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-   -   Mono husband Poly Wife (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=18381)

whatitdo 12-06-2011 01:55 PM

Mono husband Poly Wife

whatitdo 12-06-2011 01:59 PM

Mono husband Poly wife

Phy 12-06-2011 03:22 PM

First of all, welcome.

Secondly, it is great that you seem to be calm and collected, but I miss the personal attitude in your post. How does it feel for you? The situation, the things you are asking about and so on? There is nothing that has to be the norm, that you have to feel. No one can tell you what is ok and what not; only you can say what you want. And I am missing your needs here, kind of.

For some more input from others you should answer the questions you are asking yourself. Is it ok for you that she loves him? Any problems when you imagine your wife being in love with another man? Is it important for you that she may have a child with another man, not with you?

I am 'a poly wife' and live with my husband and boyfriend. We even talked about children, but we are new to it and it seems as a big hurdle to master later on our way to really be in the situation to have children in this kind of relationship. My husband wants to be the first one to have a child with me. But that's what everyone has to find out himself. You say that you ok with it and unsure at the same time. What makes you feel that way?

The important factor is how YOU want your life to be. Not what others think should be ok with you.

zylya 12-06-2011 04:03 PM

If there's a potential pregnancy involved then you need to make sure that you're all on the same page RIGHT NOW about what might happen in the future. If it is really going to bother you if she has a child by this guy, then you need to say so upfront. You also need to work out what's going to happen if such a scenario plays itself out - assuming that the other man is the father, what will the living arrangements be, how will you fit into this child's life etc?

Anyway, she can't tell you that you have to be ok with her getting pregnant, that's something only you can decide for yourself. Are you ok with her possibly getting pregnant by another man? If you are fine, just make sure you've got a plan in case it does happen, if it doesn't, you're going to have renegotiate boundaries.

As for unprotected sex, if she's not using it, I'd be asking to see some evidence that there's no STDs or anything else. If she's having unprotected sex with you both and there's no testing going on, then it's irresponsible in my book.

Right now, you need to be sure that this situation works FOR YOU as well as for your wife. It seems that you're making sacrifices for her, but that none of your needs have even been addressed. Maybe that's because they're already met, but if they're not, then you need to start communicating that.

nycindie 12-06-2011 04:04 PM


Originally Posted by whatitdo (Post 114691)
Now she has been seeing this guy for a month. ... they have had sex a few times now. ... but the sex is unprotected.

she has never been a fan of birth control. it has been hard for her to get pregnant anyways as BC in the past screwed up her cycles. she insists she does not want to go back on it and if something happens me to be ok with it. whether her getting pregnant by him or me. in some ways i can be ok with it in others i am unsure.

should i enforce her using birth control or let her do as she pleases?

Birth control isn't all you should worry about - what about sexually transmitted disease and infections? Have you seen his test results? She's only known him a month - way too soon to be having unprotected sex. Geez, how can either of you be so cavalier about this?

AnnabelMore 12-06-2011 04:53 PM

?? If she doesn't like what birth control does to her cycle, why not just use condoms? Is she really prepared to raise a child with someone she's only known for a month, who could turn out to be very different than she thinks? That seems deeply irresponsible to me.

Yes, it's ok for her to love him, no it's not ok for her to let that fact make her act like a fool. It sounds like she's deep in what the poly community calls "nre" or new relationship energy. There are lots of good articles out there on what it is and how to deal with it without ruining your other relationships.

Regarding the discrepancy in her desire, that is another factor of nre. It's a rush of chemicals and the excitement of newness that make him seem irresistible. The problem is, that can make you feel left behind, like old news. For this to work, she needs to be actively investing in her relationship with you and not putting all her available energy into the exciting new guy. Maybe you two can look into ways to spice up tour sex life, go on romantic dates, etc.

I imagine you're watching the kids when she's out on dates with him. If you get to know him and trust him, maybe he could watch the kids while you two go out on dates too. Or she could watch the kids while you go out and enjoy a hobby of your own. There has to be some balance somehow, is the thing, or you will start to feel resentful in time.

dingedheart 12-06-2011 06:27 PM

You realize YOU could be on the hook to raise and support a child that occurred after a 1 month fling. Go look up Whipped.

I'd run from this whole thing. Good luck D

redpepper 12-06-2011 08:53 PM

Sorry but I'm stunned that anyone in this day and age would EVER have unprotected sex with someone before being tested and who they barely know ever let alone not know that there is MORE than pregnancy to think about. I think all of you need some educating and fast.

Go on line and look up STD's (sexually transmitted deseases) or STI's (infections), HIV-AIDS, herpes, genital warts... Educate yourself! I'm surprised this dude would not be concerned too! Really? I'm not judgung you, I'm just legitimately surprised!

You might want to go and get free condoms and info from the local clinic or AIDS organization too. You can also do a tag search here for "STD" "STI" "herpes" you can do this by going to the toolbar above and pressing search. The "tag" button will come up and you can press that. If you are struggling to find relevant threads, please ask someone here to help.

Before there is any more contact of any kind I would be marching you all to the clinic to get blood tests. This guy might of given you something or your wife to him that she and you already share.

You asked if anyone has this situation of a wife having a husband and a boyfriend... Do some reading around here. You will soon find out that this is common here. I would be getting your wife here pretty quick too. It sounds like all of you could use the info here.

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