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-   -   Looking for some help (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1846)

Donovon 12-29-2009 06:14 AM

Looking for some help
 
Hello everyone,

I don't even know how to go about asking for advice or even just some people who can say "Yeah I know how that goes but it will get better" or " Well this is how I deal with it" But My wife and I have just recently made the decision to go poly and at first she was extremely jealous of me even so much as hugging my female friends and the such. This is before we decided to explore the poly option. She now has another and they are doing well, yet from time to time I get all crazy and I am like " That is my wife!" Then I take a step back and go I made this decision chill out. I am wondering if this is normal. I like the guy she is seeing he is great and nothing but respectful and awesome to her and myself. Even recently I have spoken to her and we have decided it is ok if I pursue another but I don't have the want to, and that is the other thing that is strange that even though I have made the decision to be poly with my wife is it weird that I am not looking to take advantage of what I am allowed to do?

Sorry about rambling on but I just need some advise or something thank you

redpepper 12-29-2009 06:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Donovon (Post 17228)
She now has another and they are doing well, yet from time to time I get all crazy and I am like " That is my wife!" Then I take a step back and go I made this decision chill out. I am wondering if this is normal.

Could this be just our cultural and societal monogamous mainstream talking to you. I take it as such when I get that, "what the FUCK???!!!" feeling sometimes :D

Mono says that to himself sometimes too he is adding... "hey that's someones WIFE!!!!"

Then we take a breath and realize we are all okay and we are all happy and content and it's working!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Donovon (Post 17228)
I like the guy she is seeing he is great and nothing but respectful and awesome to her and myself. Even recently I have spoken to her and we have decided it is ok if I pursue another but I don't have the want to, and that is the other thing that is strange that even though I have made the decision to be poly with my wife is it weird that I am not looking to take advantage of what I am allowed to do?

It takes a lot out of partners to deal with their partner being with more than just them. It took my husband a long time to settle in and feel like it was okay to wander out and seek someone for himself. He feels content with how things are just as they are... there is no rush and no intent in every person he meets. He builds friendhsips with people and then sees where things go, most often they just become close non-sexual friends. Sometimes that lasts longer anyway. The best thing is that there is the option. :D

Donovon 12-29-2009 06:36 AM

Yeah the option too is a big help. I felt like it was unfair I think at the base of things. I have been in poly relations before I was married and I was always the second and that was fine with me so I guess I am just trying to adjust. Thank you for your imput

Quath 12-29-2009 02:36 PM

I think it is normal. We grow up with cultural biases that may be hard to shake at times. In standard monogamous relationships, there is a huge element of competition involved to win someone's affection. It is not easy to let it go.

I would not worry about your ack of desire to look for someone else. In a sense, you are staying open if something happens to come your way. I see nothing bad about that. Knowing you are free to love another is a good feeling in itself.


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