The story on my ongoing journey
I'm a long time reader, new time blogger, given the changes that have happened this year in my life I thought I'd take the chance to put it down on paper (or at least electronically) and hopefully gain some perspective or peace.
My poly history is fairly checkered, I started dating a friend of a friend Andrew* 5 years ago, things were great, we could talk, laugh together and had a lot in common. He started spending lots of time with my friend Lynda and said he wouldn't mind having a threesome - her and I are both bi and she liked him so it went from there.
She initially said it was a once off and she just wanted to be friends but then said she wanted to try a relationship. The three of us moved in together after a year with our three kids (mine from a previous relationship and two from hers). It was very hit and miss, communication was a huge issue and we all had depressive tendencies - hers showed through huge explosive verbal attacks and her and Andrew fought constantly. He expected me to try to listen to him vent and she expected me to give up all my time with him because she was sad/upset etc. I felt neglected, acted out - it all went pear shaped, ending when she screamed at him that she was pregnant and hated him so was having an abortion. (I'm pro choice for everyone, pro life in my own case) I was devastated that they hadn't being using contraceptives, hurt that the child of the man I loved wouldn't be born - I even offered to adopt. She was angry, hurt, lashed out and I moved out, he stayed with me and I haven't really seen her since - they stayed friends.
Andrew and I got married, stayed poly and a year later I started seeing another man Daniel. Daniel and Andrew got along, things between all of us were going really smoothly and a year in I was amazed at how happy I was. Then Daniel's ex-wife moved to the country at the start of this year and within two weeks they were back together and I was told under no uncertain terms that he would not contact me again. I was crushed, Andrew had lost his job and was deeply depressed but we muddled along until he said it was over between us a few months ago.
Within a year I lost a partner, a husband and my sense of security - well that's the depressing stuff out of the way.
On the positive - I finally finished my university degree after 8 years of part time study, full time work and raising my son (now 8). For all the drama that has gone on I'm dedicated to rebuilding myself - better, stronger, faster.... :p
I've been in relationships almost continuously since I was 15. For all that I love that feeling and have a lot of love to give, I've realised that I need to be alone for a substantial amount of time and work out who I really am. What I like doing, when I like doing them and not have to worry about anyone elses expectations and desires (except aforementioned son).
Until I can develop that sense of self, I won't have anything truly valuable to offer to a new person or persons. So I'm trying to think positive, keep busy, and I'm hitting the gym to the point of exhaustion to try and keep myself from feeling lonely.
Hopefully I can stick to this path.
*all names have been changed to protect their identies :)
Thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry for all the shit you had to go through. Sounds like you are heading in a good direction now though :)
Wow, that's a lot for one year! Congrats on getting your degree, though. I'm graduating this May after 6 years full-time and I'm so excited! That's so sad about Daniel. That would be so heartbreaking. I'm sorry that his current SO isn't ok with poly and ended the relationship. That was something I found very difficult about secondary relationships was people having veto power like that.
I could tell within the first hour of meeting her that she wasn't happy that we were seeing each other. With the pain I'd gone through being in that position I was sympathetic and while it hurt was willing to give him up as I could see how much it upset her and how her pain hurt him. In my head I was being selfsacrifing and altruistic so the not ever being able to see him thing was a kick in the teeth. I was very tempted to say some very unflattering things to both of them, barely managed to stay the bigger person.
So far the poly experience has been teaching me that at times I can be wonderfully kind and forgiving, others a completely selfish and mean person and the rest of the time trying to balance out both those sides so I don't end up hurting myself or others.
Until i find my balance again, I'll stick to the little joys - like a clean kitchen and a good book I haven't read yet.
Having a mini crisis tonight, while everything is ticking along nicely in the background, I'm just feeling incredibly lonely. I guess I got so used to coming home to a house full of people, being in a big place with just me and my son reminds me of what I've lost.
Feeling a bit maudlin, need to kick myself up the ass and go do something
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