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-   -   how... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=18599)

ashylove 12-12-2011 12:22 AM

so i have seen it mentioned that you should move the speed of the slower person... how do you do that when you are totally dealing with nre? it is very hard to not get ahead of ourselves.

nycindie 12-12-2011 01:14 AM

You use self-control and have respect for everyone involved.

ashylove 12-12-2011 01:29 AM

ok, that was probably a stupid question... um... is there any way to make it easier for them? especially since it is insanely long distance, and they dont have normal ways of communicating. right now they are just emailing and facebooking. we want them to be at least comfortable as friends especially since both of them are realitivly just starting out and dont know what they want out of this yet.

nycindie 12-12-2011 01:31 AM

Who is the "they" you are talking about in relation to you?

ashylove 12-12-2011 01:33 AM

'they' are my husband and my bf's wife...

AnnabelMore 12-12-2011 03:42 AM

Context is probably needed here. Does one or more of the four of you feel like the long-distance, could-maybe-become-a-couple pair needs to get to a certain point before the close-by, fast-becoming-a-couple pair can move forward? If so, why? If not, there's no reason to go slower than the commonsense guidelines for dealing with nre like a sane person with other obligations would normally dictate.

redpepper 12-12-2011 07:29 AM

I agree with the suggestion of self control and respect. I don't see how distance would make a difference here other than perhaps more patience with the limited communication you say you have between you all.

In terms of respect, that to me means respecting boundaries, personality, the way they process information and emotions, considering them in decisions and arrangements, not texting your boyfriend madly every second of the day... that sort of thing. The thing with poly is that we don't get to act on our nre every moment we feel it. If we were single, childless and mono and starting a relationship then usually people are able to dive right in. Most of us are used to that, but this is not monogamy, you aren't single and there are a whole slew of people to consider... the good news is that nre can last longer. As frustrating as that might be for your partners it makes for fun times when you do get time to act on it.

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