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-   -   Swinging relationship turns poly? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=18424)

km34 12-07-2011 05:49 PM

Swinging relationship turns poly?
I have acknowledged the fact that I am/could be poly for quite a while. The situation had never arisen where it actually affected my life, though. I'd never met the right people, I have only recently been associating in more liberal circles vs. the religious/conservative crowd that I was brought up in. My husband I began swinging four years ago, and now I have met a woman with whom I have a very deep connection but it seems like a very awkward situation to us all since none of us have ever had a poly relationship before or know how to handle it.

This is going to be long, and rambling, and I apologize in advance because I am going to include a brief history of our/my relationship with the couple. However, if you can make it through the situation and weigh in in any way whatsoever, I would so appreciate it!

Keith and I met this couple (I'm just going to refer to them as M and F instead of using real initials or anything...) about a year ago. We all hit it off immediately, we played on the second meeting and things have been great. These two are pretty much our closest friends besides family members that we are close to. The four of us were so content with what was going on that none of us have really searched for any new playmates in the last year. I would log onto Swing Lifestyle once in a while, M would too, but there was no serious effort at trying to meet new people.

A while back there was an issue because my sister and her husband started hanging out with all of us on a regular basis. I was fine with this but just could not transfer from the mindset of hanging out with family and friends to the mindset necessary for playtime. This kind of upset M, F completely understood and it was really a bonding point for F and me since she was being so supportive of how I was feeling. This was the first real situation where it became obvious that we weren't feeling like 'just friends' or 'just playmates' anymore.

Now it has been a few months since that happened. We all visited a club this past weekend. We all had a ton of fun, and Keith and I decided immediately we were going to go back. I assumed M and F would as well, but we wouldn't necessarily all go together EVERY TIME one couple decided to go. I informed F that Keith and I were planning on going back for New Year's, since I thought they were going to be out of town and we didn't want to drive home for the family thing. She gets very upset, and we end up having a very long discussion between the four of us last night about how our relationship (she and I) is not what it used to be and we need to address it to see what we want it to be.

I get to their house, and it is just me and F (and their 2 year old son, but he doesn't really play into this at all besides being an adorable and fun distraction when anyone gets overly emotional). I ask her what she wanted to talk about and she said she was having her first real jealousy issue. I was, to say the least, really surprised. Then she throws in the real shocker: It isn't over M, it is over me. She was not only upset that Keith and I were going to go to the club without them (not mad upset, more envious that they couldn't go), she was upset that I may play with another woman. In her mind, since we developed feelings for one another (undefined feelings still at this point) without meaning to and from a swinging relationship, she may be replaced by another woman that I swing with.

I'm so sorry for this novel, but the primary issue at this point is: How do she and I take steps to solidify this growing relationship without putting too many limitations on what we can do when playing with our spouses? If we are both uncomfortable with the other being with another woman, are other couples we may play with going to be disappointed and less likely to play with our men because we don't want girl-girl interaction - which tends to be a primary icebreaker in almost every encounter since the girls are almost always bi or curious? My worry is that no matter what, I will want to meet and know the people she is playing with (well, the girls. Men don't really matter lol). How do I become comfortable with saying "Yes, I love her, but I don't need to know the details of her sex life."?? My husband and I have an open relationship where either of us can play with anyone at any time as long as the other is informed if a relationship is going to form, but that has been 4 years in the making. Is it really fair to ask the men to completely change their relationship with us wives while we figure out what is going on between the two of us?

Any thoughts are appreciated... Once again. I'm sorry for the book!

AnnabelMore 12-07-2011 11:51 PM

I'm sort of confused by the issue here. Wanting to meet the women she becomes involved with seems like a very reasonable request, at least it's common in poly. And why do the men have to change anything about the way they do things? If these new issues of feelings, jealousy, and desire for communication are between you and her, can't you come up with guidelines that work for you both but that don't impinge on what your husbands can do?

km34 12-08-2011 12:11 AM

The only reason my needing to meet the people she plays with feels like an issue is because swinging is a choice that she and her husband made. It has always been between them. My involvement would hinder when they would be able to meet people since my schedule would have to be considered as well. The same with my husband and me. If we decide to meet new people, we are going to be severely limited as to when we could do it since we would have to consider her schedule (which is more hectic than mine since she has a kid). Personally, I would be satisfied with not swinging at least for now especially since the 4 of us all play together so it's not like we're entirely cutting out the variety in the sex lives. My husband is also allowed to do things without me, while she and her husband only do things together so it is really her husband that would be limited the most by adding guidelines.

BrigidsDaughter 12-08-2011 01:21 AM

I think one of the possible problems is that swingers are accustomed to playing together; ie husband and wife all the time. So the girlfriend? is getting jealous, and the OP wants to know how she and the girlfriend? navigate boundary making that will not impede their swinging with their husbands, because they both will get jealous if each other swings with another female.

AnnabelMore 12-08-2011 01:29 AM

So, in this sort of scenario it wouldn't be cool for the couple to go to a party and for the guy to do stuff with other people and the wife to just watch?

nycindie 12-08-2011 02:08 AM


Originally Posted by AnnabelMore (Post 114939)
So, in this sort of scenario it wouldn't be cool for the couple to go to a party and for the guy to do stuff with other people and the wife to just watch?

But what if what turns her husband on is to be with/watch his wife with other people?

BrigidsDaughter 12-08-2011 02:22 AM

I wouldn't say that is isn't okay, but that him watching is part of the play. What wouldn't be okay is him going to a play party w/o her or from the impression I get from the OP, it wouldn't be okay for her to go, but not participate in the play with him.... some of the swingers that I know need their spouse there and participating for them to cum.

BigGuy 12-08-2011 02:34 AM

My question is, do you want a female-monogamous relationship with her?

As for impact on the husbands, other than watching you girls with other women, I'm not sure how it will impact them.

redpepper 12-08-2011 06:42 AM

Sure you can ask the men to slow down to adjust to this new and budding love. Why not? You can ask for anything... whether you get it or not is another thing, but if you state your case clearly and why its important then hopefully they will be up standing enough to do so. I think that would be a good idea between the two of you women anyway.

The thing I have noticed about envy/jealousy, is that if you try and just go about business as usual then it usually gets worse and becomes damaging even. Its better to get at the root cause (ie. fear, threats, insecurity) before hand. That way a lot of reassurance can be offered and trust can build that it will be okay and that there will not be an adjustment of connection and depth of your relationship, just some added fun for you both when you aren't together. Just like any new relationship, that trust needs time to build.

It might be best to put the swinging on hold for awhile, or at least create some very clear boundaries that indicate not doing certain things for awhile, so that trust can build and time can pass until things normalize a bit more.

redpepper 12-08-2011 06:43 AM

p.s. do a tag search here for "jealousy" and see if something of use comes up in another thread.

Not sure why you started two threads on this but I merged them both.

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