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-   -   Problem people (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=18286)

redpepper 12-04-2011 07:43 PM

Problem people
This article isn't particularly poly, but is very important in many ways to those of us in poly relationships. There is important information in here. I'm so glad to of found it.

How to avoid problem people

Hannahfluke 12-04-2011 09:35 PM

Thanks for posting that. I thought it was a good read and very informative.

Minxxa 12-04-2011 11:56 PM

Good article. I know that it took me a long time to figure out that certain people were just going to cause problems and drama and issues no matter what my actions, and though I might feel sympathy for them and want to help them, there really was nothing I could do. They had to want to be helped or to change or at the very least be responsible for their own actions and how those affect others.

I finally removed all of those people from my life, and have pretty good radar to see when somebody is just not a healthy addition. My life has been amazingly calm since then.

It's amazing the amount of guilt tripping people will do when they realize you are not playing their drama-filled game anymore, though. It used to affect me more, but I've been guilt-tripped by near professionals (my psychotic and crazy family on my mom's side) and I no longer have the ability to feel guilty about protecting myself.

StumblingAlong 12-05-2011 12:21 AM

Wish I had that to read years ago. would have saved a lot of heartache. Good read, great information.

opalescent 12-05-2011 12:49 AM

If you date people, read this

Thanks for posting that. I've been reading the original members-only website thread with great interest for a while. I'm so glad the author decided to post it outside the firewall.

I'm going to post a link on my local poly group site for good measure

MindfulAgony 12-05-2011 02:19 AM

I just read through this despite needing to be doing something else. It is so right on time as I've just been reminded about how corrosive and emotional leech can be in one's life.

I suffer from a mix of things that she lists that has seemed to make me especially vulnerable:
  • nice person syndrom
  • tendency to avoid conflict
  • rescuer tendencies
  • scarcity mentality
  • and, poor bundaries

No fucking wonder! lol.

I have gotten much better at most of them. But, my recent experience highlights the need for vigilance and self-awareness to continue to expand. The good news was I did recognize the problems that this person could cause and already made moves to distance myself. Unfortunately, she lashed out trying to avoid that which was moderately painful but ultimately no big deal.

Thanks for posting RP. Good stuff.

bassman 12-05-2011 07:14 AM

Thats a great read, thanks for that.

Its a little enlightening to read that, and then check yourself for that stuff! I can see that when I was younger, some of that stuff was me :( Nothing serious mind you, but I can see why some of those things contributed to relationships fading.

nycindie 12-05-2011 09:41 AM

Hmm, don't see the appeal. I tried reading it twice and couldn't get halfway through it. But I think I've pretty much always been a good judge of people (which has come in handy professionally - as a producer I'm great at putting together a crew that works well together), and never really had the issue of keeping problem people around. One thing I learned from my mother was to let people know when I'm pissed, unhappy, dissatisfied, and not tolerate bullshit for too long. Sure, I've had cantankerous relationships, but I have never been a magnet for abusive people. I'm very intuitive about it, so by the time I got the the beginning of Part 3 in that article, my eyes were glazing over. Maybe when I'm less tired I will try again, it seems like it should be an interesting read.

Minxxa 12-05-2011 03:51 PM

NYCindie... it sounds to me like you just have good boundaries and trust your instincts! :)

I am also a pretty good judge of people and have good instincts, my problem is that I spent most of my life not trusting those instincts. I would get a bad feeling about somebody, but feel like I needed "proof" to back up my feelings-- heaven forbid I not give somebody the full benefit of the doubt right away, what kind of person would I be to do that!? :eek:

Yeah. So eventually I'd get hurt, or get caught up in their craziness, etc and THEN I would get out (eventually) because I finally had a reason. An excuse. Like I had to explain to anybody my choices in who I hung out with?!

All of this, of course, is totally on me, and I'm realizing that most of the hurt I've experienced in my life has been caused by my poor choices in people to bring into my life (workmates, friends, acquaintances, lovers, etc.), and by not listening to my instincts. Well, other than the childhood shit and that's just crazy family members and I didn't choose them! LOL...

So for me this article was more of a confirmation of things that I already knew(that I've often been made guilty for feeling, usually by people that were upset that I was choosing to no longer fall for their shit), than new information.

It was reassuring to me, though the fact that I still need reassurance that NOT buying into crazy shit and NOT letting people who have no emotional boundaries into my life and turn it upside down is a bad thing somewhat disturbs me.

kamala 12-05-2011 05:19 PM

Ugh. Although I think there's some good solid advice in there, the whole tone of that article really irks me. As someone who actually works with people with all types of personality disorders, addictions and mental problems every day, I find it a bit tiresome that someone would put together a guide that is essentially rephrasing over and over again "bad people are bad! Don't associate with bad people!".

Actually, if you want to preach about correct behaviour, why not just stick to your own? Know yourself, know your boundaries, and learn from your mistakes... "leeches" and "vampires" don't just come along one day and steal something from you... you play an active part.

The person may be be struggling with a serious problem, but that is nobody's business but theirs. If you wind up in a relationship in which you tolerate bad behaviour from them, or even encourage it, then you are just as responsible, and it is up to you to remove yourself. If you don't, it's not because of the inherent badness of a "problem person" but because your interaction, your relationship, the thing that you produce jointly, is unhealthy.

Making an endless list with every second bullet point starting with "beware" actually seems unhealthy to me. Why categorize people into different groups according the harm you are terrified they might bring into your life? Why not a list on how to strengthen your own awareness of yourself and how you relate to others, and a little more compassion for people who are struggling...?

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