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-   -   Need some guidance - sleeping arrangements (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=18706)

angel32 12-13-2011 04:53 PM

Need some guidance - sleeping arrangements
 
Hello-
I moved in with my poly boyfriend and his girlfriend earlier this year. He and I are engaged, though he hasn't given me a ring or anything formal (I'm not much on formalities anyway). He did ask me seriously though and I accepted. He has never ask his other girlfriend and doesn't intend to. She's said she doesn't want to marry anyway.

The new living in and sleeping arrangement is what the issue is right now though. Wasn't sure how the sleeping arrangement was going to work out since I hadn't been in this situation before. I kind of figured he'd spend some nights with his other girlfriend and some with me.

When I first moved in, this is kind of how it worked out and sometimes she'd stay in the room with us. However, I stopped this because I wasn't comfortable with it and she just started popping in whenever she wanted and her popping in unannounced was giving me panic attacks (I have problems with anxiety in general anyway). So i talked to them both and we agreed she wouldn't sleep in my "room".

So it's been about 2 months since I asked that she not stay overnight in the area that we've agreed is my "room" (It's in the partially finished basement). Since that time, he hasn't stayed with her at all. I've encouraged him to but he has chosen every night to stay with me in my room, til now it's become more of a given that he'll be there every night, tho I still remind him he can stay with her any time he wants.

Two nights ago tho, she comes downstairs in middle of the night to "fix" the router and wakes us up by knocking a bunch of stuff off the dresser. To me this seemed silly, I know sometimes she stays up late, but couldn't she have found something else to do if the internet wasn't working? She's got run of the entire house, tv, game consoles, computers, pc games that don't require the internet, knitting, books....

Then the next night, we get woke up because she trying to wedge herself between him and the wall and winds up knocking a book into the wall in the process, after which she quickly left. I had to calm him down because he thought it was a noise upstairs... he didn't even know she was next to him. This whole event spurred a panic attack in me and I couldn't get back to sleep for hours after that.

She said she'd had a nightmare. Ok I really am not trying to be an ogre here, but really adults deal with nightmares all the time without running to someone for comfort. Could she have not calmed herself down and then talked to him about it in the morning? I didn't tell her that I felt she could have dealt with her nightmare as an adult, I didn't want to hurt her or piss her off anymore than she is.

I don't know, I'm not trying to be callous, I just feel she didn't need to run down to him. I know she misses being with him, but there isn't anything more I can do about that. I've encouraged him to be with her and he doesn't want to. It seems though that it's something they need to work out on their own, without my sleep being disrupted.

I sent her an email since she hasn't talked to me since then. I explained to her as nicely as possible how I felt and why I didn't want her popping in like that. I asked her to imagine how she might feel if I kept showing up in her room while she was sleeping. She's mad at me now and won't talk to me, I found out she only read the first few lines got pissed and deleted it without reading my explanation.

I understand she needs comforting but... I feel stuck. I just don't know what to do and I'm at my wits end. I keep trying to make things harmonious but she keeps doing things like this that stirs everything up. Though I feel really bad that she's upset, this wasn't my intention. I don't think she should be coming into my room at night unless it's an absolute emergency (house is on fire), nightmares don't count.

Sorry for the novel, any constructive advice would help. Please don't be harsh to me, I feel bad enough already.

SourGirl 12-14-2011 02:06 AM

Who`s place was it first ?
How long have The Bf and 'his' gf been together ?
How long have you and your fiance been together ?

Have you ever announced a 'panic attack' when he has gone and stayed with her, for any reason ?

Thanks for answering those questions.

redpepper 12-14-2011 02:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by angel32 (Post 115770)
I don't think she should be coming into my room at night unless it's an absolute emergency (house is on fire), nightmares don't count.

and you have told her this? Seems clear to me. Your space is your space. If she struggles to accept and respect that then you have bigger fish to fry.

I have my own room and who I invite into it is my business. Who I sleep there with is my business. What I do in there is my business. How straight forward can one be? Say it like it is and keep hitting the message home. You have ever right to that I think. Any issue she has with him being there should be discussed outside of this issue I think.

nycindie 12-14-2011 03:07 AM

Um... put a lock or latch on the door?

AnnabelMore 12-14-2011 04:23 AM

Is your bf addressing this issue at all? Like, has he said to her "Please don't disrespect my fiance's wishes and invade our time together like that" or is it all on you to try to resolve the problem? Does he see it as a problem?

Also, has he, to your knowledge, talked to her about why he's not ever sleeping in her room any more? Her way of handling it is inappropriate but I'd be feeling pretty freaked out too in her situation and if he's just allowing this situation to devolve into toxicity, that's not ok.

Casey 12-14-2011 01:50 PM

An interesting read, and informative for me.
Growing up where I did - everything was communal property. I have essentially no concept of "mine", and that includes personal space.
I will now be far more mindful of space a lover may have claimed as "mine"(theirs).

Yay, learnings :)

BrigidsDaughter 12-14-2011 05:04 PM

So, you moved into your fiance and his girlfriend's house earlier this year. Does your boyfriend have his own room? Were he and the girlfriend sharing a room prior to you getting the basement room? If I were her, I'd feel pretty hurt if my boyfriend proposed to his other girlfriend, moved her into our home, and stopped sleeping in our bed (if that is the case).

That being said, I understand your need for privacy and for her to stay out of your room. If you've made that clear to her and she keeps disrespecting that boundary, than I would suggest that you all have a family/household meeting. Ask her how she would feel if you kept stumbling into her room during the night. And if needing access to the router is that important to her, can it be moved up to the first floor where she doesn't need to come into your space to find it.

I do think it is a little cold to say that she should handle her nightmare as an adult would. How exactly does an adult handle a nightmare? I'm 30 years old and I still snuggle up to my husband when I've had a bad dream or if I can't get back to sleep I will hop on Skype and talk to Wendigo. When I was in college, I would call my grandmother. You say that you have anxiety and I understand that her coming into your space makes that worse, but nightmares cause a certain amount of anxiety and I wonder how you'd feel if you were upstairs all alone trying to deal with the panic a nightmare can cause while all the people in the house are down in the basement?

I think you all need to sit down and talk this out. Put a lock on the basement door; the kind used in bathrooms should be fine (so you can get out quickly if necessary); and insist that she knock before entering your space (and vice versa). That way, should she need your boyfriend during the night she can knock to give you two a warning; but that also means that you are expected to answer and not just ignore her.

Derrall 12-14-2011 11:53 PM

I may be way off, or missing the general point....could this be a NRE issue? Either that or that is just how their (your fiancee and his gf) relationship is. 2 months of sleeping with you, and leaving her stranded seems a bit harsh.

Yes, she keeps breaking your rules, and entering your personal space.... im sure id do the same in her position. Seems to me like she's getting the short end of the stick. I'm still new to this, but from what ive learned here, your fiancee should probably make more time for her....

sevechten 12-15-2011 05:48 AM

Is he really still interested in her? I'm new to all this, but I think I would insist that he either give her more attention including sleeping with her once or twice a week, or cut her loose.

angel32 12-15-2011 09:44 PM

Responses - part 1
 
Wow, thanks for all the responses... I checked on here yesterday and the mod hadn't posted this thread just yet. Sorry if I'm behind...

Sourgirl - I've been with him for about a year and started staying in his place in June. This is a house he and his gf moved into about 2 1/2 years ago. They've been together for about 5-6 years. He never really thought about marrying her since she doesn't want to get married. I've never really had a panic attack when he's wanted to go be with her, in fact I've only ever encouraged him to but pretty much since I moved in he hasn't. The only time I've talked about a panic attack to him was when she's appeared in my space in middle of the night unannounced. The episode before this I would roll over to find her just standing there or wake up to her sleeping on the far side of the bed against the wall. I've had other panic attacks but they were usually related to things going on outside of the relationship (ie, work, sibling drama, etc).

Redpepper - Yes I've told her this in a face to face discussion, through email, even my fiance and approached her with it. I completely agree with how you think. I was asked to stay there by my fiance, we've established months ago that the basement was to be my area... especially at night. I've told her more recently that any issues with him should be discussed with him. I wrote what I felt was a very friendly email explaining why I have an issue with this, she just got very angry and apparently deleted the email after only reading a few sentences. She did go back and read it later, but things have been strained since then. I'm not sure how much clearer I can be to her.

Nycindie - kinda wish I could, although the laundry room is down there and since this is a rental I don't think we can...

AnnabelMore - He has told me he's talked to her and asked her not to come down while we're sleeping. They've had extensive conversations that ends up her getting pissed and making him feel bad for speaking up...or at least that's what he tells me. I'm not around during these conversations. Knowing the way they communicate it was probably all done through email. He sees this whole thing as a problem because I'm having issues with it, he's really ok with her being down there... I'm not. So far he's respecting that tho and hasn't pushed it but has tried to support me and respect my boundaries.
As far as I know they haven't really talked about why he won't sleep in her room. Though he has told me some reasons... she asks him to and deflects the request or comes up other possibly truthful reasons. He has taken to cuddling with her in her room when I'm not around, but I don't think they are really sexual with each other. I think for him their relationship has devolved but she's looking the other way by insisting that everythings fine and he's not directly talking about it.

Casey - As far as "mine" vs "theirs"... I think it depends on the individual and the others involved to determine if it will be more communal or not. In my particular instance I feel I'm ok with most things being communal, I just need a place (even if it's one end of the basement) that is my own and not invaded by those uninvited. It's a place I can go to chill out away from others, I need downtime... others, perhaps like yourself?, may not need that. Glad you gained a new perspective :)


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