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-   -   My tendency to over-think things.... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=18865)

km34 12-16-2011 07:32 PM

My tendency to over-think things....
I have this awful habit of dwelling way too much on one situation instead of just going with it and seeing what happens. I over-think things CONSTANTLY. Luckily, my husband is very supportive and will listen to my rants until something triggers a decision/attitude that I am satisfied with. The problem? That attitude doesn't always stick around for long.... So I thought I would spare him the possibly useless discussion and post my rant here. :) Advice/comments are always welcome, but those of you who have read any of my previous posts know that my feelings when it comes to relationships can be VERY confusing and can change in an instant.

A bit of background: As I mentioned before, I am married. We were high school sweethearts and have been together for almost 7 years, married for about a year and a half. We have been involved in the swinging lifestyle off and on for just over 4 years. About a year ago we met a couple. F and M that we have consistently swapped/played with and she and I had gotten quite close. Recently F and I both decided we needed to be more open about our feelings and a more romantic relationship has ensued.

This is all VERY new. As in we had the discussion to officially be 'more than friends' less than a month ago. Since then, though, I can't stop thinking about whether or not this is really the best situation for me. I really care for F, and I think I could love her someday (if I don't already... My husband tells me that she and I have lovey eyes when we're together lol), but I am inherently a needy person. If I am in a relationship, I want to talk to that person EVERYDAY. I want to have at least one day a week where we get to spend time just the two of us. I get that weekly time, but she is married, has a full time job, and is Mom to a 2 year old so there are somedays she just doesn't seem to have time to send me a text or two let alone have a conversation with me. She is also terrible about not keeping her phone around and charged. I guess my problem is that I need constant assurance that a person cares about me which I know is a pain in the butt and not really fair to those I'm with. I've tried to explain this to her, but she just doesn't seem to understand that deep down I am emotionally stunted since I have always seemed to be more grounded than that.

Second problem that I have is that she doesn't see this relationship really progressing any further. She never wants to tell her family (she's afraid they'd disown her), she never wants to combine households, she never wants really change anything about our situation. She is perfectly happy with us caring deeply for one another, but never really sharing our lives. That's NEVER been what I've wanted. If I love someone, I want to see them everyday, I want them to be involved in my decisions and I want to be involved with theirs (i.e. Where to live, what to do this weekend, etc). Granted, I know that we will/would never be perfectly integrated since we are not involved with each others' husbands other than friendship and sexually, but I still think we could all make it work as an integrated household. I don't think my family would react well, but she and her husband have started coming to large family functions at my parents' house and I HATE having to censor my behaviors because she isn't comfortable being 'out.' I just don't feel like we have the same long-term goals for a relationship.

I would hate to end this relationship that really just got started because of this, but at the same time I don't want to let it go to far and then realize in another year that I am still feeling like I'm stuck in an in-between place (somewhere between close friends and committed lovers). Before this whole thing started, I'd always thought that my ideal romantic situation would be a triad between myself, my husband, and another woman. I really hate the idea of 'primary' and 'secondary' relationships and would really prefer a situation where all parties are equal. Right now there are so many complications due to the fact that it is a new relationship even if the feelings have been there for quite a while, the 2 married couples involved are swingers, and none of us have really been involved in a serious poly relationship. I just don't know what to do... Go with it and see how it plays out or bite the bullet and explain to her that I don't think this could ever be what I really want in life?

SourGirl 12-16-2011 08:00 PM

This will be a completely experienced-related, piece of advice.

If she really feels that way, and you really are 'needy' and think its up to others to sooth that, then I cannot see this working out in the long run.

The question to ask before that decision, is if you can talk to her, and see if she can look at her past, and see if she has been the type to feel one way at the beginning of a relationship, and then evolve over time. Then see if she can apply that possibility to the situation with you.

if it is a case of her knowing herself real well, and history shows her, she is quite fine with things as is,....then you have some decisions to make.

It is not fun, or pretty to have opposite desires with such things, and I cant see it being worthwhile in the long run.

Good Luck.

AnnabelMore 12-16-2011 10:48 PM

You call yourself "emotionally stunted", and maybe that was a joke, but if you're really not satisfied with the way you need other people, it's possible you could grow into a more sanguine person with a lot if hard work. Perhaps it would even bring other benefits into your life.

Do you think you could ever change? Have you tried in the past? It may be that you can't or don't want to, both of which would be valid, but one of the amazing things about relationships is that they can force us to evolve...

BigGuy 12-16-2011 11:47 PM

You can't enter into relationships with the expectation that the other person will change. She's told you what she's comfortable with. The question you have to answer is if you think you could ever accept the level of intimacy she's willing to offer.

Take EVERYTHING else out of the equation (kids, husbands, families), if this were a new relationship you were starting, and this person told you they didn't want it to go any further, would you continue with the relationship, pining away for something deeper that may never happen?

Personally, I think you're setting yourself up for a long drawn out heartbreak, and in the long run it's healthier for you to cut your losses now.

km34 12-17-2011 04:29 AM

I call myself emotionally stunted for one reason, really. I have a VERY hard time showing people how I really feel. My only complaint about my childhood is that my dad used to tell me to not be so emotional and I took it to heart. If I am feeling overly emotional, I have a tendency to go into a room by myself until I can calm down. I have been working on this, but it still takes a lot for me to be able to put myself 100% out there when it comes to emotion because of being judged for it in the past (and not just by my dad... but that is a-whole-nother story complaining about religious leaders not using common sense in sensitive situations).

As for being needy.. It goes away in time, it is really only an issue of me being sure of where I stand with a person. The problem here is that I have a hard time telling where exactly I'm rated. I understand her child is going to come first and that her relationship with her husband is going to take precedence, but if it is a choice between being with me and being with her extended family I have no idea how she would choose. The fact that she only seems to text/call when she has a specific question kind of makes me feel like I'm not that important. The only time we have an idle conversation that isn't face-to-face is when I initiate. Is this me being overly needy or is it fair to want to talk once in a while - besides the 2 times a week we see each other - without having something specific on the agenda (i.e. What time are we all meeting up this weekend? Do we need to bring anything to this party?)?

As for expecting her to change, I don't. I guess I just hope that after a while I will get over this habit of putting too much weight on what the future holds and be able to enjoy things while they last. I really don't expect my relationship with F to last forever. I don't think it can for all the reasons you've all pointed out. She and I want different things, my emotional baggage making it even more difficult. I just don't know how to go back now that we've taken this step. Is it possible to go back to how we started as just friends and playmates? Or even just friends? F and M are two of my best friends, and I know my husband feels the same way and I would hate for my inability to be satisfied with having the here and now to get in the way of that. BUT I know it's not fair to myself or to F for me to act completely happy with the current situation when I'm not.

I suppose it is time for me to yet again put my big girl panties on and have a heart to heart with F. Maybe this time I'll be able to avoid covering myself from head to toe in a blanket with only one eye peeping out (and no, that is not really an exaggeration...). I suppose if I keep bringing up my desire to be in contact more frequently she will either get the idea or decide I'm not worth the trouble.

AnnabelMore 12-17-2011 05:25 AM

A couple of things to keep in mind.

If given the option, she may choose to see her extended family now but to see you without a second thought down the line. Relationships take time to develop, especially when someone already has so many other things on their plate.

Different people show caring in different ways. For some people, idle contact when there's nothing to say means nothing to them and may in fact just be annoying. The fact that she doesn't show caring in the exact way you want to receive it doesn't mean she doesn't care. I would say anyone who consistently makes alone time for you when she had a two year old is definitely showing you that she cares and that she prioritizes you.

If the contact issue really is that important to you she should be able to bend a little and try. Just understand that you may be speaking different languages here. I'm a very touch-oriented person and my gf likes her space when she's not being intimate with someone. It took her almost two years to begin to unlearn her habits and really understand my needs so she could give me those idle touches I was craving without feeling crowded.

km34 12-18-2011 03:51 PM

I think we are both kind of struggling with this transition... I mean, while the feelings have been growing for quite a while, we just decided to make it a 'relationship' a few weeks ago. We were supposed to hang out (spouses included so it would be all 4 of us) last night, but I ended up having to work 2 hours late and I was about to drop when I got done so it didn't happen. I could tell she was upset, but she wouldn't/couldn't (not sure which) SAY that she was. She just made a couple of sad little comments and told me good night. We're going over there this evening as soon as I get done at work, so I'm going to try to talk to her about both of us being more open about what we're feeling. I think we got so used to NOT sharing because we didn't know how the other person or our husbands would react that we're stuck in the habit.

km34 12-19-2011 07:54 PM

So, the last couple of days I have been in an AWFUL mood. Nobody's fault.. It's just that time of the month and I haven't been getting enough sleep to help me hide the cranky that cramps and an inability to have sex always cause. My husband and I went to my girlfriend and her husband's house last night for dinner/a movie. We ended up watching Jeopardy instead, which kind of stinks for Keith and F, since M is REALLY competitive when it comes to trivia and I just do my best to undermine him whenever possible. It's a little game we play. While he pretends to get mad when I beat him to an answer, he is underneath the surface incredibly turned on by my intelligence. It's terribly entertaining to see him struggle with the dislike of not answering the question first and the appreciation that someone else can actually keep up with him. It always makes F happy, too, since she sits in between us and can hear all the times I mumble the answer under my breath to let him win. Keith just shouts out random words to try to throw us off, so Jeopardy marathons (we watched 5 episodes last night) are always a hit.

I think I am coming to terms with the more fluid relationship that F and I are going to have... I appreciate the time we have together and while I would love it if she devoted herself a little more to talking to me just to see how I'm doing, I hope I'll get over it. The boys are going to stay home this week so she and I can go get coffee and just hang out OUTSIDE of her house. I get that her dedicating an evening to hang out with me is great, but it usually is at her house so that we can watch their son, too. We go out shopping or to dinner or something like that without any children MAYBE once a month, so it's always nice to get some actual alone time that isn't spent with a child right upstairs. I guess I'm still stuck in my past ways where if a relationship didn't have long term potential, I didn't think it was worth pursuing. While this was fine for high school, I know now that even something that only lasts a few months can cause me to learn, grow, and enjoy myself.

F and M are going to Texas for Christmas to spend a few days with her family. It is her niece's first Christmas so I told her I expect lots of pictures! They are spending New Year's with my family which may be slightly awkward since NOBODY knows that we're more than friends. I hate having to censor my actions, but since F isn't comfortable with anyone knowing, I'll deal.

BigGuy 12-19-2011 08:29 PM

Dang it, where is the "Like" button.

km34 12-20-2011 05:46 PM


Originally Posted by BigGuy (Post 116528)
Dang it, where is the "Like" button.

Thank you. :)

Today I am struggling a little bit. As I said... F and M are going to Texas for Christmas, which is great. They are leaving Thursday, so instead of hanging out on Wednesday night like usual, we are getting together tonight. F and I are actually going to get to leave the house which I am still stoked about. Anyway, the part that is bothering me. I sent F a text this morning asking if she would like me to come over earlier than planned this evening to help her finish up packing or entertain her son so that she wouldn't have to whilst packing (M is pretty useless when it comes to that kind of stuff - he is a great dad, but VERY impatient when he is trying to watch their kid AND do something else). I randomly woke up early this morning and managed to send this text BEFORE F and M would have gotten to work. It is past time for their lunch break and still I have heard nothing. Which frustrates me. Even though I know it shouldn't.

I am a stay at home wife at the moment, so pretty much the only time I get out of the house is when I need to run errands, babysit for people, or go to hang out with people. So on these long days when I am home alone, I guess I just wish I had someone around who could talk to me. lol I know F can't, but it still makes me sad that she doesn't/can't respond to ONE text. Oh, well. It really isn't a big deal, I just have to convince my loneliness/boredness of that. :)

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