you find the answers you seek.

dakid 01-04-2010 08:03 PM

welcome jessie. i wish you all the best in your endeavours. don't forget - no relationship is "easy", but some are worth the struggle! i hope you find the support you seek here x

rosevett 01-04-2010 08:15 PM

Welcome, from another NYer non-city *wink*. With 10 years of knowing about and exploring Polyamory I am sure you'll have some great input as well.

FreeandUnited 01-06-2010 11:32 AM

Hi, Jessie:)

Newbie here as well.

wolfnrose 01-06-2010 03:26 PM

Many of us have been there...

As others have said, many of us have been there ourselves or been through numerous times of seeing our mates dealing with their polys (us!) strange ways... There isn't really a single way of working through it, but there are some commonalities I'm happy to try to share with you if you'd like...

I've been poly in brain since I was born, and poly externally for about 20 years now (yes, I was more than a little precocious for my time...). And even being poly myself, I'll admit it's still a little "odd" when my mate(s) actually go out on dates with others. I'm not sure if I can call it jealousy as most describe it (I don't envy their relationship, I just want to see that movie with them, too!), or even fear of loss (Oddly, I don't fear -- maybe this sounds arrogant, but I don't want someone who doesn't see my worth enough to hold onto me...).

But the biggest factor by far that *I* have discovered is (and this should really not surprise you?) is whether the other person is fundamentally worthy of your respect. If my fiance' dates a nice guy who seems to genuinely not wish to come between us, I'm hunky dory -- Yeah, stay over, borrow my tools, whatever... but if he's a total jackass who is clearly only going to hurt the woman I love deeply, I get my hackles up quickly. I don't believe in "bans" or "vetos" per se, but I do expect my mate to listen to my opinion when she's caught up in New Relationship Energy and totally blinded. I've been there myself, and know ALL about NRE making you think the scankwhore is Cinderella... :-) One of my agreements with my current mate is PLEASE DO tell me when you think I'm dating a scank, because I probably won't see it, and she's likely to show her true colors to my mate (who she's trying to push out) MUCH earlier than myself (who she's trying to impress).

I have a proclivity for dating mono women (not by intent, but because most polys don't seem to agree with my version of respectful, limited poly). Yeah, I know, I'm giving myself a lot of headaches with ending up dating mono women, but I mention it because it does compound all of the above jealousy issues... On top of "human" jealousy, I get to contend with "I don't REALLY understand why you want a second anyway.... AND she's a scank, by the way." :-) I will try not to speak for my mate(s), but as I said, I can try to give you a list of things that seemed to help based on my perspective.

Take care, and love well...

JessieNY 01-06-2010 05:49 PM

In our relationship now it is myself and my husband. We are looking to add a 3rd for both of us to be with her and a whole unit...not just me with her or him with her. My husband wants for it to be equal for the both of us women involved. We haven't found anyone per se though we have had physical relationships in the past together. We want this to be a group effort but i find since i was raised mono i am having a hard time dealing with the emotional aspects. I do not want to be a jealous person or the insecure one - which is something i usually am and want so much to change that about myself so i can love freely and deeply. But the mono part of my mind is always standing there pointing out all my worst fears...what if he leaves me in favor of her? etc etc etc

lovefromgirl 01-06-2010 05:55 PM

Leaving one woman in favor of another is... definitely skirting my personal boundaries of ethical non-monogamy, anyway, so you're not crazy or "not poly" for worrying. I think you'd do well to sit down and have a chat about those particular insecurities, recognising that they aren't inherent character flaws but reactions to fears you have about the security of your relationship.

Is your search limited to just the one woman? Would it help the two of you if you considered bringing in more than one partner -- one for each? You may well need someone of your own (oh, what a complicated phrase) in order to feel equal. There again, you may not, which is why this is a question and not set-in-stone advice. <3

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