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-   -   Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.: Merged Threads, General Discussion (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1877)

redpepper 08-29-2009 01:13 PM

Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.: Merged Threads, General Discussion
 
"Jealousy differs from envy in that jealousy is about something one has and is afraid of losing, while envy refers to something one does not have and either wants to acquire or to prevent another from acquiring."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jealousy

Some people in my life lately are possibly envious or even jealous when it comes to my relationships. I say possibly because they might just be figuring it all out for themselves and taking the time to do so. I know I should just chalk it up to their problem and not mine, but I hurt from it. I don't want them to think I am gone from their lives for good and I don't want to feel I have to down play my happiness either. It is far easier to deal with my partners feelings around jealousy and envy than it is with the outside world...

I'd love to know how to deal with the outside world on this one...????

NeonKaos 08-29-2009 01:18 PM

If I answered that completely honestly, I would have to reveal certain things about myself that I'm not yet prepared to do on this forum.

redpepper 08-29-2009 06:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by YGirl (Post 5778)
If I answered that completely honestly, I would have to reveal certain things about myself that I'm not yet prepared to do on this forum.

Oh reeeeeeaally..... hmmmmm...
Are you sure you are not willing to reveal? hmmmm?

seriously though, if it is not appropriate to reveal here then you know where to find me for a private chat.... I'd be up for that and certainly am left intrigued by anything you want to say Ygirl. Whatever that might be...
(I'm expecting a tongue lashing.... which come to think of it wouldn't be too bad ;))

NeonKaos 08-29-2009 06:16 PM

I didn't realize how enigmatic that must have sounded.

I will probably say something soon, I just have to let it stew for a bit.

It isn't a tongue-lashing (although I'd tongue-lash you any day of the week :) ) that I have to say, but it's more along the kinds of things Mono says when he talks about his personal hang-ups and shit. It really isn't as bad as I made it sound, it's more like I wonder what folks will think of me if I were to say certain things. I'll have to read your original post again.

But I do have this for you:

What if, instead of your happiness (which is not a tangible thing), these people were jealous or envious of your great body, which you spend X number of hours in the gym and deprive yourself of yummy snacks to maintain?

I'm not saying that is the case (although your body looks just fine to me), but it IS a tangible thing, and would it be any different to you if they were jealous of that?

XYZ123 08-29-2009 06:34 PM

I'm not usually mean-spirited. But, honestly, if they're jealous or envious, let them go out and find their own (person, place, thing) that makes THEM happy. I'm not saying I'm never envious or jealous, it's human nature. But I get over it pretty quickly and DO something about these feelings. In other words, I find my own happiness. And I make a decision to be happy for those I care about, even if I do wish I had what they have. You keep being happy. Let them waste their own lives envying you. But remind them that they can work towards happiness as well and be willingto show them how. You are only responsible for the happiness of yourself and for doing what you can to bring about the happiness of those you love and who love you and work towards your happiness in return. It took me years (and alot of going without to make other people happy) to learn this. And I still forget sometimes.

I wish I had the support and the extended chosen family you do. I wish I had the happiness and fulfillment you do. However, I'm not envious as there is no negativity attached to my wishes. Rather, your story provides me with hope and I am happy for you. So thank you for sharing it and please continue to be as happy as you are!

(Hehe. I'm grumpy today. Can you tell?)

Ceoli 08-29-2009 06:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 5776)
"
Some people in my life lately are possibly envious or even jealous when it comes to my relationships. I say possibly because they might just be figuring it all out for themselves and taking the time to do so. I know I should just chalk it up to their problem and not mine, but I hurt from it. I don't want them to think I am gone from their lives for good and I don't want to feel I have to down play my happiness either. It is far easier to deal with my partners feelings around jealousy and envy than it is with the outside world...

I'd love to know how to deal with the outside world on this one...????

Well, one thing I would ask is what exactly about their envy is hurtful to you? What's the connection it makes for you?

Other than that, I think there is sometimes merit to listening to other people's reactions. I know that for myself, I'm not where I want to be in my love life and while there are some good points to it, my love life has had a very painful and lonely history that makes it sorely lacking in a way that creates a tangible ache (but the beauty of being human is learning to move past the pain and being open to more love). Now, I have friends who are overflowing with happiness in their love lives, and while I am happy for them, I can't deny the envy either. But that envy doesn't hurt our relationships because they respect where I am on my journey. They respect the loss and sadness I have and *make space for it*. Just as I work to make space for their happiness. (I know that in situations of great happiness, it's easy to be a bit more oblivious to the effect it may have on people around me) They don't treat my sadness as an attack on their happiness and that allows me to be genuinely happy for them despite my sadness. And it's very enriching because we all have things to learn from everyone else's experiences and we can do that when each experience is honored. I have had other friends where we haven't been able to maintain relationships because their overflowing happiness leaves little room for anything else and doesn't tolerate the fact that this is where I'm struggling. They don't leave the space for me to have my own feelings. They don't honor my struggle in their happiness, which makes it more difficult for me to honor their happiness in my struggle.

In contrast, I'm aware of other parts of my life where I have achieved great success and have been envied by others. One thing I do in areas where I feel successful is that I try to be keenly aware of how much space that success takes up in my relationships. I remember that while I have worked very hard for my success, there is also a great deal of luck and serendipity that helped me to be where I'm at. I find it important to remember that when other people express envy for my situation. So I won't hide my happiness in those areas, but I will approach it with a bit of humility and respect for people who may not have had the fortunate situations that I've had.

redpepper 08-29-2009 06:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by YGirl (Post 5794)
What if, instead of your happiness (which is not a tangible thing), these people were jealous or envious of your great body, which you spend X number of hours in the gym and deprive yourself of yummy snacks to maintain?

I'm not saying that is the case (although your body looks just fine to me), but it IS a tangible thing, and would it be any different to you if they were jealous of that?

How is that a tangible thing? It is very similar in fact (although I don't spend time in the gym and indeed eat treats... :)) what does one do with that even? It's like I come barreling into a room all happy and smiley, ready to chat and get to know people, eager to tell my story and share experiences, learn from others and love them for who they are and I am faced with them looking me over, taking note of my situation and then get the eye roll and the cold shoulder. As I said, I don't know if this is envy or not. Perhaps I am just distasteful to others period. I don't think so, because I have generally been very well liked and well regarded. It's just since I have made Mono and my poly life public that I have faced this. I am not used to it and it makes me feel sad and hurt.

If XYZ123 is reading, I fear it is what you and I discussed about my having my cake and eating it too. How having two men is frowned upon for women, but not for men with two women.

XYZ123 08-29-2009 06:42 PM

Stick out your tongue, put your fingers in your ears, wave your hands and go ppppllltthhhh :p (You can learn the best responses to cold shoulders and mean responses from a 5 year old.)

I'd hang with you anytime.

NeonKaos 08-29-2009 06:44 PM

Someone's appearance is tangible because you can point to it, touch it, or take a picture of it.

Someone's state of mind (or happiness, in your case) is intangible because you can't pick it up or capture it on media or make a copy for yourself.

I'm not trying to draw a conclusion based on this difference. I was just asking if it would make any difference if folks were jealous or envious of something you had that they could see or touch than if they were j/e of something that could not be put in a box so easily.

Either of these things takes a lot of work. So is it the thing itself they are j/e of, or the fact that you make it look so easy?

I guess that's what I was going for.

XYZ123 08-29-2009 06:45 PM

Oh-And if that fails, turn around, bend over, and wiggle your butt at them. My son almost always gets a laugh out of an eye roll with that trick!


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