Sink or Swim
20 minutes of typing lost, I've got to remember to do this outside of webpages...
I need help and I think the first step for me is to find someone to talk to... so here is my story:
I've been with my g/f for about a year and a half and love this girl. When we first started dating she let me know that she needed to be able to have relationships with women. Since I'm not one, I feel I can't offer the same things and completely understood. In that year and a half it hasn't come up too often. The one boundary I had was I was the one male companion in her life, as I should be able to fill any needs in that regard. She agreed and felt women was the only external partner she needed and only very occasional.
Fast forward to this December where things have become an issue. She started working on a play a few months ago and started getting closer with one of the male cast members. I started to notice her frequency of mentioning this person and started to internally question. After the show wrapped up she decided to hang out with him outside of this. I let it slide but had intentions on questioning what she was thinking and feeling and letting her know how I felt. I asked and she let me know she kissed him. She felt bad and I wasnt sure what to do. However Christmas was only a few days away so I wanted to try to keep that fun atleast.
After Christmas we talked and talked and I have read Ethical Slut and come to realize it basically describes her. She wants to pursue a relationship with him but wont if I say not to. However at this point I don't feel there is any reason to stop it since it's gone past a point I was comfortable with anyhow.
I'm very conflicted at the moment because I'm jealous of the excitement and feelings she has beyond me. Yet realize that it is possible I can have this too. I cant seem to sort out what I need to feel secure, loved or cared for. It's like I'm looking at her over a fence that I just cant figure out how to cross, but am curious about.
I also feel blindsided by it since we had the boundary one day, to now she is pursuing it today, going on some sort of date with intentions of a sexual encounter. Does it mean it will happen? No.. does it mean sex bugs me? No.. its the level of excitement she has with someone else.
Well, although I am very inexperienced in poly relationships, I have had an experience similar to yours. I think it is good you are looking into what you are really feeling, and why. Jealousy can be overcome. I know that as fact because when I started out with my expartner, I was programmed a jealous person. It seemed to fade away when I started acknowledging what was really important to me in my relationship, and why I loved the woman I love.
The suggestions I was given by people in this forum were to figure out exactly what I needed to feel loved, respected and secure and communicate that to my partner. To communicate with her about my feelings and hers whether they are comfortable or not.
Read up on New Relationship Energy (NRE) and talking to your partner about it and your feelings around her NRE. I found in my relationship that my partner was pretty much blinded by her NRE and could not manage to maintain any sort of presence in our relationship as she was always distracted. What would have worked for me is if she could honor the relationship we had created by being present when she was with me.
All that said, you will find many good reads on this site and suggestions. One suggestion I received was to check out the book "Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships." It speaks to a lot of subjects and mentions things that probably and might arise in a poly relationship. Suggestions of what to discuss with your partner.
You're in new territory for yourself there, I would try to figure out what you need to feel secure, loved and respected, then communicate that with your partner in a way that is not possessive, angry or in a way that feels like "you owe me this." Because those vibes are deal breakers.
Anyhow, this is just a bit from an inexperienced fellow, but I hope some of it is useful to you.
Best of luck to you in your new journey.
With my ex, I had an agreement to "share", and since I'm bi and he's straight, this meant only female partners who were interested in both of us.
A few years into our marriage, he mentioned to me that a close male friend had told him that "Dude, your wife is hot, I'd like to bonk her if I got the chance.", and that he'd replied "I'm only into pie-eating contests, not sausage fests." I tried to indicate that I was interested, but he wasn't willing to even consider it, and continued pushing me to look for hot bi babes we could both date.
Over time, I gradually grew even closer to the guy friend, and we talked about sex a lot, flirted, but nothing could happen while I was married. I resented that restriction, especially since my ex would flirt with girls online in hopes of "getting us a girlfriend" but then would get jealous of my guy friend, insult him, etc. The whole experience made it clear that my husband only cared about what would benefit him, that he didn't give a flying rat's ass about my happiness, that he saw me as his possession and wanted to control me.
With NRE we know about it and I've requested that she be open and honest with everything that goes on, atleast for the first while so I can get my head on straight.
I do care about her happiness and don't want to be controlling. However I'm also concerned about my own happiness.
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