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grim64 12-12-2011 01:30 AM

New and advice
Hello to you all, i've only just found this site and maybe i should read a bit before posting but well, things are driving me mad just now and i guess i just need to get the thoughts of others......

I've been married for 14 years and in the relationship for just under 20 years and my wife and I are both 42 and have two fabulous kids. Things have been good in the main but like all relationships there have always been ups and downs and hurdles we've both had to get over together. I love my wife and i know she loves me.

So, why am I here.........

We've both had busy careers and to help out with the kids we've had au-pairs for many years. These au-pairs have been fantastic, fun individuals, all of them. Every one has been attractive but never did anything cross my mind other they worked for us and were/are great friends....all bar one.

This is going to sound like a film but.......We all got very drunk one night and to cut a long story short it resulted in me having an affair with a 21 year old that lasted the whole 9 months until she left to go back to europe. I thought that was that but its not......

I am still in love with my wife but now also in love with someone else. I thinks its mad but i can't choose between the two, i see them both as people i love. The au-pair is now in Europe and in regular contact with me and my wife knows what happened between us. The au-pair wants to come back to live with us and says she wants us to live together as three people in a relationship and says she has thought over and over about it and its what she wants.

This is driving me mad...... my wife sometimes seems to say things about it that suggest she has thought about and then she ver anti the idea but i know its what i want.

i don't want to loose my wife and kids but i also can't say goodbye to the other side of things........hence why its driving me crazy.

My wife has said 'well you have to choose'.....but i can't ......i love them both and it goes round and round in never ending circles.....

How do i move forward......

AnnabelMore 12-12-2011 05:11 AM

Wow. Ok.

It's possible to move an existing relationship from monogamous to polyamorous when one partner doesn't like the idea but it's very hard. It's triply hard when you're coming from a place of cheating and broken trust. Possible, but it takes a LOT of hard work on everyone's part.

What's not possible is moving this woman into your home any time soon and keeping your marriage. How is your wife supposed to accept the presence in her home, the place that should be her safe space, of a woman who participated in deceiving her for 9 months? The living symbol of your infidelity and untrustworthiness? How is she supposed to cope?

Living together in a poly configuration is a daunting challenge when all the people involved like and trust each other. Even then, it's tough to negotiate issues of sharing, space, time, and jealousy. It takes a truly strong set of relationships. Attempting that obstacle course with a shattered foundation? It will blow up and blow up badly.

The only possible way forward that I see that has any chance for you to keep both relationships is for you to put the relationship with the au pair on hold, explain to your wife that you've done so and begin the process of making amends to her and exploring the idea of poly with her in a more sane way. Maybe, *maybe* you can get to the point with your wife where you and the au pair could continue something without ending your marriage, but not with her living with you any time remotely soon.

If the whole thing about her living with you is because she has no other way to be in the States, well... I hate to say it, but has it occurred to you that she may like you a whole lot but also have ulterior motives here? Also, has it occurred to you that, the cheating and the complete lack of realism aside, there might be other issues with elevating a physical affair with this barely-adult woman, who is literally half your age and who you only know as your employee, to the same level of importance as your 20 year relationship with your life partner?

I mean, where is this coming from? Trouble in the marriage, midlife crisis? No matter how many drinks you had on the night it started, a 9 month affair doesn't happen by accident.

AnnabelMore 12-12-2011 05:32 AM

Just out of curiosity, if your wife were to come around and everything were to work out great, would you be prepared to accept her having a relationship with another man and would you welcome him to live in your home too?

grim64 12-12-2011 06:02 AM

Hi and yes i take on all you points for sure.....

I'm not in the USA so its doesn't really come into it in terms of 'motive'.

This was someone who lived with us 24/7 and the reality of how we've dealt with all the au-pairs we've had was not 'employee' it has been as friends, rightly or wrongly.

Is there more going on....well i suppose there could be but not consciously....it just happened and carried on but while it did and has I've felt even more positive about my wife.....

I do get what you say about the other woman living with us and the break of trust etc as the two of them were very friendly when she lived with us.

The barely adult thing i just don't agree with at all....this is a 22 year old not an 18 year old and she's very mature in thought etc.

I guess all these situations are difficult and mine sure is...... would I feel ok about a guy living with us......no i wouldn't, but the thought of a relationship between my wife and another guy is not a No.

This forum may not have answers because there are no right and wrong answers, but thanks.

grim64 12-12-2011 06:26 AM

Interesting that I never think about the 'age' thing, its just a number but then i guess both my wife and I are lucky in not looking or acting like settled down 40 somethings......

Mid life crisis....guess in numbers terms i'm there but in thought....no, still do crazy sports and mad stuff.....maybe this should make me start to consider 'mid life'?

AnnabelMore 12-12-2011 06:31 AM

Hello, and you're.welcome! I assumed your location since most of the posters here seem to be from either the US or Europe. My bad. May I ask what area of the world you're in?

If you're paying someone's salary they are in fact your employee and that creates a skewed power dynamic no matter how egalitarian you are in your dealings with them. What I was trying to say there is that you have not yet known her in a situation of full equality, and that it might be wise to get to know her outside of a position where you control her livelihood before assuming you'd be a good match as life partners.

As for the age thing, I think barely adult is perfectly valid because she has, in fact, only been an adult for a few years. She may be mature in thought but she is very young in terms of experience, and it's thought plus experience combined that create wisdom. I would never say that such a relationship couldn't work, but it does pose extra challenges.

The thing I find difficult to understand is how you could feel so positive about your wife yet deceive her for so long. That does not seem to me like a healthy relationship. But you know your marriage better than I.

Each situation is different, you're right, and no one can give you the answers, they can only offer perspectives that may lead you to your own answers.

I wonder if it would be helpful to consider more why you wouldn't be ok with your wife bringing a new male partner to live with you, and to in that way attempt to better understand the difficult position your request has put her in.

nycindie 12-12-2011 06:49 AM


Originally Posted by grim64 (Post 115392)
How do i move forward......

Well, if your wife is not consenting, you don't.

You can't always get what you want.

redpepper 12-12-2011 07:05 AM

It might be that this woman was a good friend of your wife, but this dynamic is very different. Moving her back in with you is unwise I think. It took me and my partners 18 months to adjust enough for my boyfriend to move in. Dynamics need to play out, boundaries negotiated and tried out, time management around kids, sex, sleeping arrangements, eating together and not, private time. All of these things take time and emotional effort as well as skill to accomplish and be confident about. Its not the same as an au pair living with you to take care of the kids and her being a friend.

If I were in your situation I would help her find a place to live, a job and move her to location near you. Make a plan to get a schedule going where by you spend time with your wife, time with your kids, time with her, time with all of you and time with some of you. Once she has a steady group of friends that are her own (maybe she already does if she has been living there before), gets comfortable with the situation as does your wife, then think about the dynamic change of having her move in. That way there will be certainty that its going to work without disrupting your kids, your wife, your marriage or her life and future also. Her having a place to retreat to is going to be helpful anyway I think.

As to making a choice? It sounds like your wife is not on board with this. It sounds as if she would like to be and is working on that, but if she is going to have someone move into her home that will be her equal in every way, then that is a huge threat I would think. Not to mention the ramifications of you having cheated. I can't imagine she is that willing to just be okay with the woman that you cheated with moving into her home. They might of been friends, but the deception she is feeling is likely huge. Maybe she would be more willing to accept that you love this woman and that she is going to be sharing you if you suggested she rent somewhere for a year or so in order for all of you to get used to the situation.

I am curious about your wife. It is very uncommon for a woman to not lose her mind when her husband cheats. How has that been going for her?

InfinitePossibility 12-12-2011 07:57 AM

I'm interested to know how you and your wife are dealing with rebuilding trust in your relationship? I suspect that without it, it'll be very difficult to move forward with both of your loves.

You seem very focussed on how to keep both relationships and I wonder if that focus is a little off?

My experience has been that broken trust in relationships takes a very long time to repair - in my case it was a couple of years after a significant break in trust before I felt like I could trust that particular individual again. Much of that time was spent working on rebuilding the trust that had been lost.

For me, the broken trust was the issue and at that time, I would not have been open to dealing with rebuilding trust while also trying to deal with the situation that had caused the broken trust still carrying on.

I hope you and your wife and your gf are able to work things out so that all of you can feel secure and happy.

polyq4 12-12-2011 11:22 AM


Originally Posted by grim64 (Post 115458)
Hi and yes i take on all you points for sure.....

would I feel ok about a guy living with us......no i wouldn't, but the thought of a relationship between my wife and another guy is not a No.

This forum may not have answers because there are no right and wrong answers, but thanks.

Ok so my answer to this is I don't think it's fair of you to number one move this girl in with you until you would feel the same way about a guy moving in. The one thing I feel in being in a poly relationship is practicing being in the other persons shoes.

And secondly as much as you are going through nre right now with this very young lady, it will wear off, as well have you had discussions with your wife in detail about this? What has she said?

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