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-   -   Would you go? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=18481)

cagedbutterfly 12-09-2011 04:18 AM

Would you go?
 
So again with me and a Christmas themed post.

So on Christmas day my partners has invited me to a Christmas breakfast at his parents family home. It will only be a small gathering 5-7 people.

His parents don't know we are poly, and I have met his mum twice but she knows me as a friend.
She knows his other girlfriend as his partner.

We went to another family christmas gathering on the weekend and it went really great. A lot of the people hadn't met his other girlfriend, so it was just assumed we were both I guess "special friends" I got along well with everyone interacted with and we all had a really nice time.

However I couldn't shake the feeling that his mum didn't like me.
He explained later that she can be hot and cold with people at times.
Now keep in mind she didn't "say" she didn't like me, wasn't rude to me.. actually laughed at a couple of my jokes or whatever.
It was honestly just a feeling I got, and the fact that when they went to leave she said goodbye to most people personally and gave them a kiss on the cheek. A lot of the other people, including my partners dad gave me a kiss on the cheek.

I would ideally love to spend some time on Christmas with my partner, but I don't love that A) They don't know we are poly and B) That I just can't shake this feeling that I am not wanted.

So if this was you in this situation, would you suck it up and spend time with your partner? Or would you give it a miss because of the awarkwardness?

SchrodingersCat 12-09-2011 06:08 AM

I personally wouldn't worry too much about not getting the intimate good-bye. She probably knew the other people before so was more comfortable with them?

I think A and B are related. If she doesn't know that he's poly, then she might be confused about why her son is bringing his girlfriend and "some friend" over for Christmas. Or else, she might have her suspicions (moms are usually pretty clever) and either be disapproving of this lifestyle or upset that he isn't coming clean or both.

But at the end of the day, "awkwardness" sorta comes with the "in-law territory." At least, it did for me :P So I wouldn't use that as a reason not to go...

zylya 12-09-2011 10:31 AM

I'm normally the biggest proponent of listening to your instincts, but in this case I think they might be misleading you.

I think your gut feeling that she doesn't like you is HEAVILY influenced by your knowledge of the situation - i.e. because you know about the relationship and they don't, you feel like everyone must be able to see it really easily and therefore they're all going to disapprove and it's all going to go wrong.

And given that his mum doesn't know the situation, it's likely that even if she DOESN'T like you, it's nothing to do with your relationship to her son. Not everyone in this world is going to like you, but according to your post she was at least cordial. That's good - being able to deal with people you don't personally like because someone you do like likes them is healthy behaviour.

As for the goodbyes, I think you're reading too much into it. Not only might she know some people better than you, but even when I say goodbye to my family I don't necessarily give the exact same of interaction to every person, and it's crazy to expect that everyone gets an exactly equal goodbye.

Given that her mum was at least polite, and the rest of her family seemed to like you, I'd say that you made a good enough impression.

I also totally disagree with the idea that she's confused as to why you're bringing "a friend" for Christmas - I've had loads of friends to family meals and stuff. I'm the sort of person who doesn't like seeing people left out, so if someone's got nothing to do, then I'll invite them to spend the time with me and my family, so at least they're not alone. Isn't that what Christmas is about anyway?

So, essentially, I think you should just go to the breakfast. If the mum is the one organising it, perhaps buy her a small gift (separate to your bf/his gf) to say thanks for the invite. You're not trying to buy her affection mind, so don't make it too big/expensive, it's a small token to say thanks for someone inviting you into their home (and hopefully making some yummy food for you :D)

clairegoad 12-09-2011 11:19 AM

Her primary allegiance is her son.

For years my grandmother would talk about the beautiful, talented Christian woman that my uncle dated. The woman he married was witty, loyal and a great seamstress.... but never was as good as that ex-gf.

If your bf's mother thinks he's mono... she's likely to be friendly, but avoid being too friendly. Maybe she's waiting for him to select his wife....and staying out of the selection process... not realizing that he can have more than one partner.

I think your feelings are causing you to hyperanalyze the situation. Relax, enjoy. Learn about him through his mother's eyes... what was he like as a child? What challenges did he face? etc..

SourGirl 12-09-2011 04:43 PM

Nope, wouldn`t go.

If I truly felt disliked, I wouldn`t disrespect a person by pushing my way into their home, on a special holiday. Especially under the pretense of being a 'friend.'

redpepper 12-10-2011 07:34 PM

I agree, her interest is in her son, not you. She doesn't know you from Adam by the sounds of it and really there is no context for her to do so if she doesn't know the circumstance.

Personally I am with Sourgirl on this one if I really felt I was just an add on I wouldn't go. If there were really good food, free booze, some good company other than the mum and your partner, then ya, I might go, but if I really felt like I didn't fit in and it was all just down right uncomfortable then I would find a place I am wanted.

As to the being out thing? I dunno, I don't attach any importance to it personally. What's my business with someone isn't others. Sometimes, where parents are concerned, it is more of a hassle than it is worth. I used to think that I should be a poly advocate all the way, now I'm kinda done with that in terms of being an activist in the out kind of way. I like when people find out and the stories behind them finding out. I like the mystery and wonder people have about why I spend time with certain people too. Really I figure that beyond it looking like a deep friendship most people don't know what the heck poly is and would prefer not to. On this note I would wonder if the mum is just doing her Christmas thing and getting about seeing her responsibility through. She might just appreciate not knowing.

On the other hand you could help her take a load off and help her out as much as you can. Speaking from the position of a mum, Christmas is a lot of fucking work and the burden is heavy for mum's. I hate it. If someone were to come to my house and offer to help, I would jump on it and give them kisses all over as a result. Something to think about there perhaps.

Somegeezer 12-11-2011 10:31 AM

If I really felt uncomfortable somewhere, I wouldn't go. But I agree with most, that there doesn't seem to be any real reason for you to be uncomfortable. You were treated well.

I wouldn't be a big fan of not being out though. I would hate being someone's partner, yet being known just as a friend. It's not the truth and I hate lies. =P But that's no reason to turn down good company and food! =]

I think if you were out to her [and she was accepting of it], perhaps you would be at ease around her. Just make sure you talk to your partner about it, before outing him to his own family! [or rather, have him come out to them]. But don't push it if he wouldn't want that of course. Some families can be hard when it comes to such crazy ideas. People still get crap from their families for being out as gay, and it's a much more acceptable thing to be gay in our societies.

redpepper 12-11-2011 08:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Somegeezer (Post 115327)
I wouldn't be a big fan of not being out though. I would hate being someone's partner, yet being known just as a friend. It's not the truth and I hate lies. =P

I think if you were out to her [and she was accepting of it], perhaps you would be at ease around her.

This really interests me Somegeezer. I think I will copy and paste this elsewhere for discussion... Here's the link to the thread I started.

nycindie 12-12-2011 01:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by caragh87 (Post 115097)
I would ideally love to spend some time on Christmas with my partner, but I don't love that A) They don't know we are poly and B) That I just can't shake this feeling that I am not wanted.

So if this was you in this situation, would you suck it up and spend time with your partner? Or would you give it a miss because of the awarkwardness?

Eh, I never get too misty-eyed about dumb holiday "obligations," so if I didn't really wanna go, I wouldn't. Sure, it would be nice to be with your bf on Christmas, but maybe you can spend time with him before or after, or earlier in the day, and forget all that nonsense and trying to interpret people's kisses and hugs - Blech! Who needs it. If you want to spend Christmas in a way that is special and meaningful to you, create the day you want and invite people you enjoy being with to come along.

Tonberry 12-12-2011 06:44 AM

I don't think I would like being the partner of someone who isn't out. Especially on a special occasion, I would want to be able to be spontaneous and hold his hand or kiss him and all the things you normally do without thinking twice. Having to refrain from doing it would make me feel wronged by him.
This being said, I would probably feel worse not being able to spend said special occasion with my partner at all, and whether he comes out or when isn't my decision... But it kind of reminds me of what some gay people say about never dating closet-cases because you'll come after saving the appearances... It's kind of the same thing. If he's not out, pretending to be mono comes first, and you come second. And that sucks.

But you might be fine with it, since you didn't mention that aspect at all in your post. As for her disliking you, I think you are probably imagining things, because due to the situation being unclear, if she realises you like each other she might perceive you as "the other woman". And nobody wants to be seen that way.
I think if you go you should just relax and be his friend for the night and have fun as such. Either way, have a "real" party in which you can be his girlfriend all you want, because you need to be able to ever so often.


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